Day 29 Unsent Letter to close family member + final part to send actually

Unsent
Dear ***,
You disgust me when I see you arrive I'm afraid that you stink, glue, be dirty, stagger, roll your eyes, get angry. I live in apprehension of your symptoms, and feel you weak, downcast, sad, old. I'm so sorry to see you like this. I feel like I can't do anything more for you, I'm waiting for you to click yourself. And I resign myself. But yes I'm afraid of all this and ashamed to have a father like you, ashamed and guilty to write this but it's the reality. I understand that #### - with cancer on top of that - can't bear you and support you anymore. I still tolerate that a bit as long as my daughter @@@@@ doesn't understand, but I think she'll quickly understand even if she doesn't speak.
I will have to talk to you about it, and warn you, it will motivate you to get better soon but it is not my responsibility (do not try to control the future because it creates tension). To tell you that I would like @@@@@ to be a family member in good health, stable, healthy, clean, who doesn't drink and who doesn't lie... I can even entrust her to you, not be afraid when you carry her in your arms...
I would like you to be a good family member for her, to show her your good sides, to share love and trust. There I am scared and angry when you see her. I'm afraid for my daughter, and yes, even if it means choosing, unfortunately, I choose my daughter 1000 times. She is more fragile, more future, innocent, under construction, needs me.

Ready to send
***, I know it's very hard for you at this moment after all the hardships since this summer (#####'s cancer, your confinement, your release and separation, living alone, your medications, your financial concerns, etc.), I am well aware of this and understand that you must suffer all the more, be sad, angry, desperate at times. For my part, I've been taking it upon myself for some time but I have to tell you about it because I don't like to hide things. I tell you this without judgment, in the sincere perspective and to improve our relations. I'm afraid for @@@@@@ when you're with me, I need to protect her. So I feel this need to put her aside, and I don't like it, that's why I'm telling you about it, thinking I can improve the situation. More specifically, I'm afraid you'll hurt her:
- affectively with your poorly managed powerful emotions that she may receive badly (anxiety, anger, panic) because she affects me strongly and I don't know how to explain to her,
- physically by dropping (tremor, dizziness, medication (+alcohol))
- morally by acting as if everything was fine and lying (alcohol, etc.).
Again, these are not criticisms, everyone does what they can with these difficulties, it's just my resentment, which I don't want to keep to myself, because I can't stifle it anyway. I would like you to show us that I am wrong and that we can share healthy moments together. That you bring him love and that you share pleasant moments in a physically and mentally safe environment. And when you feel like it and she's a little bigger (which happens fast!), I'd be more than happy if you could do activities with her.
Here I am aware that it is surely asking a lot of you at the moment, but at least you have my point of view. And I remain open to your answer of course.

 

Powerful. Awesome work, @ChronicVince.