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Tried to kill myself after so long in pain...still here and worse off.

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by had, May 15, 2020.

  1. had

    had Peer Supporter

    I found TMS too late. I had already had lots of surgery that I didn't need and it left me with severe physical issues. I did the best I could with TMS work to reduce pain and eliminate/stop new TMS based stuff. But...not everything is TMS and not everything that is life ruining is about health. So as my life deteriorated in all ways...as people showed that in large they are ego driven victim blamers...and as "help" was absent or inadequate...I finally decided to opt out. I was not even allowed to apply a permanent solution to the permanent problem of life. So now I am worse off due to negligent medical care in the process of "saving" me...being treated largely like I deserve it because of what I did...and am once again in the damaging loop of Murican healthcare giving me conflicting diagnoses and costing me tons. I am in a terrible living situation with narcissistic family who were a major part of why I did this, I have actual physical health issues being ignored or denied by the system, I seem to fall in every crack the broken/absent social system here has. The only lesson I learned is everything I thought about society, people, and the system was correct as they have proven it even more strongly since this event. My life was destroyed by greed driven surgery. This was denied over and over. Now the system that did this to me is laying people off because they are not getting all that sweet elective surgery money which demonstrates clearly how wrong healthcare as a business is. There is no solution for me...I am just venting...nobody is ever going to treat root causes in my life...no philosophy or religion changes anything...no pill or exercise solves it...but if nothing else I hope someone sees it as a warning to how for-profit healthcare and its motives ruin lives. Don't let them cut on you unless its life or death...and even then you gamble.
    Last edited: May 15, 2020
  2. Dorado

    Dorado Beloved Grand Eagle

    @had, I am so sorry for the pain you have dealt with and continue to feel. What type of support are you seeking from your loved ones? Is there anything you’ve found that eases your pain? With regard to root causes, what do you wish people would understand about your situation? We are certainly here to listen. ❤️
    plum likes this.
  3. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi had,

    I am so sorry about your situation. It seems you've suffered a great deal, and that your life currently feels overwhelming, no relief.

    I wish you compassion for yourself, your experience. I know you didn't do any of this to yourself. The world, this existence has the potential for a lot of suffering, and we're often simply along for the ride, as miserable as it might be.

    Here is a meditation, brief, on being here for ourselves, as best we can, by Neff, which I like. You might find it helpful.


    Is there anything you'd like me to hear or know, or any kind of support we might give you through this forum.

    plum likes this.
  4. TG957

    TG957 Beloved Grand Eagle

    @had , I don't know what your family situation is. I am sure it must be awful. But there is always hope for something better and you never know how your life is going to turn, often unexpectedly. At the time when my pain was at its worst and I did not see any hope to get out of my rapidly progressing condition, a psychologist at the pain clinic told me this story. She was in Sarajevo after the civil war there ended in 1993, as a volunteer, and she was seeing this woman who spent a year in a crawl space of her house with four children. The house was destroyed and the only place left was the crawl space. She spent a year bent at a 90 degree angle because otherwise she would not be able to fit in. She could not stand up for a year. She had children to take care of, they were starving, food was incredibly sparse and she never knew when the next piece of bread would be within her reach, and there was shelling every day.

    After that year, she could no longer stand up anymore and she had severe back pain. Yet the woman found her happiness, because she and her kids miraculously survived. She was the warmest, kindest person one could find in a city destroyed by the war. I don't know why, but that story kept me afloat for months, until my pain started slowly fading away.

    I am not saying you are better off than that woman and you therefore should be happy. But I am telling you this to give you hope. You never know what your life is going to offer, sometimes there is a new beginning right around the corner. Give the TMS healing a chance. Be patient. The strength comes from within even when you think there is nothing left in you. Also, it is very important for you to know that even after many surgeries, people are able to heal from pain. Give it another chance, please!
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  5. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    Wow what a powerful story TG957! It reminds me of the book "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl who survived 4 concentration camps. It's a must read for everyone imo. When you have "why" you will find the "how". This book had a profound impact on me and I think for anyone struggling, it can put things in perspective .
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  6. TG957

    TG957 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Yes, @miffybunny , I agree, it is a book for everybody to read. And you are absolutely right about "why" and "how". Those who have something to live for would always find a way to regain that strength to go on. It took me a long time to get over the anger that was boiling inside me, anger at the doctors who misdiagnosed me and refused to listen to me, but at some point I realized that I needed to refocus myself from my anger at them to my own healing, because that was the only constructive thing I could do. That was that "why" that led me to the "how". I am forever grateful to the people on this forum who helped me to do exactly that.
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  7. HattieNC

    HattieNC Well known member

    Hello had,
    Reading your post breaks my heart. In 2016, I was at my lowest point.... I lived in excruciating pain, my finances were terrible, and my 30 year marriage was falling apart. I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel or hope for the future. Now, 4 years later my world has completely changed. I just finished my daily 40 minute exercise routine, my marriage is better than it has been in decades, and our financial situation is much, much better. I'm saying this not to brag on my "great" life, but to affirm what others have said in thread. There is hope!!! You don't know what miracles are ahead if you are open to possibilities. I shudder to think what I would have missed if I had done what I was contemplating in 2016. Especially, the two precious grandchildren that were born since then. Remember, we are all here to support you in any way we can.
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  8. had

    had Peer Supporter

    Honestly as much as I appreciate the intent behind every response. I just feel worse when I reach out. Nothing that people say ever fully applies to me or has worked. I am not someone who can "find happiness" disabled and suffering. Frankl's book frustrated me and I later found many others who felt the same, and most psychological professionals I have spoken too don't have a great opinion of it. But it's one of the things people repeat over and over as a life saver. Didn't work for me. Same with a lot of the stuff that gets recycled into pop culture like Hesse and other older works. I am not and never will be someone who can "make the best of a neverending bad situation". I have to move forward or out. I cannot accept these pains and limitations and the best they can be. It's frustrating to constantly be told by people that's some problem with my attitude or my fault. By people who, even with their own problems, don't live like that for the most part. Don't have to live in the hell I do. All I needed to have enough of a foundation to manage was basic human rights and needs...things I would have gotten in most first world systems...but denied here. I simply cannot survive by finding "meaning" in a horrible situation that only ends on death.

    I found TMS too late to make an appreciable difference and give me a whole life. My original issues were 100% TMS but nobody told me about it until I stumbled on it years later in a bookstore. They instead told me I had serious problems that required surgery...surgery they would do for a lot of money. Then they ruined my life and then they and everyone else blamed ME. It's the same thing a lot of people do when you say "I read Frankl and it didn't do it for me" because people so often get offended when their advice isn't helpful or fawned over. I am not saying anyone here will do that...just its happened many times. I have given TMS healing lots of chances....gotten a lot from it for over a decade...but things are so bad now and not everything is TMS. I am so tired of this idea that I haven't done it right...or long enough...or am somehow failing myself when its been people and systems continually failing ME. Nobody does it alone...and tales of survivor bias aren't reality...they are rare cases.

    "Why should we spend time on you if you aren't taking our advice and are getting worse?" is something several of my family members have said. I have taken their advice. It hasn't worked. Then that's MY fault. I've done what I am "supposed" to and I still lose. TMS methods have reduced some issues of pain and eliminated others...but my life ending issues are not TMS...my abusive father isn't TMS...my money which is required for life being stolen by crooked systems isn't TMS.

    My dad physically assaulted me last week. He got SO angry at being argued with...that he created this fiction that I was a threat to him and he put his hands on me. He then went on and on about how he HAD to because I MADE him...it was "self defense". No apology. No "I lost myself and please forgive me". Only "Damn right I did it and I will do it again if YOU make me." This is the first time he has been physical with me but its not shocking as he is an angry and aggressive person when triggered, and every damn thing triggers him. But I am trapped here. I cannot survive homeless, there is no social system in this country and esp not where I am, years waiting lists for assisted housing etc and I fall in all eligibility cracks. Denied disability after fighting for years and denied most things because of some bullshit policy reason. My life is full of "sorry we know its not right, not fair, but its how it is.". Now I was made WORSE by the terrible medical system ignoring a serious issue while I was being "saved" and I am getting conflicting diagnoses and more stalling, more pain, more dismissal. It's exactly what caused me to do this the first time..and they won't listen...they don't care.

    I never used to understand how it could get this bad for people. I, like most, though "there HAS to be a way out, a solution, some help". The reality is, much of the time there is not, and people are left to fend for themselves. I have heard it all..all the "common sense" advice, all the books, all the treatments, all the medicines. I am so tired of not just pain but life and how most people are...these selfish, ego driven beasts. I need to be better enough that I can stand this world...or out of it...but I am denied either path by external circumstances and I reject this idea its all my choice or within my power. That's wishful thinking and doesn't work most of the time for most people. It's just coping and not living. Give me better health, a safe and loving environment, basic needs....THEN I can climb up Maslow's pyramid. But expecting someone who is drowning to drown better or suddenly become a competent swimmer is unfair and unreasonable and doesn't work. You just end up with someone smiling whilst drowning and saying "this is fine" like that flaming dog in the bar meme.
    Last edited: May 18, 2020
  9. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi had,

    I appreciate your heart-felt words about your life. You're very clear and direct in your understanding. Everything you're saying makes sense to me.

    I don't believe any of this is "your fault" despite the external (or internal messages) about this. This blaming self is a deep form of suffering, in my experience, and if I could wish one thing for you, it is that, really, you don't blame yourself for where you find yourself, despite the external messages.

    I agree that things do occur which we cannot "overcome." My prayers are with you in this time of troubles.

    My invitation to join us for conversation tomorrow night is here, if you like. It is a chance to listen to others and be heard:

    http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/surviving-and-thriving-free-evenings-start-next-week.22868/ (Surviving and Thriving free evenings start next week)

    Please continue to post here if you find it all helpful.

    plum likes this.
  10. had

    had Peer Supporter

    I don't blame myself for the root causes. I AM a victim...and this was done TO me...I do guess I blame myself for not learning lessons about people, narcissism, egos etc even after repeated examples in my life. I remained idealistic and childlike with my desire for "right" and "fair" so long it resulted in letting people irreversibly harm me. I really believed all that childhood stuff about sharing, caring, kindness, empathy...that adults usually don't exhibit. I thought the fact my parents didn't was an anomaly and the few good people I knew growing up would be more plentiful out in the real world. They were not. I lived that way, helping others, when I had a life...when I needed that help it was largely absent. I saw how people turn on suffering, victims, and how thin the veneer of it all really was.

    Today was another example of people not caring about others and making it about themselves. I was blown off by, and insulted by, more than one receptionist at the hospital when I asked to please speak to a human being instead of another voicemail box that is never replied to. They acted annoyed I was trying to get information and said I was not "special" and could wait like everyone else. The lack of empathy is so heartbreaking.I was not called back by the doctor's assistant from last week...since you are not "allowed" to speak to the doctors here and have to go through layers.

    So now another night of fear and not knowing whats happening...HOPING they call tomorrow but having no faith they will...just being told it's "serious" but not WHAT is serious and WHAT can be done. No call back from ANY of the places I left desperate messages at. I simply don't understand why someone cannot take 2min and let me know whats happening. I have no primary care...they have shown such incompetence and lack of caring. The specialists keep referring to other specialists without telling me anything. American healthcare is why I tried to kill myself once. I fear it will be the cause of it happening again but I cannot even express those feelings without someone acting like I need to be locked up for my "safety". They don't care about me...they care about their liability. If they cared about me they wouldn't keep recycling me into the meat grinder and CAUSING these issues.

    If I had anywhere else to go...any other system to ask for help...I'd do it. I do not. I really just want to not wake up...but even that obvious result from such a life and situation is treated as something wrong with ME and not something wrong with the system and how I am treated. I know the solutions for both the suicidality and the disability...nobody will enact them because it's doesn't gain them anything. Even some "beloved" TMS gurus and therapists have ignored appeals or acted like I was "doing it wrong" when their script didn't work...because ultimately its about getting paid and it's about them...as with most people. The Murican culture especially runs on greed and ego and when you don't have the means to BUY safety and care you don't matter anymore. I know people suffering as I have in countries with good social systems and they had help to arrest the fall and rebuild...and even then it's not "easy". Here it's just blame and dismissal. The only person who has helped me in any real way over the years has been Dr. Schubiner...an amazing person...and his book the most helpful for me....but things are so bad now I am beyond that. I need some very concrete and practical help...help I cannot get...help I am insulted for needing. I am "entitled" and "weak" and "not trying hard enough" when I need that help. The mindset in this country is just so anti-humane and I just do not understand it.
    Last edited: May 18, 2020
  11. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    No words of advice or consolation here. Last year my husband and I were put through the ‘Austerity’ meat-grinder and it damn near killed me. It has quite literally killed thousands of people who have died destitute after having all financial support removed. Unless you have been through it, the soul-destroying nature of the bureaucratic machine is beyond comprehension. To this day I cannot believe the silent massacre happening off radar. I do understand you and for what it’s worth, I send you some good old-fashioned love from afar.
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  12. Sita

    Sita Well known member

    Last edited: May 19, 2020
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  13. had

    had Peer Supporter

    Thank you. The sad thing I have learned is those who care and would help are not able to...and those who could refuse to. Makes me think its all some game, joke, twisted Truman show. I am going to die because of America's incompetent healthcare and it's selfish culture. I live every day in rage, which is not good for the TMS, but you cannot expect most people who are being harmed and betrayed like this, with no way out, to meditate and be ok with it and lie to themselves about accepting it etc. Frankl and Tolle and whoever else wants to put it all on me and my attitude etc can kiss my ass. My attitude is a direct result of how I have been treated, what has been taken from me, not at all my fault or the result of something I have done wrong or not strongly enough, and I am not sorry I am falling to my death "wrongly" for them.
  14. miffybunny

    miffybunny Beloved Grand Eagle

    As far as Tolle goes I can relate to that. I's easy to be Zen when you're a single dude touring for Oprah and people listen to you with baited breath and you travel in cushy hotels etc. Try caretaking my 14 year old son who is severely autistic, tantrums, self injures, can't talk and is still in pull-ups. Tolle is not cleaning up poop all day and other disasters, and listening to constant screaming. Frankle did survive unimaginable horrors, however, so it helped me put things in perspective. If Tolle tried that for one week in a pandemic with no break, I assure you he would be in a straitjacket by now. Not everything can be fixed. Not every injustice can be remedied. My son will never get better, have a job, fall in love or talk. I can't even die in peace, but I have had to accept certain bitter pills. I don't have any answers but I still believe life is worth living . Whether a person wants to end it or not, that is their choice as well. There were times I thought of it just to comfort myself "if all else fails.." but I didn't even have that comfort because of my kids. I don't think any of us have the answers because our journeys are unique.
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
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  15. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    As usual miffybunny you always bring truths
    And light to all your posts
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  16. had

    had Peer Supporter

    Sorry about your child...that adds a level of complexity I couldn't imagine. I've met plenty of people who had kids and lost the fight and ended their lives. It takes a lot of pain to even push people past that strong anchor to life. It's bad enough as is...I cannot imagine having a dependent and being helpless to protect them as my life collapses.

    Unfortunately this society has said it is NOT our choice to stop living. They will stop that at all costs and did when I opted out once already, but will not help you actually live. That's the whirlpool I am trapped in. There was a time enough assistance could have resulted in a tolerable life. Now I feel even all the money in the world, a flat in my dream city, and a great medical team wouldn't be enough. But its a moot point as I will never have any of that. I don't WANT to stop living...but like anyone else with suicidal thoughts I DO want the pain to stop. I'd happily take health and a life...but I have used up all of my options and am totally dependent on what others choose to do now. They are choosing to ignore, blame, deny. My own family hurts me...emotionally and now physically. I am a threat, a bad feeling, and that is to be stomped out. It's how more people act than is comfortable to admit. The psychologist and psychiatrist I speak to both understand and agree with me. They are good people but are limited in their power to effect root problems.

    I had a life...I did good...helped...lived well. It was taken from me. I did the best I could with what was left...more taken....more adapting...more taken....you can only contract so much....implosion is inevitable.

    I am so sad I will never get to do so many things again even if I stay living for a while...so many limitations, so many losses, so much pain. Things people take for granted. Things I did. But really...now...I just want it...life...to stop. It's not worth it...too painful. But surprisingly its pretty hard to die. It's also terrifying when it doesn't work. So I am here in purgatory...no way in and no way out. My worst nightmare...burning alive.
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
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  17. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    I have immense respect and love for you. Only a fellow caregiver can truly comprehend both the sorrow and soul-destroying moments as well as the exquisite beauty, intimacy and compassion of holding a life in your hands and heart.

    I had to help my husband out of bed a few minutes ago. He has experiences of freezing (motor paralysis) and is rendered utterly helpless. My beautiful man who once regularly performed on stage now can barely use a remote control never mind play piano as he once did. Yet he did have those wonderful times. My heart aches for you and your son. I am friends with a nurse whose son is severely autistic and her devotion to him would warm the coldest of hearts. You too are blessed with such kindness and guts. People don’t realise the courage it takes to go on day after day.

    Thank you for the many posts, always so pragmatically sage, caring and insightful. This community is blessed to have you here. ❤️

    (Loved your words on Tolle. That guy has always got on my tits. :))

    Sweetheart, I wish I could magic you to a safe place far away from the narcissistic bear trap you find yourself in. Maybe in a better environment you could find some peace, some traction. I don’t know, I’m just so sorry you hurt so much.

    In the UK we have a campaign called “Dignity in Dying” which calls for a change in the law to permit assisted dying. I’m a passionate believer in this. No one should be trapped in a life they wish to be free of. I realise this is an exceptionally contentious subject but given that death is as natural as breathing it is about time our societies faced and spoke about these complexities instead of turning our backs and feigning ignorance.

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  18. had

    had Peer Supporter

    Narcissism is really my primary root cause. It's what caused my miserable childhood, the unneeded surgeries, the denials after. Not gonna change that since so many people live in it. When I had agency I avoided those sorts of people when I could, and minimized contact when I had to be around them. But they have ruined my body and resources so much I don't even have that choice anymore.

    About the right to die...I find it immensely frustrating how cruel and selfish so many people are. They would never want to suffer like this themselves, but require it of others. Switzerland is the most progressive place wrt this and even their clinics have restrictions (sane ones for the most part), but they cost 15,000 or so eurodollarpounds. I opted for a DIY solution that should have worked, but people intervened against my documented wishes and have now put me right back in the mess with more problems and less help. Murica will not for many generations have assisted dying for anything but terminally ill people with not long left anyway. Too puritanical and controlling a place to allow that agency to individuals.

    Now lest I sound like some death fetishist...I am not. I want to live. I wanted to before this. Every suicidal person I have ever spoken to, when listened to, doesn't want to die, they want pain, whatever theirs is, to end. They would all take a new body, new mind, new relationships. Some SAY they want nothingness more than anything but again when you drill down its not true. They just know the somethingness they live is nothing but fire and pain so the opposite HAS to be better.

    Nobody has the right to force someone else to suffer endlessly, but they do it all the time. They do it "for your own good" whilst refusing to actually do anything for your own good. Help me live...the help I NEED to live...or let me die in peace. Somehow that's just not possible and it fills me with despair and rage.
  19. Sita

    Sita Well known member

    That's why I suggested you that technique. Basically, you start to pray for the people that made/make you suffer. I know, it's not easy but you just let go and do it for a few minutes. You visualize them in peace and harmony. And then, you visualize yourself in peace and harmony. You have compassion for them and then for yourself.

    You don't even have to be a spiritual/religious person. This is a visualization exercise, a personal experience. And it's not in vain, I used it in the past and I had tremendous results, you'll be surprised. I was surprised! And yes, I used it for people that were indeed making my life a nightmare. After that I did find my peace and harmony. And they found theirs too, or at least a little bit of it. Yes, they changed their actions towards me. And I changed my reactions towards them. It's liberating for you.

    But you'll have to actually do it in order to see results.
    Last edited: May 20, 2020
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  20. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    In Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) there is an exquisite meditation (not strictly a meditation in the conventional sense but still a focus of consciousness) called Surrogate Tapping which you do on behalf of another person who is suffering. The effects are astonishing...nigh on magical.

    I have done it for loved ones and seen amazing changes for them. I know of other carers who have tapped on behalf of their dementia patients and those sweet souls experience a lightening and ease. It’s important to stress that this is usually done without the knowledge of the person we do it for so this nixes the possibility of placebo.

    Essentially it’s a form of metta, Maitrī, benevolence or loving kindness. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I am certain your prayer gifts a similar miracle. Thank you for sharing it. I’m going to show my husband because he has a soft spot for Yogananda.

    Love to you x
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