Tried to kill myself after so long in pain...still here and worse off.

[plum]

Now lest I sound like some death fetishist...I am not. I want to live. I wanted to before this. Every suicidal person I have ever spoken to, when listened to, doesn't want to die, they want pain, whatever theirs is, to end.

You don’t sound like a death fetishist. You sound like person who has been through the circles of hell and just wants it to stop. This is enough.

 

[TG957]

I have immense respect and love for you. Only a fellow caregiver can truly comprehend both the sorrow and soul-destroying moments as well as the exquisite beauty, intimacy and compassion of holding a life in your hands and heart.

Dear @plum and @miffybunny , I just read this beautiful post from @plum about caregivers and could not help it but reply. Life dealt you the hardest of the cards, and you both handle it with grace, courage and strength. Sending you my love.
TG

 

[miffybunny]

Thank you Plum and TG957 for your kind words!! Being a caretaker can be relentless and challenging but I'm very lucky that my son also brings me a lot of joy! My son is loving and super affectionate so that part is wonderful! Plum you made me laugh with your Eckart comment lol! I just get annoyed with him because he has no kids and no responsibilities that I can see other than to his disciples who hang on his every word haha! Viktor Frankl has my infinite respect for having endured 4 concentration camps and having his whole family killed. It's safe to say he knew about suffering and responsibility...even to the memory of the dead.

Although it's not for me to judge a person's choices, what I will say is that when it comes to TMS and chronic pain there IS a way out. It is not hopeless by any means. I wouldn't still be on this site if I didn't believe that to the depths of my being.

 

[westb]

That's why I suggested you that technique. Basically, you start to pray for the people that made/make you suffer. I know, it's not easy but you just let go and do it for a few minutes. You visualize them in peace and harmony. And then, you visualize yourself in peace and harmony. You have compassion for them and then for yourself.

You don't even have to be a spiritual/religious person. This is a visualization exercise, a personal experience. And it's not in vain, I used it in the past and I had tremendous results, you'll be surprised. I was surprised! And yes, I used it for people that were indeed making my life a nightmare. After that I did find my peace and harmony. And they found theirs too, or at least a little bit of it. Yes, they changed their actions towards me. And I changed my reactions towards them. It's liberating for you.

But you'll have to actually do it in order to see results.

Haven't been around here for a while, but here I am and I needed to read this post. Thank you so much for it. The lockdown has thrown me in on myself which has brought up a lot of childhood stuff that I thought I'd worked through on my TMS journey. I'm retired and I live alone and normally, as an introvert, I actively welcome and relish my own company in order to recharge, but the isolation is starting to become oppressive. It has given me time though to dig deeper into certain feelings and traumas that happened in my childhood, or more accurately they have simply risen to the surface of my consciousness. Your suggestion of praying for the people who made me suffer is not new to me - I've heard it in 12th step meetings - but I find it so very challenging and have always balked at the very idea before. Maybe it's the right thing to start doing now.