invincible
Peer Supporter
Hi everyone,
Sadly I am back and not for good reasons. Been struggling again pretty badly with a new symptom which is refusing to go away and keeps getting triggered by stress or emotions or just situations in general that overwhelm me and cause my brain to kind of lose it and then it pours all that into my left shoulder and its been a really rough time since February or so of this year.
Lots of the things I did last time aren't really helping me and i went through a lot of pain and inability to use my left arm for a long time. It's gotten a whole lot better now and it actually took me a while to register again that hey this isn't something physical and its TMS again.
But even then, just having that awareness hasn't been able to make the pain go away which has been quite frustrating and sad for me. I haven't been able to do talk therapy either because just getting into my thoughts and using my brain has been so overwhelming and difficult. Once I had a whole pain attack just because I had a session coming up in 30 minutes, and I just got a shot of pain and was thrown into a whole episode just from that.
I've had a tough year since breaking out of my whole back pain tms saga. Everything was great for some time. Then I stopped taking care of myself . I got in and out of 2 relationships in which i couldn't really understand what I was doing. I was giving way too much, couldn't draw any kind of boundaries and lost myself completely and was giving into the other person's emotions completely. I have since decided that this is just not for me right now and it's becoming more of an escape or an ideal thing to have rather than something I want or something I have the capacity for. During this period I had some really bad anxiety, would wake up super anxious but I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do or what was even happening.
Exercising became just pushing myself and one fine day I think my body had enough and my left shoulder blew up while doing pullups.
Since then its been really tough. A lot of pain and fear. I faced a lot of it and to top it all of in the last year I did something to hurt an old friend of mine, who's been close to me for a long time. So amid all of this pain it became clear to me that the path I had to take was to come clean to him. He ended up not wanting to continue speaking to me and has not spoken to me since. The whole process was really scary and I had a few tough conversations which were really hard and emotional for me.
Not that I could feel many things, my body and mind went kind of numb.
Anyways I got onto some ayurvedic medicine for a bit and it helped me lower my anxiety levels and its been a lot better. I started a new job at a school and somehow have managed to pull through the first month despite having so many pain attacks and discomfort. I couldn't eat, my appetite was non existent, my stomach would keep going out and i was waking up anxious every day. The new job added to the anxiety and I was and am still finding it tough to grow into my role and get used to so many new things at once. It's been crazy.
It's a whole lot better now. My appetite has come back, I'm eating again and I'm being a lot kinder to myself.
It's crazy. I never thought that all of this could come back again so strongly. It's like my body has its own mind, and its so scared. Any conflict, any tough situation and its on again and the triggers are back.
Just wanted to share. It's really been throwing me into holes again and again and again and im so tired and so exhausted each time it comes and knocks me down. Each week has been better and its been a month of work now but damn in the moment i feel so down and i can feel all this emotion and energy trapped in my body and it can't escape and im so tired of it.
I really want to play again properly and trust my body fully but its been really tough. I've been playing a little bit with the kids in school which helps me cope day to day. Somedays it can make things worse but its nice that I have that. I just miss what I had and I feel like I've learned much more this time around. Super tired though. Trying to be patient with my body and mind and giving it the time it needs to realise its safe and can take the handrake off.
Sadly I am back and not for good reasons. Been struggling again pretty badly with a new symptom which is refusing to go away and keeps getting triggered by stress or emotions or just situations in general that overwhelm me and cause my brain to kind of lose it and then it pours all that into my left shoulder and its been a really rough time since February or so of this year.
Lots of the things I did last time aren't really helping me and i went through a lot of pain and inability to use my left arm for a long time. It's gotten a whole lot better now and it actually took me a while to register again that hey this isn't something physical and its TMS again.
But even then, just having that awareness hasn't been able to make the pain go away which has been quite frustrating and sad for me. I haven't been able to do talk therapy either because just getting into my thoughts and using my brain has been so overwhelming and difficult. Once I had a whole pain attack just because I had a session coming up in 30 minutes, and I just got a shot of pain and was thrown into a whole episode just from that.
I've had a tough year since breaking out of my whole back pain tms saga. Everything was great for some time. Then I stopped taking care of myself . I got in and out of 2 relationships in which i couldn't really understand what I was doing. I was giving way too much, couldn't draw any kind of boundaries and lost myself completely and was giving into the other person's emotions completely. I have since decided that this is just not for me right now and it's becoming more of an escape or an ideal thing to have rather than something I want or something I have the capacity for. During this period I had some really bad anxiety, would wake up super anxious but I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do or what was even happening.
Exercising became just pushing myself and one fine day I think my body had enough and my left shoulder blew up while doing pullups.
Since then its been really tough. A lot of pain and fear. I faced a lot of it and to top it all of in the last year I did something to hurt an old friend of mine, who's been close to me for a long time. So amid all of this pain it became clear to me that the path I had to take was to come clean to him. He ended up not wanting to continue speaking to me and has not spoken to me since. The whole process was really scary and I had a few tough conversations which were really hard and emotional for me.
Not that I could feel many things, my body and mind went kind of numb.
Anyways I got onto some ayurvedic medicine for a bit and it helped me lower my anxiety levels and its been a lot better. I started a new job at a school and somehow have managed to pull through the first month despite having so many pain attacks and discomfort. I couldn't eat, my appetite was non existent, my stomach would keep going out and i was waking up anxious every day. The new job added to the anxiety and I was and am still finding it tough to grow into my role and get used to so many new things at once. It's been crazy.
It's a whole lot better now. My appetite has come back, I'm eating again and I'm being a lot kinder to myself.
It's crazy. I never thought that all of this could come back again so strongly. It's like my body has its own mind, and its so scared. Any conflict, any tough situation and its on again and the triggers are back.
Just wanted to share. It's really been throwing me into holes again and again and again and im so tired and so exhausted each time it comes and knocks me down. Each week has been better and its been a month of work now but damn in the moment i feel so down and i can feel all this emotion and energy trapped in my body and it can't escape and im so tired of it.
I really want to play again properly and trust my body fully but its been really tough. I've been playing a little bit with the kids in school which helps me cope day to day. Somedays it can make things worse but its nice that I have that. I just miss what I had and I feel like I've learned much more this time around. Super tired though. Trying to be patient with my body and mind and giving it the time it needs to realise its safe and can take the handrake off.
