under seige!! SSRIs?

hello friends, this was going to be an extremely long email that in the machinations of night i've managed to press into a shorter one...i am new here...i am in the UK

i am 50 years of age (not really wanting to own that) and after a lifetime of TMS (i think) i am at a breakdown/breakthrough cliff-edge, my previous unposted post detailed all myriad of manifested symptoms, my TMS is very much of the nature that produces shapeshifting pain and symptoms, it generally seems to land, bed in for a YEAR or so then after every test has been gone through quiets down for a week and then pops up somewhere else (makes it all sound rather jolly!)

of late though the new symptom subtly makes itself known before the current one has released its grip so i live waiting for a seemingly endless battery of tests...the doctors are vaguely onto this and suggest that further tests are probably detrimental reenforcing the cycle but i feel my unconsciousness is smarter than that producing symptoms that HAVE to be investigated - current one started as an on/off vibration under my left breast which over the last two months has upped in its intensity going off 4/5 times an hour sometimes for 5/10 seconds (i have done a 24hr ECG which came back fine)...now more disconcertingly it has spread throughout my body like tiny solar flares going off all the time (as muscle twitching)...this could indicate something horrible and neural in the brain etc etc...so whilst the docs are reticent to investigate further on one level on another they have to and herein the utter desperation of the situation...i live metaphorically in the waiting room waiting for a terminal diagnosis...i believe i am addicted to being under siege and have the neural pathways to support this...

again in previous unposted post i detailed a lifetime of traumatic events...i think i could almost say that i am addicted to creating traumatic events, an adrenalin junky perhaps - sailed round the world twice, once with my tiny baby and delicate flower that i am fronted hardcore punkrock bands for 20 years...

and there is the suicide of a family member (i am step mother to her son)

severance from the mother (my dear mother was never able to be a mother as she was/is so fixated on her own pain and disturbance and i know that this is the seat of all this...and it has to end here, i CANNOT pass this history to my own child)

so here i am, my various systems under siege...needing to be in the world and look after my beloved 7year old daughter (who is devastatingly mirroring me in OCD worrying about her health and fixating on innocuous things)

i've read Sarno and implemented Alan Gordons techniques, i meditate, practice self compassion but the siege is raging and i am in meltdown (panic attacks are off the scale)

the docs want me to try an SSRI which is a terrifying idea to me, rearranging this fragile brain chemistry and i know the walk in is difficult and the success rates are not much better than placebo (family member committed suicide on SSRI withdrawal)

am i in the right place? is this the forum for me?

well this turned into another long email, the other was the length of a landing strip...

love to all

jane angel

 

Systems under siege... I can relate!! Yes, I think you are in the right place. I will respond more later. In the meantime try to relax a bit. I need to do that as well.

 

Dear Jane - hello. I'm in the UK too and a similar age to you (49) and not quite there with owning it yet either....


I don’t know how much help I can be as I’m still doing the TMS work myself and haven’t posted much here yet, but I felt moved to reply.


Reading your post, I thought ‘gosh that’s a LOT of stuff to be dealing with’ and I wondered if you had someone you are able to reach out to to help you hold some of this pain and begin to move through it?


From my own experience, I think full-on siege mode with the level of panic you are talking about is not an easy place to be on your own, even with wonderful practices like meditation and self-compassion. Actually, especially with those things sometimes as they can open you up, making the distress all the more visible… It can feel a lot to hold on your own.


I tried the TMS work and a number of mind-body practices on my own before hitting rock bottom and realising I needed to get support. I was lucky to find a wonderful integrative mindbody psychotherapist who was able to help me calm down enough (god, it took a couple of years!) to start to do the real work of discovering emotional health. It’s an ongoing journey…


Anyway, it sounds like you have a good deal of emotional awareness already, so maybe you do have someone to work this through with.


I did go down the SSRI route for a while, but honestly it was the support of a therapist that helped me more than anything else in the end. I didn’t have any huge problems with starting or withdrawing from anti-depressants – I got a pill cutter and moved up in teeny tiny incremental doses and did the same coming off a year or so later over several weeks. But I hear that this is a tough choice for you because of your family history. Maybe talk it through with someone you trust?


And yes, this is a great forum, with some wonderful encouraging and warming tales to read and advice from those who have come through myriad physical and emotional symptoms to recover (I’ve found the posts by Plum, Ellen and Caulfield particularly helpful). Hope you get some good support from others further on than me.


Sending you peace and strength,

Rainstorm x

 

Jane,

Welcome to the forum. I'm 52 and while on the one hand I don't mind, on the other I don't know how it happened! And symptoms of my age are definitely showing. Arg!

I recommend you read Claire Weekes. She was an Australian doctor who wrote about panic attacks, or nervous illness as it was called when she was practicing. You can listen to her on YouTube, or search this site under "Herbie" Watson for some audio links. I found it very soothing to listen to her voice as she teaches about her method. I also use her method when having pain. Many people here on the forum have been helped by her books, and she is often recommend. I hope this helps.
Lizzy

 

your tone is so full of kind caring rainstorm, i really appreciate that and that you found the time to give me such a considered response, thank you so much

the process of writing out all my junk was actually really helpful, i journal but never attemped an overview, i am calmer for it (and a little embarrassed even though it's anonymous)

would you mind sharing how you actually found your mind body psychotherapist? i thought i was alone in manifesting symptoms/pain through anxiety for many years...i think in this country it's still not quite identified as the thing that it is...it gets pushed into the 'health anxiety' camp which can be part of it but isn't really it...

again thank you for your kindness rainstorm

 

lizzy thanks so much for this, i will look up claire weeks now...

 

thank you sofa, i am more relaxed...i think being here is a good move...peace to you too

 

rainstorm, i did reply to you but think user error meant it didn't attach to the thread properly, please see my response randomly elsewhere on the thread! again thanks

 

Hi Jane Angel and welcome to the forum!

I can definitely relate to this...It's like playing a very slow game of 'whack-a-mole'. I too think you're in the right place in coming to this forum.

So true. I'm 61 and in the UK too. I was diagnosed with 'fibromyalgia' and once you have that on your medical records in this country I've found that the medical profession don't take you seriously.

Here are a couple of links re lists of TMS therapists (just in case you'd like to see/Skype one that specialises in TMS) http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Find_a_TMS_Doctor_or_Therapist (Find a TMS Doctor or Therapist) and http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Additional_TMS_Practitioners (Additional TMS Practitioners). The list contains a few that are in the UK if you page around a bit.

 

Hi again Jane

You're so welcome. Glad to hear you are feeling a bit calmer for writing stuff down. I understand the embarrassment (hence my own perpetual lurking and limited posting!) but honestly, all of us here have been there in one way or another...

Re finding a body psychotherapist. Basically I got lucky. Having had a bad experience with 'therapy' with a psychologist (who turned out not to be a trained therapist and was only interested in labelling and 'managing' 'conditions' of the mind in much the same way physical doctors had tried with the pain in my body) I figured out I needed a different approach. A couple of weeks after figuring that out (and already knowing a bit about and being open to TMS ideas), I saw a card in a health food shop for an integrative therapist, contacted her and luckily we were a good fit. She's well trained (Masters in Body Psychotherapy among other qualifications) and more importantly has a lot of experience and practice under her belt. I'm going on about this a bit because it's important to find the right person for you as the wrong one can end up doing more harm than good. But you will know if you listen to your instinct.

You're right, body psychotherapists are a bit few and far between here in the UK. You could try searching the UK Council for Psychotherapy directory for body psychotherapists in your area. They have a drop-down where you can pick the type of therapy you are interested in. Here's a link: https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/

The Chiron Association is one of the places my therapist trained - the association is accredited to the UKCP too - and they have a list of their therapists on their website: https://www.body-psychotherapy.org.uk (Welcome)

Otherwise, here's the tmswiki page on finding a TMS therapist in the UK. There aren't many, but maybe there's one in your area and there's also some advice about working with other therapists who are willing to use the Sarno approach. http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_in_the_UK (TMS in the UK)
Maybe some other members in the UK can recommend others?

I'm really happy if you want to DM me and tell me whereabouts you are to see if I could help you find someone if you still draw a blank.

Love to you.
Rainstorm x