Warning: Angry Rant

McAllister

McAllister

New Member
This is a pretty angry post, so please be warned.

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of when my foot pain started. I was standing barefoot on a hard kitchen floor baking a cake and noticed a twinge. Since then, I can’t stand for more than about 5–10 minutes without my foot aching, burning, or feeling like the bones are going to shatter or puncture through the skin. I’ve been to the podiatrist numerous times. He has no clue. Chiropractor, regular doctor, a month of physical therapy. Nothing.

Then in December my butt started hurting the same way. Painful to sit. Feels like the bones are hitting the hard chair and the nerves are on fire. My legs burn and feet hurt when I sit. So there’s no comfortable position. All the nerves in my lower body are pissed off.

I am pissed too. I’m also really weary of life in general. I don’t suffer well. Because of the pain, my life is completely devoid of joy. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, don’t look forward to anything, and everything is just a chore. I’ve got a zillion hobbies, which I still pursue, but they don’t make me happy. I ride my bike, go for walks and take pictures (walking feels a lot better than standing), I bake, I see friends, I create art… but I have to drag myself. I’d just stay in bed for a week if I could, and it wouldn’t make me feel any better either. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything (but I keep on). There were things I wanted to do. I was going to spend this summer abroad, but I never planned it last summer because I didn’t want to go with the pain. (Good thing I didn’t make plans with the pandemic — it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t.) Last summer I was also in the throes of muscle tension dysphonia, so my voice wasn’t working properly for 9 months either. That finally healed, thanks be to God.

I turned 40 a year ago in the spring and I absolutely hate it. I can’t find any peace with it and there’s no way out except denial. 40 means I’m ugly and irrelevant. Any consolation about how it’s not awful is like a gift box full of dog food. I’m mad about 40 and scared about the future too. TMS sounded appealing, but so far no results. I’ve done journaling, I’ve made space to feel my emotions, and I’ve had epiphany after epiphany. Also, I’m mad that there are many normal things in life I won’t get to do or enjoy just because of my specific personality and tendencies. Worst of all, none of this stuff can be changed. I had the thought today that maybe the pain is an excuse for me not to do certain bigger things in my life, because I never have had the courage to do them, but there’s absolutely no way I can get myself to and I have no one to help me.

All of this anger right out in the open, all of these realizations — and the pain doesn’t budge for a YEAR. What a crock. There’s nothing left to try. Reading success stories doesn’t encourage me, it infuriates me. I don’t GET to feel better, just like I don’t GET to be happy like most other people are. Feeling good is for the young and privileged. I’m trapped. Screw it. I’m going to bed.
 
Every single one of your symptoms save the vocal thing, could be explained with one spot of ischemia on your lower back arresting the sciatic nerve... When I was told I had a 'back' problem I was confused because most of the symptoms were in my legs, toes, Hips and so forth. Many times I asked various doctors if maybe they had misdiagnosed it and it was a Hip problem.... most of the pain was from the butt down most of the time. One of my legs is substantially longer because of Hips like a German shepherd. The pain was always burning and odd... "It's like a jewelers file is coursing up and down my leg into my foot" "It's like broken glass under my skin"..

The brand of honesty in your 'rant', when focused that will precipitate a profound healing experience. When my pain was at it's most hopeless I used to lay in bed and be angry at myself for not having the courage to take my own life, so my family could get my life insurance because I was useless, obsessed with my pain and only taking up time and space. Dark times.

I read your other post where you asked what 'the work' meant. Well, you've already done some of the hardest part of it. It is raising the awareness of the stuff you have listed here and putting that to work to de-construct the pain on a moment by moment basis. If you have this much conscious rage, the unconscious portion must be substantial... like the tip of an iceberg. Bringing that awareness into each and every moment when you find yourself being aware of the pain is the 'front line' of the battle and this IS a battle. It is simple but not 'easy'. Your literally trying to re-direct your conditioned thought patterns. Nowadays when I get a pain, my first thought isn't "what's wrong with my Body?" but rather "What am I angry about?". That re-direct too awhile...but not unreasonably long.

None of us like's to be angry and our autonomic nervous system is trying to 'help' with that distraction(pain). Going into ourselves and having our conscious mind stand up to the unconscious is a David and Goliath seeming situation, and yet I know it's do-able because I did it and I am not particularly patient, talented or good at following instructions. My Faith was nil.... but I had nowhere left to go... I think you might be there too?

McAllister said:
Feeling good is for the young and privileged.
Click to expand...

I play ball with a bunch of youngsters and they have their own bag of rocks weighing them down. I'd rather be 'ugly' me then 'pretty' them.

shoot me a PM if you'd like

peace
 
McAllister,
I am sorry to hear about you trouble and how it is going. I do have hope you can get better. I can share a little of what I did. I did reading and I will put in order of importance what really helped me.

Dr. John Sarno: Mind Body Prescription, The Divided Mind, Healing Back Pain.

Dr. David Hanscom: Back in Control (really good about how anxiety/OCD and pain happens)

Steve Ozanich: The Great Pain Deception - I heard a lot of others talk about it and it is one of the most recent books. Really over the top in terms of his story and the journey he did to get better. Lots of resources within it.

H0ward Schubiner, MD - Unlearn Your Pain (great workbook and it was what I used mainly in terms of journaling which is different from "expressive writing."

Howard Schubiner and Allan Abbass. Hidden from View. This book I got when I went and got training with Dr. Schubiner and Alan Gordon. I am a psychotherapist and coach and wanted training to help others. This book emphasizes that it is unconscious anger that needs to rise to the surface and be expressed. It has scripts of sessions with clients.

Allan Abbass: Reaching through Resistance - this is more in depth dialogue about the unconscious mind. It is really amazing specific about which types of muscles (striated vs smooth) and how the deeper, more repressed something is it is more likely in the smooth muscles (colon - IBS, heart palpitation, fainting, blindness) and the more it is closer to be expressed you get more muscle tension (striated - back, hip, foot, etc)

Other books I found helpful that are more on the periphery:

Ronald Frederich, PHD - Live like you Mean it. (this book is about people who struggle with feeling feelings and how to get them out.

David Schechter, MD - Think away your Pain. (nice audible that I am listening to now) I also got the workbook. I haven't used it really yet.

Videos: I watched a lot of YouTube videos on TMS/MBS. Hearing people say the words and sharing the research seemed to work better than reading. Some of the books above are in Audible. - Sarno, Hanscom, Frederich, Schechter.

I created a playlist of the videos I like.
There are more lists on my channel erikbohlinma

Curable App: That was nice and I use it from time to time.

Alan Gordon's program in TMSwiki. I like him a lot and enjoyed the training with him. Watch his videos and you will see TMS in a different light. A lot has to do with neuroplasticity which is about the brain learning new pathways. It is all about distraction. My pain serves as a distraction for what is really bothering me. I could be so afraid of the pain, that I naturally got pain that was associated with an activity: getting into bed, out of bed, off and on the toilet, in and out of chairs, it had to be the right type of chair, it had to be the right food, the dentist, airplanes and airport security, standing too long, sitting too long, going on walks, and so on. He doesn't emphasize the unconscious mind as much, but just how to retrain the brain not to be afraid by staying in a more logical place (studies show that when a more logical place in the brain is engaged people do better)

Coaching: I worked with Alan Bayliss and Ken Malloy.

Counseling: I went and saw a therapist. I needed to learn to get my feelings out. It is a journey and it sounds like you are getting some anger out.

There are a few tips or insights that I have gotten:

Since I have the personality of a TMSer, I tend towards perfection. I am over responsible and make things happen. I can't make my TMS go away. I learned a phrase called Outcome Independence. I had to do the work without insisting on getting the outcome. Before recovery, I would have maybe 2 days a month I felt well. I couldn't believe it and I really tried to figure out why I felt well and get the recipe. Was it the right pain cream, lotion, magnetic tape, or I ate the right food, took the right supplement, or had the right sleep. I had to let go of all that and just focus on the emotions I was feeling.

The expressive writing is key for me. I had to move away from writing about events and people and move more towards my feelings. Even when they didn't make sense. There were a few times when I started to feel the feelings and I felt so bad and wobbly with the feelings I then realized why I was (unconsciously, that is) moving them towards body aches and pains.

I had to learn to not focus on the pains. This is hard when it was there, but I got relief just by focusing on a fun activity or feeling the pain on purpose and letting it be rather than trying to make it go away. It is the principle of trying "not to think of a pink elephant." It gets worse.

I had to exercise more and not be afraid of it. I had to do it gently and talk out loud to myself, "I am okay. I am just walking. Walking is not harmful. Have I fallen down or really injured myself, no. so, Erik you are okay." I think self talk is key. I got this from Andy Bayliss.

I had to believe with 100% of my conscious mind that the symptoms are generated from emotion. If you really have a doubt, check it out with a doctor. One should in the process at the beginning. This was the sticky pin for me. If I felt that there might be a physical cause, I would be stuck in it and sometimes I had to go get a test for Urinary Tract Infection as I was having irritable bladder and urgency. After it came back negative, I realized that it might have been unconscious empathy pains for my mother who was having them. She has this but doesn't know it and so it is hard to help her without getting triggered myself.

Videos I watched that were more of a documentary: This Might Hurt is my favorite. All the Rage was my favorite at the beginning. Ken Malloy produced a video of Dr. Sarno in action. It is good and you get to hear him talk to an audience in his lectures. This is how it all started. This is purchasable from Ken directly.

I wish you well my friend. You can get better. You may have done a lot of this already and if so, I think getting counseling with someone who is not going to empathize with your pain or help you cope with it, but move in the direction of what else could be bothering you.

Take care,

Erbear
 
McAllister said:
This is a pretty angry post, so please be warned.

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of when my foot pain started. I was standing barefoot on a hard kitchen floor baking a cake and noticed a twinge. Since then, I can’t stand for more than about 5–10 minutes without my foot aching, burning, or feeling like the bones are going to shatter or puncture through the skin. I’ve been to the podiatrist numerous times. He has no clue. Chiropractor, regular doctor, a month of physical therapy. Nothing.

Then in December my butt started hurting the same way. Painful to sit. Feels like the bones are hitting the hard chair and the nerves are on fire. My legs burn and feet hurt when I sit. So there’s no comfortable position. All the nerves in my lower body are pissed off.

I am pissed too. I’m also really weary of life in general. I don’t suffer well. Because of the pain, my life is completely devoid of joy. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, don’t look forward to anything, and everything is just a chore. I’ve got a zillion hobbies, which I still pursue, but they don’t make me happy. I ride my bike, go for walks and take pictures (walking feels a lot better than standing), I bake, I see friends, I create art… but I have to drag myself. I’d just stay in bed for a week if I could, and it wouldn’t make me feel any better either. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything (but I keep on). There were things I wanted to do. I was going to spend this summer abroad, but I never planned it last summer because I didn’t want to go with the pain. (Good thing I didn’t make plans with the pandemic — it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t.) Last summer I was also in the throes of muscle tension dysphonia, so my voice wasn’t working properly for 9 months either. That finally healed, thanks be to God.

I turned 40 a year ago in the spring and I absolutely hate it. I can’t find any peace with it and there’s no way out except denial. 40 means I’m ugly and irrelevant. Any consolation about how it’s not awful is like a gift box full of dog food. I’m mad about 40 and scared about the future too. TMS sounded appealing, but so far no results. I’ve done journaling, I’ve made space to feel my emotions, and I’ve had epiphany after epiphany. Also, I’m mad that there are many normal things in life I won’t get to do or enjoy just because of my specific personality and tendencies. Worst of all, none of this stuff can be changed. I had the thought today that maybe the pain is an excuse for me not to do certain bigger things in my life, because I never have had the courage to do them, but there’s absolutely no way I can get myself to and I have no one to help me.

All of this anger right out in the open, all of these realizations — and the pain doesn’t budge for a YEAR. What a crock. There’s nothing left to try. Reading success stories doesn’t encourage me, it infuriates me. I don’t GET to feel better, just like I don’t GET to be happy like most other people are. Feeling good is for the young and privileged. I’m trapped. Screw it. I’m going to bed.
Click to expand...

Sorry McAllister. I hope you find relief. I've been working at this for 8 years and the pain hasn't budged.
 
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I realize it takes a lot of time to type out so much information!

I'm at my wit's end. I'm angry about a lot of things, but mostly I'm angry at the pain, and that I can't make it go away. Nothing can fix that, and I can't be at peace as long as there is pain. The end.
 
McAllister said:
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I realize it takes a lot of time to type out so much information!

I'm at my wit's end. I'm angry about a lot of things, but mostly I'm angry at the pain, and that I can't make it go away. Nothing can fix that, and I can't be at peace as long as there is pain. The end.
Click to expand...

+1

Somebody please respond to this.
 
I’m sorry guys. I don’t mean to be such a petulant 5-year-old and make you bear the brunt. Mostly when I end up here it’s when I’m pretty low. I wish there were someone to guide me through whatever process I need to go through to heal, whether it’s TMS or something physical. But, that continues to be my wish.
 
McAllister said:
I’m sorry guys. I don’t mean to be such a petulant 5-year-old and make you bear the brunt. Mostly when I end up here it’s when I’m pretty low. I wish there were someone to guide me through whatever process I need to go through to heal, whether it’s TMS or something physical. But, that continues to be my wish.
Click to expand...

Hi McAllister,

The pain that you hate so much is actually your brain trying to protect you. In a way you are angry at your protector. You have to view the brain as being in fear and not wanting to hurt you, but rather trying to help you. By getting angry and frustrated at the pain, what you are really doing is getting angry and yelling at yourself. That is the psychological underpinning of the protective brain. The goal would be to soothe it (and yourself) by finding ways to calm yourself and create safety around the symptoms. That could take different forms for different people...for example: telling yourself you are ok and safe and not in danger, that you are going to get better, that the symptoms and pain cannot harm you etc., or doing things you find relaxing and enjoyable or even fun. Anything that soothes rather than activates the danger center in the brain that sends signals of pain. One of my favorite illustrations of this would be the Great And Powerful Oz in the Wizardof Oz who keeps booming bombastically. When the curtain is pulled back though, you realize it's just a scared little dude with a microphone. It's the same with your pain that keeps screaming for your attention. Pull the curtain back, and it's just you...scared.
 
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Interesting perspective. I’m having a full-on freak-out right now, but some very raw journaling is getting done! I don’t know when I will ever feel like stopping the rant I’m pouring into my journal right now.
 
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