wanting relief

Hello, I started the educational programme today. I watched the 20/20 video and it made me both happy and nervous. The brother who is a Dr and has back pain argues rationality - I would prefer that. His brother, a journalist is willing to work through the programme and in doing so felt better. Thats what I want. I realise that the mind body link is real. I want to get well and I will give this a try even though it makes me a little nervous. I want to do the work and I do not need to get it all done in day one (but that would be very cool). I know I have some deep stuff buried and it comes out in my back. I know I do not like anger. I spoke to a Counsellor friend the other day about my buried anger and she said it may turn into grief and then let yourself cry. I guess I am scared of being overwhelmed by grief, but know ultimately I do not need to be. I am also bothered about being seen to be self indulgent. My back has caused me a tremendous amount of pain in the last year. Over the years it seems to kick in when I am stressed or sad. I do not really have anything to be stressed about. My sister died two years ago and I am coming to terms with that. But there is other stuff I need to work through. Not sure how to do it yet.

 

Hi, relaxed. You have come to the right place to heal from back pain and to learn what causes it so it can go away, forever.
Yes, you may feel both happy and nervous or anxious about TMS causing the pain, but that is normal. Lots of people have
had the same doubts, emotions. I laughed when you wrote that you don't expect to heal from TMS all in one day.
Very few people do. And they're better for spending some time on it. That helps us to learn more about the causes of our pain
and a better understanding of ourselves and others in our lives. This leads to forgiving them and ourselves and that stops the pain.

If it makes you anxious or uneasy to think or journal about repressed emotions, a perfectionist or goodist personality,
take your time with it. If an hour a day is uncomfortable, try a half hour or even 15 minutes.

You write that your back pain kicks in when you are stressed or sad. Those are some main causes of TMS.
Think or journal about those emotions, if you can. The reason you feel stresses or sad are very likely causing the back pain.

The SEP program will help you to uncover the causes of your pain. Take your time in the SEP and take two days instead of one
for each step of the program. Take some days off, if you need them. Read the subforums for more help on TMS healing.

"How to do it" is all in the SEP. I found journaling into my boyhood to be the most helpful. I never realized how much
anger I was repressing.

Meanwhile, practice deep breathing and also laugh. I laugh away most of my anger.

 

Thanks for the reply Walt. I am on day 3 and today is better than yesterday. What I am trying to do is breath deeper and write. That seems to be working. I am in another support group and I have posted there some stuff as some of this is about my upbringing in a cult. I just want to be in a safer space before opening up completely. Anyway less pain today - sounds good to me.

 

Less pain today. Need to spend more time journalling.

 

Hi, relaxed.

I did a lot of research for a teenage book on religious cults and learned a lot.
You may have some really traumatic memories about the one you were in.

You may have to do some deep journaling about your experience,
then try to forgive. The cultists and yourself.

The book was assigned to me by a publisher but after I wrote it, I got letters
from parents saying the cult leaders would make my life a hell if I wrote about them,
so I didn't have it published.

I'm glad you are finding the SEP helpful.
You will heal through TMS by dealing with your repressed emotions.
As Monty Python says, Look on the bright side. Count the blessings you have
and I'm sure you'll feel better.

 

Thanks Walt, yes I am feeling better. My back is sore. Forgiving a cult is not easy when they tell your family to shun. Most of my life I have dealt with this, but my sister died and this triggered stuff - hence the back pain. I am working through the educational plan. I plan to try swimming again tomorrow. I have not done that for two weeks. The last time I went I did 30 lengths and then could not move for 4 days. Tomorrow I will see what the water feels like. Thanks again for your comments.

 

I am not sure that I am fully relating the pain in my back to past experience and pain. I understand that it is related. When I write in my journal I sometimes feel I am in rehearsal, rather than directly in touch with my emotions. I can do angry pretty well. I think what may be stopping me is that I am shunned by some family members because of a cult upbringing and they are still in it. When I journal to them or about them it feels like an extra layer I have to break through because they are not in touch with their emotions so what ever I say is not going to make any difference. I know that it could make a difference to me if I could get some of this stuff out. I am going to carry on writing. I just hope things give way.

 

Did not write anything today, made marmalade instead. Was in some pain, but felt happy. This cult business is something I want to let go of but I have now made friends with people who have also been shunned by family and I do not want to stop communicating with them. I just not sure how to stop one thing and not the other. Anyway, I stop for a while and then the pain became too great, but at least I am trying to do stuff. I have yet to get back to swimming. Enjoying other peoples success stories.

 

Day 12
I am a ______goodist___________________________________, and it affects me because I like to please and then once I have agreed to do something I then have to go back and say no. I should and could say no at the outset. I said yes yesterday and no, today. After the no, I was hoping for relief. It gave me a headache which I am now trying to get rid of, but my back does not hurt as much so does that mean my back pain went into my head? I do not know. I would just like to feel good about myself and my decisions. I know I am capable of a lot and I know I have done a lot in the past to warrant some credibility. What often happens though is on days I am feeling good I take on work that I can easily do and then other stuff gets piled on because I think I can do it. I then feel overwhelmed and back track and stop everything. When I am feeling bad like today, I just do not want to do anything. I have written to people who I have said I would do things for and now said I cannot do the things. They are not small things they are professional tasks that in my professional life I was paid a lot of money to do. I have suggested that they contact a couple of professional agencies to get the work done. They probably will not because they wanted a volunteer and maybe they will find another person who wants to be wanted and therefore volunteers to her own detriment.
I read the article today which was by Monte Hueftle - It was Law of Attraction information. I know what I have to do. Sometimes pulling yourself out of the hole is not easy. I want everything to be easy. Will go and mediate and see if I feel better. My husband has just said he will help me plant up my strawberry planter and that has made me feel better. I guess I need to look outward at doing some fun things as well as the meditation. These are the ramblings of someone who wants relief!

 

Homemade marmalade sounds delicious.
I'm making a big pot of split pea soup with a ham bone that still has lots of ham on it.
I cut up a lot of veggies and added it, then put it in the pressure cooker and it only took about 10 minutes.
I'll have some tonight.