Update

Hey all, it's been awhile since I've posted on here. I am currently taking steps and making some big changes. I've decided that after New Years Eve I will be officially quitting the band I currently play in. This is a scary step as all of my income comes from being in this project and it's the most high profile gig I've had in my career. But I can no longer function within the dysfunction of the group. Typical of the TMS personality type, I want to be moving forward, working towards goals, working in an organized and professional manner and my band mates are just not in that same place. So rather than fight that, I'm letting it go. I've also decided to stay at my mom's house out in the country for the next few months in order to give me time and space to heal away from the crazy household I live in. Again, I can no longer function in such a dysfunctional environment. One of my roommates literally had a schizophrenic breakdown last week. This is also hard as it takes me away from the city where I'm able to make a living as a musician and all my friends but I think it's what is necessary for healing and growth right now. I've also pretty much quit smoking weed for the time being. I'll still take a toke or two in certain social environments, but not the all day everyday habit I've maintained for the last 15 years. All this change is a lot to absorb so I'm taking it real easy right now. I'm taking a lot of time to relax and not pressuring myself to be productive in any way. I'm doing 15 minutes of yoga in the morning when I wake and 20 minutes at night before bed, which is helping me to be present and mindful throughout the day. I'm also seeing a counselor weekly. I'm also trying to manifest a trip to Hawaii for 2-3 weeks in January. I have a good friend that I can stay with there and its been probably 8 years since I've taken a proper vacation. I've also been re-reading The Mindbody Prescription and re-minding myself of Dr. Sarno's concepts. I hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew, but it all seems to be what needs to happen. I've tried accepting these things but I just can't, so I'm changing them. The time away from my current stressors has led me to realize that they were keeping me from dealing with my feelings related to a horrible breakup I went thru just prior to moving into "the house of avoidance". I think that breakup combined with my grandfather's death were a major factor in what brought on my symptoms in the first place. The living situation and the band were the icing that sent it into overdrive. Right now this all feels like a Sisyphean endeavor but I know the only way back to joy and peace is thru the pain, so I am commuting myself to myself and my healing. My worry is that I'm running away or trying to change too much too fast. Does anyone out there have an opinion about that?

 

I don't believe you are running away at all I think you are making a survival move! I believe that removing yourself from all that disfunction is the right thing to do, if you've bitten of more than you can chew you'll find a way to sustain what you are trying to achieve. The one thing you must never give up is your music, and I doubt that is your intension. You'll most likely find out about yourself, become more aware of who you really are. I think it's the perfect chance for new beginnings!
Keep us updated

Markus

 

BamBam you are doing great!! Trust yourself. You truly wouldn't be feeling this need for a change if it wasn't necessary. Many of us consider change and then all the '"forces" convince us it is not possible. I am sure fear of change is what leaves many of us feeling stuck and avoiding how we are feeling. Change can also be stressful so take it easy, don't allow pain to be a monitor of if you've made the "right" decision. Be patient and give yourself some time. I sure hope Hawaii manifests for you. What a soothing, contemplative, and relaxing place to be. You sound very centered and ready for this. I am excited for you.

 

Hi BamBam,

I am so happy to get your update. I was just talking to a friend about changes she made in her life lately --in response to stress. I think you're really smart to find a new way to live for awhile.

I like Anne's post...and Markus'

I think your inner guidance is telling you to find a new way for yourself. Bravo!

I don't think you're pushing yourself too hard, in my opinion. You will know this mostly on the inner level. Are you less stressed or more stressed? It takes time to adjust to a new life, and this may seem like pushing, but give yourself a few weeks...

Andy B.