Volcano1963
Peer Supporter
Since starting the SEP have I done something that has made me proud?
Where does this sense of achievement come from?
When I started to answer this Day 19 prompt my first thought was “yes, deciding to take the time and doing the 8-day Vipassana silent retreat; disappearing my sciatica through TMS SEP work; journaling.” Then I realized the prompt was really deeper than just WHAT am I proud of. It asks WHERE does this sense of achievement come from. That place is really hard for me to access. I wonder if it is the same place where the Day 19 journal prompt also led me to?, the place where my personality trait of inadequacy coupled with perfectionism takes me into: dark places where I hide away and, if it’s late at night (usually), eat copious amounts of deserts & scroll through news or email for hours or binge watch streaming documentaries or romcoms all through the night. I discovered that the “place” where my adequacy comes from is earlier than all the memories I have of comparing myself to others or of being told anything verbally explicit. I think it comes from earlier infantile periods of being forced from/against exploring my environment, of having my hands bound at night so that I did not hurt myself from the scratching I am told I would do as a baby, scratching my skin until it bled. I think this is a “place” to explore because as I contemplate it, a strong sensation arises in the middle of my chest under my diaphragm near where I imagine my vagus nerve is located. At Day 19, I had strayed away from the SEP disheartened that I was making no progress on the TMS symptoms that were only minor inconveniences at this point and overwhelmed by not being “able” to answer the prompts. The TMS symptoms come as sharp ugly pains that arise but then soon disappear. I never know when they will pop up but they tend to come into being in the same anatomical locations. I think I’m afraid I won’t be able to reach the emotional depth required to liberate my self from the pain. Might this just be another expression of inadequacy coupled with with perfectionism? My time in the Vipassana retreat is probably what is getting me over my Day 19 hump. So now I’m back. Ready to tackle tomorrow’s Day 20 SEP tomorrow (although in chronological time it’s more like week 21…)
Where does this sense of achievement come from?
When I started to answer this Day 19 prompt my first thought was “yes, deciding to take the time and doing the 8-day Vipassana silent retreat; disappearing my sciatica through TMS SEP work; journaling.” Then I realized the prompt was really deeper than just WHAT am I proud of. It asks WHERE does this sense of achievement come from. That place is really hard for me to access. I wonder if it is the same place where the Day 19 journal prompt also led me to?, the place where my personality trait of inadequacy coupled with perfectionism takes me into: dark places where I hide away and, if it’s late at night (usually), eat copious amounts of deserts & scroll through news or email for hours or binge watch streaming documentaries or romcoms all through the night. I discovered that the “place” where my adequacy comes from is earlier than all the memories I have of comparing myself to others or of being told anything verbally explicit. I think it comes from earlier infantile periods of being forced from/against exploring my environment, of having my hands bound at night so that I did not hurt myself from the scratching I am told I would do as a baby, scratching my skin until it bled. I think this is a “place” to explore because as I contemplate it, a strong sensation arises in the middle of my chest under my diaphragm near where I imagine my vagus nerve is located. At Day 19, I had strayed away from the SEP disheartened that I was making no progress on the TMS symptoms that were only minor inconveniences at this point and overwhelmed by not being “able” to answer the prompts. The TMS symptoms come as sharp ugly pains that arise but then soon disappear. I never know when they will pop up but they tend to come into being in the same anatomical locations. I think I’m afraid I won’t be able to reach the emotional depth required to liberate my self from the pain. Might this just be another expression of inadequacy coupled with with perfectionism? My time in the Vipassana retreat is probably what is getting me over my Day 19 hump. So now I’m back. Ready to tackle tomorrow’s Day 20 SEP tomorrow (although in chronological time it’s more like week 21…)