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Well meaning help but not helpful

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by PepperGirl, Jul 28, 2013.

  1. PepperGirl

    PepperGirl Peer Supporter

    Hi everyone
    I'm seeking some advice which is creating some emotional turmoil at the moment for me. During the terrible pain episode last year, which started the moment I have birth to my son, and the leg/back pain was promptly blammed by the birth to a big baby when i am quite small, which I know of course know to be rubbish. The whole ordeal was intensified by poor health care from the good old NHS here in the UK. Whilst the National Health Service is a blessing it is creaking under the pressure and cuts from the government etc means at times the wait to be treated can be forever. Of course all of this came long before I knew about TMS and I would be a very different person then if I knew what I know now. Anyway, at the time the delay from the NHS, the miscommunication, the being passed from pillar to post, coupled with cold treatment from nursing staff that waved me on my way, after my son was born, with a Zimmer frame and 'safe' painkillers to take whilst breatfeeding, all added to my fear of what the hell was happening to my body and why was I in so much pain and couldn't even sit up to feed my newborn. This 'fear' went on for 5months until I finally had back surgery. Now I know about TMS I regret the back surgery, especially as it certainly wasn't a placebo for me!
    Anyway, the reason I post all this is because my Mother has been pursuing a legal case in clinical negligence which I have not really wanted her too but the 'goodist' in me recognises that she needs to do it to help purge some of her feelings of wishing she had done more and wanting to help me now in all that was suffered through not just the pain but the financial loss of not working, having to pay for help with my baby etc (my mum does not live close to me so at times she wasn't staying I think felt helpless). I have sort of let her get on with it as she has done a lot on my behalf but now tomorrow I have to speak to the lawyer about events. I just dont want to do it but equally I don't want to hurt my mum as she is only doing this for me. I have told her about TMS but she doesn't fully understand, though is not resistant. She is fixated on this legal case and I feel it negates my recovery process as drags up the whole thing as if it were a physical issue when I am working toward a full understanding and acceptance of a TMS approach. Writing all this down is very personal and quite lenghty but I suppose I am looking for some advice on what anyone might do as I have a good relationship with my mum and what she is doing isn't wrong but I suppose is the wrong angle but she doesn't quite understand. I don't want to hurt her as that hurts me but is there anyway I can do this phonecall or will it but a block in my healing process?
    Any help is so appreciated and thank you for taking the time if anyone replies!
  2. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi PepperGirl - and WOW - that is a heavy burden you are carrying. Your situation is quite urgent since you are seeing the lawyer today (UK time). I'm not going to waste time being tactful: I am appalled that your mother has taken it upon herself to bring a lawsuit on your behalf, when you are not in agreement with it. The best thing you can do is be honest with the attorney about your ambivalence. It's really very simple: if you don't believe in the case, it can not be won. Your ambivalence will not get better with time. It's best to let the lawyer know sooner, rather than later, that this is the situation. The repercussions might be unpleasant, but it will be worse the longer it goes on.

    I totally agree with you that engaging in a medical lawsuit that you don't believe in, will not help you in your TMS recovery. It will only cause you increasing mental and emotional anxiety, and eventually anguish - you do not deserve that!

    When you get past this crisis, it may be time to look at the control that your mother is exerting over your life. I have not been on the forum all summer, so I haven't read your previous posts, and I wanted to get this response written as soon as possible - so maybe you have been examining this relationship - but if not, I suggest that it may be time. Good intentions or not, this is not healthy for YOU.

    I can't tell you the number of times we read here about TMS sufferers who have spent their lives deferring to the feelings of their parents, at the expense of their own mental health. A big part of your recovery will require putting your own needs first.

    Please keep us posted - this is a tough one!

    yb44 likes this.
  3. PepperGirl

    PepperGirl Peer Supporter

    Hi Jan
    Thank you so much for your advice. I helps me so much to have some objectivity on the situation. I read your post when I woke up and I really believe your advice made me stronger in being honest with my mum. I did have difficulty in initally telling her my feelings so I ended up doing the phonecall but after it I broke down and explainned to her that pursuing a legal case in clinical negligence, whilst some of it I agreed with, was not going to be productive in my healing at all. She also broke down and cried saying she was so sorry to have pushed me in the wrong direction and said how it was a terrible mis-judgment and mistake. I explained in more detail the healing process I am following and how this legal case would cause me anxiety by focussing on what 'had been' and feeling a victim of the NHS would prevent me from seeing 'light' in my life such as being pleased with some of the healing that has happened since discovering TMS, and enjoying life with my husband and little boy. It was an understanding moment of realising from her where she had gone wrong and also I have since discovered that I have always found it difficult to say no to my mother and I understand my feelings of no should have been acted upon much sooner. This has lead to an understanding on how my 'goodist' behaviour in pleasing my parents is very much ingrained (even at the age of 30!). It dawned upon me strongly when my mum gave me a hug and said 'good girl' when I agreed to the phonecall, how I will do anything to feel they are pleased with me. I realise I am always rather that my relationship win my parents is anything short of loving and carring and have sometimes been defensive when following this programme that all is 'fine' with my relationship with my childhood. Is it crazy to feel defensive when Anne you mentioned i your post how you found it 'appalling' me mum was doing this. I intially felt i needed to defend her and say how she wasnt horrible at all and thought she was helping!!! i now realise that defence prehals covers up some sub-consious feeling! I guess his horrible experience is a blessing and has lead to more self-discovery.
    However, not surprisingly since this situation for the last 2days I have sunk in my new found positivity and also my pain has increased considerably. I worry that the recognition and understanding this has caused symptoms and I have journalled and tried to soothe but what can I do to 'let go' it is very much in my head and I keep relaying the arguments/phonecall/good discussion. Could the journaling be exaserbating the hurt and anger by dwelling it all? sorry for the long post, I feel in a bit of a pickle with how to move on and soothe. Thank you so much for your previous advice Anne.
  4. hecate105

    hecate105 Beloved Grand Eagle

    I think that because a lot of emotional stuff has been churned up by the events recently, your pain is playing up - to try and distract you. It doesn't want you to be dealing with all the hurt, anger etc that has been released - it feels safer to have you in pain and not dealing with your emotions. BUT as you have said yourself, the self discovery has made you realise the repressed feelings you have. If you don't deal with them - you will have pain for evermore. If you start to deal with them, the pain will have to go. There will come a time, and everyone is different, when there will be no reason for the pain to be there, and you will be free. I wish you luck...
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  5. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    PepperGirl, I totally agree with hecate. This is exactly what is happening - your subconscious brain is at war with your conscious brain, because it is so afraid of leaving the familiar realm that it's been operating in for 30 years. That's the realm where you make your parents happy at the expense of your own mental health, and that's the secret rage that your subconscious brain does not want you to bring out in the open, because it's afraid that it's too dangerous to reveal. Our primitive brains don't realize that our more evolved conscious brains can in fact survive such awareness, and that by facing it, you will regain your health.

    You do not have to hate your parents! You don't even have to blame them, because whatever they did, they never intended to hurt you. But human beings are inherently flawed, and we do things that make our primitive unconscious brains feel safe - they have been simply playing out their own childhoods, and their own relationships with THEIR parents. What a cycle!

    You can, with love, forgive them for being human and for maybe getting it wrong. You do not have to lay blame in order to forgive.

    More importantly, you will need to forgive yourself for doing what YOU need even if it appears to make your parents unhappy. Self-forgiveness is HUGE, and absolutely essential.

    The good news is that it sounds like your mother is open to hearing what you have to say and supporting you. Congratulate her, and yourself, for that, and make the most of it, while still being sure that you get what you need.

    My profile page has a list of my favorite links, books, and web sites. You might find that the topic of Self Acceptance is one that resonates with you. A good place to start with that is Louise Hay's movie "You Can Heal Your Life". It was recommended to me a year ago, and I found it very helpful.

    All the best, PepperGirl - keep up the GOOD work, and keep us posted.

    driffy and hecate105 like this.
  6. PepperGirl

    PepperGirl Peer Supporter

    Thank you Jan. your words have been such a comfort but also helped my delve into an area I was really unaware of until now. This experience has helped by go back and look at past events/relationships with my parents and growing up and I can really see how they have shaped my personality to what it is today. I have a lot to work on but this experience might just be an opening that was a block in my recovery. I thank you again for your supportive and considered words, it has been of so much help.
    Kind wishes to you :)
    hecate105, JanAtheCPA and yb44 like this.
  7. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Thank you, PepperGirl - that makes me feel really good! Isn't this community the best?

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