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Day 16 Trigger, trigger, go away

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Rosebud, Jun 19, 2018.

  1. Rosebud

    Rosebud Peer Supporter

    I'm struggling somewhat in how to handle one of my very obvious triggers. I'm feeling pretty good as long as I stay at home, but as soon as I leave the house, my pain gets so much worse. What used to be pain, turned into horrible cramps, and at their worst, the cramps make me limp. Or I skip the cramps, and go straight to the limp. And it seems this escalation started when I accepted the TMS diagnosis.

    So, I do have an inkling of what the cause may be. I think my brain doesn't want me to walk in the forest, because that sometimes makes me cry, so it gives me pain as soon as I'm leaving the house, just to be on the safe side. I could be wrong, but it doesn't really matter anyway. The thing is, what do I do now? Do I go back home immediately? That's ignoring the problem, right? Just go home, sit down, no more pain. I worry that this might lead to agoraphobia! Do I try to make it to the first available bench, and take it from there? That's still not doing something about the trigger, but at least now I'm walking and leaving the house. And while I'm sitting on the bench, I do some breathing exercises, or I repeat to myself that my back is OK. That's easy, actually, because sitting stops the pain! So there's a psychological and a physical aspect to this way of reacting. Sometimes, I just stop for a minute or I walk really, really slowly.

    Or do I power through, keep on walking and limp if I must? Will that not create a connection between walking and pain, and once again make me even less inclined to walk? Am I Pavlov's dog?

    I wish I could feel my feelings while I walk with bad pain or a limp, but I can't, for now. I know, that's the point of TMS! But how am I supposed to feel my feelings when it takes all I have just to walk? And most of the calming techniques I know require me to sit and/or close my eyes. What I can do, is keep telling myself that my back is OK, my body's OK, I'm OK. I can do that. What I want to do, is to explore the feelings that don't want me to walk. Yesterday, I did the journalling dialogue exercise, and tried to talk to my back. It didn't get much further than "Help me. I'm in so much pain. I cannot tell you how to help me, but I want you to help me anyway."

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