This has been a very rough week for me. I am a perfectionist in that I always want to make the "right" decision. It wears me out. I've known about a couple of things currently bothering me but was afraid to write. Seeing other's do so helps me realize it is appropriate to do so here. The journaling is bring up intense feelings of sadness and shame. I start with something from the past and it directly corolates to feelings I have currently. When I feel a lot of pressure or outside stress symptoms get worse either during or a little bit after. When I have very long bouts of pain it's harder to corolates emotions. I think one of my biggest triggers is my husband. We have been married almost 10 years. I had pain before but it got worse after marriage. We are in counseling now. It has helped some. (The counselor is a whole different post but starting over with someone else is tough) We were close to splitting over a year ago. There is a very long history of stuff but basically I was very shut down due to his anger for a few years and just focusing on trying not to hurt. He isn't the best at compassion for pain and that made me very angry. I was conscious of it but would try hard to not be angry. My fear of rejection kept me from taking up for myself. He built a huge resentment toward me for being shut down and felt like I didn't care about him. We have been making some progress but I have realized that I am still not 100% safe sharing my feelings. For one I still sensor myself because he is sensitive. I am afraid he will leave if I tell him I'm hurting because he is burned out on my pain. I make myself tell him if it's bad but keep it short. I try not to be too "needy" because I'm afraid he will see it as pressure on him and run. He really has a hard time with compassion. I plan to mention in therapy that I am aware that I still hold back to avoid confrontation sometimes or to not have to deal with an uncomfortable reaction from him. Especially when we are both feeling stressed for whatever reason. I am even scared of that. I am so up in my head thinking that I have to get a divorce to be out of pain.Even if I do not really want to. I just want us to be able to communicate better and I want to feel accepted and loved again. I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting to see if he still wants to be married or not. I feel a lot of shame and embarressment. Yuck I am aware that anxiety and not feeling safe has been with me before I have memory so I will eventually have to deal in any relationship or out of one. I can't believe how much worse this seems to get each day. I'm very much stuck in the fear cycle. I'm super reactive to everything right now and cry or get irritated at the drop of a hat. Not sure how to get out. I know it isn't recommended but I am seeing an acupuncturist next week. He is a very compassionate and kind man and probably believes in the mind body syndrome. If he is still how he was years ago he will listen to me. My main hope is to get some relief from my nervous system but I also secretly hope it will take the edge off of the agony. Suggestions or words of hope would be so appreciated.