Day 8 Very high fear levels & relationships

This has been a very rough week for me. I am a perfectionist in that I always want to make the "right" decision. It wears me out.

I've known about a couple of things currently bothering me but was afraid to write. Seeing other's do so helps me realize it is appropriate to do so here.

The journaling is bring up intense feelings of sadness and shame. I start with something from the past and it directly corolates to feelings I have currently.

When I feel a lot of pressure or outside stress symptoms get worse either during or a little bit after. When I have very long bouts of pain it's harder to corolates emotions.

I think one of my biggest triggers is my husband. We have been married almost 10 years. I had pain before but it got worse after marriage. We are in counseling now. It has helped some. (The counselor is a whole different post but starting over with someone else is tough) We were close to splitting over a year ago. There is a very long history of stuff but basically I was very shut down due to his anger for a few years and just focusing on trying not to hurt. He isn't the best at compassion for pain and that made me very angry. I was conscious of it but would try hard to not be angry. My fear of rejection kept me from taking up for myself.

He built a huge resentment toward me for being shut down and felt like I didn't care about him.
We have been making some progress but I have realized that I am still not 100% safe sharing my feelings. For one I still sensor myself because he is sensitive. I am afraid he will leave if I tell him I'm hurting because he is burned out on my pain. I make myself tell him if it's bad but keep it short. I try not to be too "needy" because I'm afraid he will see it as pressure on him and run. He really has a hard time with compassion. I plan to mention in therapy that I am aware that I still hold back to avoid confrontation sometimes or to not have to deal with an uncomfortable reaction from him. Especially when we are both feeling stressed for whatever reason. I am even scared of that.

I am so up in my head thinking that I have to get a divorce to be out of pain.Even if I do not really want to. I just want us to be able to communicate better and I want to feel accepted and loved again. I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting to see if he still wants to be married or not. I feel a lot of shame and embarressment. Yuck

I am aware that anxiety and not feeling safe has been with me before I have memory so I will eventually have to deal in any relationship or out of one.

I can't believe how much worse this seems to get each day. I'm very much stuck in the fear cycle.
I'm super reactive to everything right now and cry or get irritated at the drop of a hat. Not sure how to get out. I know it isn't recommended but I am seeing an acupuncturist next week. He is a very compassionate and kind man and probably believes in the mind body syndrome. If he is still how he was years ago he will listen to me. My main hope is to get some relief from my nervous system but I also secretly hope it will take the edge off of the agony.

Suggestions or words of hope would be so appreciated.

 

Everyone's mileage may vary of course, but if you are looking for a means to calm your nervous system as a way to take a little of the edge off your issues, I would recommend something where you are a participant such as breathing exercises, yoga, mindfulness, whatever over something passive like acupuncture. On the passive side I would recommend massage over acupuncture. I would recommend almost anything over acupuncture, honestly. But again, only my personal experience.

 

Hi, shells. I think you are doing the right thing by working with your marriage counselor. Your marriage needs help, and meanwhile that the relationship problem is causing your pain and anxiety.

Pspa suggests massage, and that is helpful for relaxation. I've never tried acupuncture, but had an acupressure treatment once and it helped me with a back ache. But if I were you, I wouldn't rely on physical treatments to relieve the pain. I would believe it is caused by TMS, the emotions. That belief has to be 100 percent.

Deep breathing, mindfulness meditation are some of the best techniques to heal TMS pain.

 

I need to get back to more regular meditation for sure!! I do believe My symptoms are tension but I think acupuncture and being with a caring professional might calm me some. The reason I chose it, is bc I can use my flexible spending account there (Money spent on massage has been one of our marital stressors.) I have been doing massage for years off and on. I won't think of it as a miracle, just maybe some calm energy.

I just spoke to our therapist and let her know what I needed to talk about tomorrow. It helped with the panic I've been feeling. I must be honest now that I am tuned in to how much I still hold back. Maybe I will get some relief from that.

 

Thanks! I am just giving it a go because the doctor is so compassionate and gentle. Yoga is a huge trigger for me and sometimes massage can be. With the acupuncture I will probably talk with him for a bit then fall asleep on the table. I don't expect it to fix me for certain.

 

Hi Shells! I just came across your post. I did a search for relationships and pain and this was one of the posts that popped up. I also believe that my relationship is a trigger for me. Anyway, that's not why I decided to comment. I'm actually commenting because I saw that you posted about going to see an acupuncturist. I just wanted to share with you that going to acupuncture has been a huge help for me. In fact, it was my acupuncturist that turned me onto the whole mind body connection. Like your acupuncturist, mine is a very compassionate man that takes the time to listen to me and he wholeheartedly believes that emotions are behind most, if not all, physical pains and even illnesses. He never rushes me and he's helped me to figure out how some of my emotions and past "traumas" affect me physically, and then of course he talks with me and guides me to find possible solutions and then does acupuncture. I approach going to acupuncture as part of my self-care routine and as I'm sure you know by now, self-care is very important when it comes to overcoming TMS. I don't usually think of acupuncture as the one thing that is going to heal me, but it's definitely a tool in helping me heal myself. I hope you have found your acupuncturist to be as helpful as I have mine! Wishing the best for you!

 

Hi Shells,

It seems that the pressure you put on yourself to keep things OK in the marriage, or to allay your own fears about it, is becoming too much. How nice it is to simply speak your peace with the help of the counselor. I send support and wish you the best. I think the truth can be hard, yet you can feel that it must have its way, in order to bring you greater harmony. You can see how this propensity to hold back might make your Inner Child feel, and hence symptoms. I hope your meeting will help.

Andy B