Two weeks in. Hopeful but struggling.

Hello all,
I have struggled with chronic and acute back pain for the past three years. Like most of you I have tried every physical treatment out there with very limited results. I read Sarno's HBP 2 weeks ago and was instantly flooded with hope! I have continued reading MBP and practicing psychological thinking, talking to my mind and exploring my difficult childhood issues in therapy but my pain has gotten progressively worse! I'm trying to rise above the pain and want to believe that this is a good sign? But the pain is really affecting my ability to function, work and stay focused.
I would be so grateful to hear stories from others who have or are struggling with increased pain. The last two weeks have been such a roller coaster of hope, tears and continual frustration. My pain is a constant battle and sometimes I can't help but get defeated by it.
I have an appointment with a TMS Dr. this Tuesday so I'm really hoping for a formal diagnosis. Has a diagnosis helped people to begin to ease their pain? Does increased pain mean anything? Any encouragement is appreciated.
Thank you.
With fingers crossed,
Jilana

 

Hi Jilana,

You are not alone.

Increased symptoms are very common, as the learned pathways struggle to survive. This has been my personal experience, and I first read Sarno 10 weeks ago.

Best advice I can offer is stick to the process and do your best to FORGET being pain free and when. Keep posting.

There are many here who will share your pain on the most difficult days. MR

 

Thank you Michael.
It is so good to know that others on this forum truly get the struggle that I'm going through. The increased symptoms are difficult but it's good to know that they're not uncommon. Now I just have to work on not caring how long they will last :/

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom Forest.
I actually got a TMS diagnosis today from Dr. Eisendorf and I think it's helping already! I'm feeling hopeful that journaling, support group and this forum will get me through the dark hours and on my way back to a pain free life. My challenge will be remaining patient and trusting the process.
Any and all suggestions and encouragement is welcome.

Thank you!

 

Welcome, Jilana!

 

Good for you, Jilana!

I wish I could find a TMS doctor close to me. I may just have to break down and go see one out of town.

 

where do you live honebear? it might be worth it to make the trip.

 

I've noticed too Jilana that when you begin probing your unconscious and unearthing repressed emotions, my TMS does seem to flare up and present me with new symptoms in a strange, unpredictable pattern of ups and downs. Only now that I've been at it 5 months since starting the SEP last March do I begin to notice that there has been a steady, slow improvement traced by an up and down bouncing ball of symptoms. Last year I could barely hike a mile up and back over a scree slope in the mountains. This summer I peak bagged several 12000 ft summits in the Sierra. But that doesn't mean that the pain went away after each new exertion. Instead, it was still there only it wasn't limiting my range of activities nearly as much. What's that they say in the NFL: "You've got to play with the little hurts". However, looking back now, my improvement has been slow, steady and really, really awesome, but because it's happened so slowly over an extended period of time, I'm still impatient with my progress. Yet I can see that in a few more months there won't be very much to complain about. Being able to trail run again will be about the last physical barrier I have to overcome. You just can get obsessed with your recovery to the point that it blinds you to how much you've improved. Sure it still hurts after I take a three-mile hike on the nature preserve near my house at night, but instead of recovering in 24 hours, I'm back to a pain-free state in 30 minutes to an hour or so. Also, I'm hiking about three times faster than this spring even if it hurts and stings a bit. TMS certainly doesn't want to give up quickly, does it? Maybe for some, but not for yours truly. But I wouldn't want to go backwards and return to the way I was a year ago for anything in the world.

 

Hi Jilana:

I am on Day #19 of SEP and have up and down days. This site and the folks who have been supporting me have been awesome. My pain keeps moving around. Right now it's hitting me hard in my lower back. I will see a TMS MD on Friday which I know will be so very helpful.

I do believe I will heal, but like most TMS'ers, I want a quick fix and as MorComm has stated, sometimes it's slow by steady progress. I stopped exercising two weeks ago but will join the YMCA and swim or peddle until I can run again.

Welcome to the community. There is hope. You will heal.

Susan

 

Lala ~ I am in New Mexico, but grew up in Chicago. I haven't been back to my hometown since June '10 when my dad passed away, so I am do for a visit. This afternoon I found a TMS doctor there....John Stracks, MD. I sent him an e-mail and he has already responded. Looks like I am going to have a short phone consultation with him on Friday and then schedule an appointment. He said he has two options...an hour visit in his downtown office or 1/2 or full-day appointments on a Saturday. I am excited at the prospect of seeing a real TMS doctor, but already wondering if he will truly give me the diagnosis. In my e-mail to him, I gave him a fairly brief synopsis of my pain, but in his reply back to me, he only said, "Given what you've told me I do see that TMS is a possible diagnosis for you but of course I would need to see you in person to know for sure." My intellect knows that as a licensed physician, he must say that since he has not seen me in his office, but, boy oh boy, is my TMS going to have a hay day with that!

 

Thank you everybody for all your kind words. I have learned so much from all of you already!
I can so relate to many of the things that Lala, Susan and honeybear have talked about here. It is helpful to have the diagnosis but I have to say that I think the journaling has been even more effective at uncovering my childhood issues of neglect and sorrow. Lets just say my inner child is pissed!
I wish you all quick progress and pain free days.

 

I'm sure my inner child is pissed, too! I think she's been pissed for a very long time. She has been trying to get her needs met in any way possible since a very young age. When I was 5 or 6, I stole a gumball at the penny candy store and got caught. Guess I was trying to fill a hole. I don't remember my brother telling our parents, but I continued to take change out of my mom's purse here and there to buy candy and fill that hole. I have been told by my therapist that I was an innovative little girl to find ways to take care of herself, but I still carry a ton of shame for that behavior. One time when I was 6 or 7, maybe 8, my grandma took me shopping and I wanted some Certs, so I took them. She made me put them back. Later at home, my mom called me upstairs so I could show her what grandma bought for me. She tricked me! Instead, I got a spanking.

I found this link last night of an interview with Dr. Stracks:

http://www.patientpower.info/progra...xpert&oid=5f2971d0-b7a6-11df-8bfd00262d1ccbec

I have already listened to it a few times. The last time I heard it, I heard him say that he has his patients set a timer and journal. Why didn't I think about that?! I have been setting that timer every day for the past 14 months to meditate. Now it's time to use it for getting to the root of my pain.

 

Wow Honeybear your inner child has every right to be pissed!
When I hear your story it just makes me so sad for that little girl who was trying so hard to get the attention she deserved. I hope you can find compassion and forgiveness for her and let go of the shame. There is no shame in the innocent things we did to try to survive as kids. In the end it's no ones fault but if anyone should carry shame it would be our neglectful parents. Somehow we have to figure out how to shift this blame from us and be the parents that we never had. This is what I'm working on this week.
Good luck with your journaling and process and know that one day we will be out of pain for good.
Hugs