Triggers

[LauraG8792]

Hello everyone,

The work I have done so far because of this program, has helped me realize of some of the triggers that cause me pain, mainly in my lower back but also knees, hands/wrists and elbows. I have noticed two things in which maybe any of you could guide me finding a way to deal with them:

1. Perfectionism: as part of my ADHD, perfectionism is one of the personality traits that makes me feel so underachiever all the time. In case I have to teach a lesson, preparing it takes me way too long, I fixate in details such as colors and contrast, font, animations, etc. When it's time to have the lesson I can't even use the presentation as it's not finished and that leads to stress because then I have to use something else, improvise and that's not enough for me. I love cooking but when something goes wrong, no matter if it's minimal, I feel like the result is mediocre. I love playing the bass guitar but not playing well enough, leads to frustration, then I have to stop and playing the bass becomes really stressful. I think it's possible I'm that way because when I was a child I saw how much my mom had to struggle financially, she was always tired so I wanted to be less of a burden by being my best self, so my self criticism is high and my own standards are impossible to reach.

2. Structure: any person in this world needs structure in their day, wake up at certain time, get a shower, have a meal walk dogs, cook, work, do laundry, pick up kids from school, etc. Knowing that I am to do those things leads me to stress, therefore pain. Because of my ADHD specially, I need structure now that I can even forget to eat or feed my dogs. I think it might be possible that the stress towards structure got worse when I was taking care of mom (she's had an accident 12 years ago and since then she doesn't know who she is, doesn't speak, doesn't move and she's secluded to bed), I had to clean, do laundry without washing machine, cook, work multiple jobs, feed her, give her her medicines on time and by the end of the day my pain was so bad that I lied next to her hiding my tears and smiling so maybe if she could understand, she would see I was OK. Sometimes I would forget to feed myself or poop as I was just busy! I had no time for friends and I'm also terrible at making and keeping friends so I was isolated. Once the pain was so bad that I had to walk as I could to the nearest store and ask a female worker to please hug me, I don't know why I knew that the tension in my back was going to lessen. That was in Colombia, 4 years ago I moved to the Netherlands, got married and I get as many hugs as I want. I pay people to take care of mom, my mental and physical situation there were unsustainable so I needed to make a change for my mom and my own benefit.

Having said that, I think I identify those triggers and how they originated, but I wonder what to do to manage them, have balance in my life and probably lessen the pain even more. I'm open to ideas.

Thank you for reading me,

Laura.

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi @LauraG8792
I resonate with some of the things you have written about that effect your life. I developed perfectionism both from generational social pressures of immigrant families and because I have un-diagnosed learning disabilities (I'm of an age where this wasn't even considered). My parents struggled to be financially stable and get a "leg up" and so became strivers to fit in. I felt a lot of pressure to be smart, "good" and to succeed at whatever I tried...and this unfortunately didn't work out that well for me - both because I wasn't very talented in the things I was encouraged to participate in and because I pressured myself to the point I would throw up as a child.
I work on overcoming this all the time. One of my triggers is people thinking that things I do are not good enough. I have gotten over myself thinking things are not good enough but an eg. is someone who micromanages my writing (I am a professional writer) or completely changes things I wrote (which has happened).
I learned to let go of my own personal worries about not being good enough through kindness meditations, and choosing to let go, choosing to see myself in a different light and learning that what other people think of me doesn't really impact my life much at this point. If they try to do the things I mentioned above, I don't do them anymore for that person. I won't work for them, or do them favors. What you are dealing with is the emotions tied to these thoughts and behaviors which seem to be illiciting OCD type "fixations". I began to purposely NOT fix anything that would encourage these reactions in me. Eg. on this forum I just type away. I don't correct myself, and if it's kind of a random string of thoughts, well, so be it. If I get my idea across, then that's good enough. It has taken conscious effort to do this and much self-talk and even self-redirection. I tell myself nobody expects me to be perfect, and that I am perfectly safe without being perfect. I choose to be creative, spontaneous, courageous, dead funny, and to spread joy to others through the things I enjoy doing.
I too often feel my cooking isn't stellar, but it's nutritious and healthful. I'm no chef and I don't need to be. In my book food is to fuel the body and if it does that, then it's fine. If I were you, I'd approach my lessons in exactly the same manner for their appearance - the appearance of the lesson just needs to be pleasant and easy to read because the lesson itself is the fuel for the mind. I can't remember a single image a professor or teacher showed me, but I can vividly remember some lessons because of the content.

As for structure, I think you are using it absolutely appropriately. There is a TMS therapist in Australia who guides her clients to use their "superpowers" or TMS personality traits for their betterment. She feels that if you need perfectionism in your life there is no better way then to say use it to organize your home, or like you, to add needed structure.

You have now learned that you can put yourself and your own needs first without diminishing your love for others eg. your Mom. What a wonderful thing to be able to do for you both.

How do you feel emotionally about your need for structure? That would be a great journaling topic on it's own. A way to set free any preconceived notions (and the feeling about needing to be perfectly free of any TMS personality traits) about how one must be or proceed in a healing journey. If you can guide your mindset to seeing the structure as a positive thing, and perhaps eventually begin to allow spaces for spontaneity or deal with not being able to follow a schedule at sometimes and how that feels, then I think you will just find this way to be completely normal.

Do you journal? It sounds like you are the type of person who would really really benefit from journaling and consider that your compulsions and certain thoughts are something that might make your subconscious deeply rageful. I don't even journal about it anymore, I just keep it in mind and totally let myself feel the anger, and frequently with my anger - shame or guilt. It now passes and I don't hang on to it.
Meditation has also been a wonderful practice for me to separate myself from the these kinds of thoughts and let my mind see the true person I am without having to participate in any of those personality characteristics. I find sitting in quiet very difficult most of the time, so I prefer a guided meditation and most specifically body scans because there is an order to them, and I can let my mind go free from trying to control order etc. and just let the guided voice take over.

Sounds like you have come very far, congratulations!