I just wrote an unsent letter to my mom. I got into what I think are the some of the deepest psychological things at the heart of my TMS. Here's my worry. I don't doubt that TMS is the right explanation of my symptoms. Deep down, I've always known that it was certain ancient, bottled-up emotions that were causing them. But when I write or think about early experiences in my life, it just takes me back to problems I never solved. My parents divorced, and neither one provided me with what I needed. How is stirring up all those old things going to help me get over my symptoms? I can dig down and feel things like my deep sadness, disappointment, resentment, anger and even hatred, but when it's all over, I'm still left with all the same problems I had before. Just as my parents never solved their problems, I don't see how I can solve mine. It feels more like a set of problems that simply cannot be solved, because no one can solve them. I know that might not make sense, but that's how I feel.
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Day 8 Unsent letter
- Thread starter TMUlrich
- Start date
Ellen
Beloved Grand Eagle
TMS recovery is not about solving past problems. TMS symptoms occur in the present and are resolved in the present. The goal is psychological insight, pulling back the curtain and seeing how the past may be impacting the present. This is happening on an unconscious level, so the goal is to bring those past emotions into conscious awareness. Focus on how these past emotions are impacting you in the present. Feel these emotions in the present, which it sounds like you are doing. It sounds like you are somewhat stuck in the sadness, anger, etc that the past is bringing up. I remember that happening during my recovery. It is painful to suddenly confront all these emotions that have been stuffed down in the unconscious for years. But feeling them is the point, and they should pass eventually. Sarno talked about the rage-soothe ratio. Be sure you find some soothing activities to engage in as well. You are doing good work. Hang in there.
Yeah, this pretty much gets to the heart of my question. I'm not entirely sure how much more psychological insight I need. I think I've already pulled the most important stuff up from the unconscious level. Did that through my adulthood, so it's mostly known stuff. Doubt I'm going to find a whole lot that's new. So the question becomes, what do you do with it then? I like your idea of feeling the emotions in the present, because reanimating them and feeling them now is different from just knowing that they're there. I can see how going through a process of feeling them can be therapeutic, like in some of those amazing sessions with Alan that we listened to clips of. But when I listen to those kind of things, I sometimes have the feeling that the patients are discovering things about themselves that are similar to things I already know about myself. I feel like I've already done a good bit of that work, and yet I still have symptoms.
Actually, I should say that at the moment, I'm pretty symptom-free. I was having terrible back pain for weeks, along with other symptoms I've been struggling with for a good while. When I hit on TMS, Sarno, etc. recently, I did have a kind of light-switch experience. The pain and other symptoms really are psychological, not structural. I've basically always known that, but there was this "click" when I came on to the whole TMS thing. I'm hopeful I have found a solution to many things that have plagued me for a long time, though of course only time will tell. I do fear a relapse, but having this community is helpful. I'm working through the daily program and trying not to obsess about it too much and live my life.
I do think that's the key, as others have said: just live your life. Tell the symptoms that you are on to them, that you know they aren't real. Tell your inner bully to eff off. So much seems to come down to self-belief, which I've always struggled with.
Actually, I should say that at the moment, I'm pretty symptom-free. I was having terrible back pain for weeks, along with other symptoms I've been struggling with for a good while. When I hit on TMS, Sarno, etc. recently, I did have a kind of light-switch experience. The pain and other symptoms really are psychological, not structural. I've basically always known that, but there was this "click" when I came on to the whole TMS thing. I'm hopeful I have found a solution to many things that have plagued me for a long time, though of course only time will tell. I do fear a relapse, but having this community is helpful. I'm working through the daily program and trying not to obsess about it too much and live my life.
I do think that's the key, as others have said: just live your life. Tell the symptoms that you are on to them, that you know they aren't real. Tell your inner bully to eff off. So much seems to come down to self-belief, which I've always struggled with.
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
I actually think that forgiveness might be the next step.
This is a big, complicated, and extremely sensitive topic which is addressed professionally in many books and other media. Here is my quick and oversimplified take on forgiveness.
If you suffered some kind of emotional or physical abuse or neglect, especially in childhood (I will just call it all abuse) it is helpful to understand and at least acknowledge the motivations of the abuser, which are invariably going to be the result of their own circumstances and upbringing. This is the underlying premise of generational trauma, in fact.
Understanding the abuser does not condone the abuse by any means, because the abusive behavior is always unforgiveable. I also don't believe that actual forgiveness of the abuser is required. I think the idea is that coming to at least some understanding and some level of acknowledgement will help the victim. Call it a step towards acceptance?
In any case, to summarize, the idea is that you can forgive, or at least understand, the abuser for being a failed human being, without forgiving what they did to you.
I don't know if I'm getting this across at all, but I do think this is part of the ultimate process of recovery where there has been childhood adversity.
The next step is even more important, and that is self forgiveness and ultimately unconditional self-acceptance. Because the abused child has neither. When valid emotions and the natural desire to be loved and nurtured are repressed in the abused child, the child assumes that they are not lovable. This is the the ultimate betrayal, and it is the biggest dysfunction which carries on into adulthood.
This is a huge stumbling block for many people, because to find self-forgiveness and love after so many years of repression is just too terrifyingly vulnerable for the traumatized child to experience as an adult.
This is a whole concept I haven't thought about in a while. I think this is what triggered it:
This is a big, complicated, and extremely sensitive topic which is addressed professionally in many books and other media. Here is my quick and oversimplified take on forgiveness.
If you suffered some kind of emotional or physical abuse or neglect, especially in childhood (I will just call it all abuse) it is helpful to understand and at least acknowledge the motivations of the abuser, which are invariably going to be the result of their own circumstances and upbringing. This is the underlying premise of generational trauma, in fact.
Understanding the abuser does not condone the abuse by any means, because the abusive behavior is always unforgiveable. I also don't believe that actual forgiveness of the abuser is required. I think the idea is that coming to at least some understanding and some level of acknowledgement will help the victim. Call it a step towards acceptance?
In any case, to summarize, the idea is that you can forgive, or at least understand, the abuser for being a failed human being, without forgiving what they did to you.
I don't know if I'm getting this across at all, but I do think this is part of the ultimate process of recovery where there has been childhood adversity.
The next step is even more important, and that is self forgiveness and ultimately unconditional self-acceptance. Because the abused child has neither. When valid emotions and the natural desire to be loved and nurtured are repressed in the abused child, the child assumes that they are not lovable. This is the the ultimate betrayal, and it is the biggest dysfunction which carries on into adulthood.
This is a huge stumbling block for many people, because to find self-forgiveness and love after so many years of repression is just too terrifyingly vulnerable for the traumatized child to experience as an adult.
This is a whole concept I haven't thought about in a while. I think this is what triggered it:
Good one, @Ellen.
This is really great and helpful. Thank you guys so much for taking the time to help me think about this stuff.
Yeah, self-forgiveness. Easier said than done, especially for those of us with the TMS personality traits. In my case, the primary abuser is clearly my dad, and though actual forgiveness of him is probably not realistic (and probably not necessary, as I'm glad to hear you say), I do think I have a reasonably good understanding of him and why he does what he does. Like perhaps all tyrants, he is, at bottom, a scared little boy. Not quite sure how it started in him, but I have been trying to end the cycle of intergenerational trauma, not always with perfect success -- which is one reason I ended up finding this community, because I was sensing that the more the symptoms that I now identify as stemming from TMS were manifesting themselves, the more I was inclined to behave like my dad toward my own kids. As I have embraced the TMS diagnosis and my symptoms have diminished, I've found myself going much easier on them.
It really does seem to be all about acceptance. Self-acceptance is the hardest kind. Ellen's right about being stuck. I have been stuck in some way ever since my teenage years, I think, and have spent way too much time trying to "figure it out." It seems like it's time to just tell the inner bully (who I guess pretty obviously descends from my dad) that I'm done with him and am ready to just move on. I hope I can do that! Seems somehow both incredibly daunting and potentially very easy. Just a kind of reframing is all that's needed.
Yeah, self-forgiveness. Easier said than done, especially for those of us with the TMS personality traits. In my case, the primary abuser is clearly my dad, and though actual forgiveness of him is probably not realistic (and probably not necessary, as I'm glad to hear you say), I do think I have a reasonably good understanding of him and why he does what he does. Like perhaps all tyrants, he is, at bottom, a scared little boy. Not quite sure how it started in him, but I have been trying to end the cycle of intergenerational trauma, not always with perfect success -- which is one reason I ended up finding this community, because I was sensing that the more the symptoms that I now identify as stemming from TMS were manifesting themselves, the more I was inclined to behave like my dad toward my own kids. As I have embraced the TMS diagnosis and my symptoms have diminished, I've found myself going much easier on them.
It really does seem to be all about acceptance. Self-acceptance is the hardest kind. Ellen's right about being stuck. I have been stuck in some way ever since my teenage years, I think, and have spent way too much time trying to "figure it out." It seems like it's time to just tell the inner bully (who I guess pretty obviously descends from my dad) that I'm done with him and am ready to just move on. I hope I can do that! Seems somehow both incredibly daunting and potentially very easy. Just a kind of reframing is all that's needed.
Ellen
Beloved Grand Eagle
Here is an exercise that helped me feel the emotions in my body and not just intellectualize them. Bring the feeling up with a memory, but then describe how it manifests in your body. Is it sharp, dull, pulsating, stagnant, heavy, jagged, etc? Is it moving around? Where is it in your body? If you had to assign a color to it, what would it be?
This helped me get out of my head and focus on my body. Hope it helps.
This helped me get out of my head and focus on my body. Hope it helps.
Skylark7
New Member
If only more people recognized this, via any means. It would transform the world.
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
Cactusflower
Beloved Grand Eagle
Do the problems need to be solved or are they simply old problems that are no longer the problem?
Maybe you pushed some of the emotions down in the past.
Perhaps now you are dealing with them.
Maybe the problem is that you didn't recognize that allowing yourself to NOT feel these hard and harsh emotions was the problem. There is NOTHING else to solve.
Sometimes the brain thinks that there are problems to solve when there is nothing to solve. You were once now safe but now you are, and that's the only message you need to get across to your subconscious. That is EXACTLY what happened with me. Now I can simply recognize when that old scenarios of not feeling emotionally safe creep back in, and I can tell myself that I am fine and safe. Our brains can sometimes be addicted to the old dramas of our life, and for some weird reason, they can really have a hard time accepting that when things are calm there will be no more drama sneaking up OR if there is, we are adults and perfectly capable of dealing with it all now.
That all sounds on the mark to me. I think I managed to convince myself at a young age that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, and somehow that belief just stayed with me at an unconscious level my whole life. Even when I had solved many of the external problems in my life, that feeling was always in there, just waiting to come out and wreak havoc on everything. It was almost like I wanted it to do that. Consciously, I wanted to be happy and free of problems, but at a deeper level I was always carrying around this little, profound secret, a dark truth that was always lying there, quietly, just waiting to blow everything up. When my back would go out on me and completely take me out, it was like that thing rising up and taking over and reminding me that it was still in control, no matter what else was happening, no matter how good anything else seemed to be going. I'm really trying to tell that stupid thing in me to just piss off and leave me alone and let me just live my life, dammit.
Cactusflower
Beloved Grand Eagle
You have convinced yourself you are a victim.
That crap is sneaky as hell.
From several things you’ve written, I can absolutely see where unconscious anger can sneak in and make you feel like no matter what, there is always a monkey on your back. You mentioned before that you feel you never “measure up” - and judge yourself (or fear you are judged by others) as lazy. Yet at the same time you seem to deeply know this isn’t a personal characteristic. That people don’t see and truly accept us for who we are is frustrating but feeling like we are being forced to be the false thing -feeling like we are forced to think we are lazy (or who we are not) is enraging! Like you can never escape the judgement.
I was told I was a horrible person recently be a “friend”. What a crock of . I am not horrible, and I won’t take anyone even myself saying that to me anymore. I had to just get internally pissed on and say “no, I am not! I’m awesome and I’m not taking anyone judging me for what I am not”. I did a journal where I listed my attributes. Looked at them a few times and owned them. Dumped that “friend”. I’m not gonna torture myself with the self-negative stuff. I don’t need glossy self-affirmations, I keep it real and that is helping me dump the criticisms and I am no longer a victim. Call that self-victimization out for what it is and get rid of it.
That crap is sneaky as hell.
From several things you’ve written, I can absolutely see where unconscious anger can sneak in and make you feel like no matter what, there is always a monkey on your back. You mentioned before that you feel you never “measure up” - and judge yourself (or fear you are judged by others) as lazy. Yet at the same time you seem to deeply know this isn’t a personal characteristic. That people don’t see and truly accept us for who we are is frustrating but feeling like we are being forced to be the false thing -feeling like we are forced to think we are lazy (or who we are not) is enraging! Like you can never escape the judgement.
I was told I was a horrible person recently be a “friend”. What a crock of . I am not horrible, and I won’t take anyone even myself saying that to me anymore. I had to just get internally pissed on and say “no, I am not! I’m awesome and I’m not taking anyone judging me for what I am not”. I did a journal where I listed my attributes. Looked at them a few times and owned them. Dumped that “friend”. I’m not gonna torture myself with the self-negative stuff. I don’t need glossy self-affirmations, I keep it real and that is helping me dump the criticisms and I am no longer a victim. Call that self-victimization out for what it is and get rid of it.
Diana-M
Beloved Grand Eagle
What has been helping me the most is taking the little child I was at the age something bad happened and just hugging little me and adopting me and trying to give this child me what I never got. Imagine playing with little you. Buying him an ice cream cone. Taking him to the beach. Whatever he would like. Love him!