Day 15 Up/Downs

I am now at the point where i know i'm improved some but i'm still in the ups and down stage. I had three great starting weeks and one week of disappointment. Then for the last few days i've had some good days and some bad days with my overall pain. I guess what is important is that i'm having more good days and not the fact that i still get some of the old pain. I assume that eventually with hard work the flare ups will pass. I've learned that i may not be as comfortable with the TMS diagnosis 100 percent yet. It isn't because i don't believe it to be turn. My mind just brings up these thoughts of "what if i'm wrong" every once in awhile. I assume this is probably normal and i'm trying not to think on it too much and just move on. I am discovering new elements to why i am probably suffering from TMS and deep down i think it's not one main cause but rather a multitude of things that have built up over a very long period to develop into what i have now. This is why i am not expecting and very quick recovery anymore. I believe it could possibly take several months to figure it completely out. It could even take a year in all honesty. Though setting a timeline isn't what i'm trying to do because that would only complicate things and place more pressure around the whole recovery process. I've learned the last few days that focusing my attention away from my pain is easier said than done. If fact even when i try to send my attention elsewhere on some subconscious level i still feel focused on the pain. I will fix this problem overtime though. My main focus will always be to improve and reduce my symptoms but another i'm trying to focus on equally at the moment is enjoying what i'm able to do now. I get so caught up in trying to improve my current situation and avoid any small setbacks that i forget how far i've improved overall.

During the past two weeks has your pain been moving around? How has this affected your belief in the diagnosis?

Oh God yes, pain has moved in so many directions it's hard to keep up. At the moment though it's more localized but i'm sure it'll pick up and move more soon. I can say that the pain intensity overall has reduced with the exception of a week or so. And even at those horrible times i don't think it compares to my worst flare ups. My belief in the diagnosis is pretty solid even though i haven't actually be diagnosed. I guess i don't really need an official one since i've had pretty extensive testing which all showed up normal. Yesterday i had a general follow up with my physician and we both discussed how all my past tests showed up normal. So the doctor's final conclusion was they didn't know what was going on. I kind of laughed at the fact that a doctor finally admitted that had no clue what could be the cause. We had discussed that idea of TMS/PPD in the past and she did agree that psychological factors could cause pain. She didn't necessarily suggest that was my problem but that since no one really knew why i had this pain then it was a possibility. I feel like somedays i still don't fully embrace the idea deep down but in time i know i will. I'm not going to beat myself up with some doubt right now because pressuring myself to have total confidence isn't going to make it happen.

 

Hi again, jwiles. I think you're progressing very well in the SEP, but maybe try not to slip back into fearing that your pain will get worse.
Fear like that is counter-productive. When thoughts like that enter your head, repeat some positive mantra like "I'm feeling better and will feel better every hour and every day."

Don't wait for total belief in TMS to come to you tomorrow or next week. Try believing NOW that your symptoms are caused 100 percent by TMS repressed emotions or a perfectionist or goodist personality. Total belief is what is needed to heal totally. You have to convince your subconscious that you know TMS is the cause of your pain.

Good luck believing. It could be the hardest part of healing.

 

Hi Jwiles,
I remember some of your earlier posts and wanted to congratulate you on the insights you are having. Your post shows that you are being thoughtful and discovering new elements, as you say, of why you are suffering. I believe these insights and continuing to listen to your body and your internal wisdom will keep you pointed in the right direction. Also, many people, including me, struggle with accepting the diagnosis. It is a process. Dr. Schubiner states that one of the most important features of recovery is being patient and kind to yourself. So, I'm glad you are sticking with the program and willing to continue to learn and grow. Best wishes, Sunny

 

Yes i know the on going process will be worth it to us all in the end. Thank you for your encouragement