Day 34 TMS frustrations

[invincible]

Hi,

It's been a while. I thought this was the perfect topic for me to post again because my frustrations with TMS are really about, damn do i really gotta take this time from my day to be writing this stuff, what a waste, this is silly and not necessary. so really im seeing the 'questions to ponder over' section as an extra thing i dont really need to do because i guess im just annoyed at some core level that this work is good for me and i need to do it.

maybe it's also a good thing because i dont want to be too occupied and doing the work too intensely, working the program too hard as Forrest says.
but i do feel im falling marginally onto the not really giving it enough time spectrum of things.
would love some thoughts on this. did everyone engage with the forum all through the SEP?
did you go thru some ups and downs in terms of how often you posted?
i guess i feel slightly guilty for not posting as often, but meh its not so bad either, i think ive just been enjoying being out in the world and doing my thing so it feels frustrating to be giving more time than the bare minimum required for journaling.

to connect this frustration with a personality trait hmmm
maybe impatience? perfection?
i do struggle with slowing down and knowing that things take time to happen
like i want things to happen NOW
scared of making mistakes, always want to be occupied, always adding the next thing to an already eventful day, it never stops, it never slows down
im wasting time, i need to do more, its not enough, next thing, next thing
i cant stop, what if i fail, i have to do more, what about that, oh i havent given that enough time this day or week
it's quite tiring
it's a lot better and i've figured out where this need to do more comes from, its the most TMSy thing ever

my therapist told me to observe this week and how it goes and jot down what im actually doing on a day to day basis. gonna do that and update here next week.
also watched half this video that pretty much covers why my generation is facing an uphill battle. watching this makes me feel like tms is going to be very very relevant with the new gen.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Heh, @invincible, that's a long interview, but within the first few minutes this author and neurologist (? I think?) answered my burning question which is, WHEN did things start to really change? I was not surprised to hear him state that it was around 2014 or so, because that's been my sense, but I was dealing with a lot of close personal trauma within a twenty-month period that spanned 2012 to 2014 (three deaths, two of them under age 60), and when I emerged it was into a world culture that seemed to have changed quite radically - and quite negatively. But I couldn't base that sense on anything substantive - it was pure gut instinct.

I'm the one who is always saying that we must acknowledge the effect that world dysfunction and technology overload have on our mental and physical health, but although I felt like it started well before 2020, I wasn't able to say this with any authority until 2020 happened. So that was really interesting, and confirming, to hear him state that the change really did occur very quickly, and that it was around 2014 or maybe a little earlier.

The uptick in self-reported and severe TMS symptoms amongst younger (sometimes much younger) individuals the last few years is obvious to anyone who's been around here for a while. And that's just from the ones who find this resource and are open enough to it that they start participating, so it's the tip of the iceberg.

 

[Cactusflower]

I lurked around for 6 months before posting. I was not in a good mindset to post, and have things make any sense since it was all anxiety. I probably only made one post to the SEP forum at all, I just did the work. Resistance is all part of the deal, as is feeling like you are not doing the work "well" or "correctly" for some people. It's all anxiety, perfectionism etc. and the SEP helps you begin to get an idea of how to sort through all that. I kept working through it after doing the SEP then I did the SEP for a 2nd time and did it very slow - I took twice the time to work through it. The little extras at the bottom of each day I used as a journaling topic the day after each assigned day. It really helped so much.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

maybe it's also a good thing because i dont want to be too occupied and doing the work too intensely, working the program too hard as Forrest says.
but i do feel im falling marginally onto the not really giving it enough time spectrum of things.
would love some thoughts on this. did everyone engage with the forum all through the SEP?
did you go thru some ups and downs in terms of how often you posted?

Everyone's journey is different. I know you've read this before!

I immediately started posting to the forum when I did the SEP back in 2011 (exactly 13 years ago, in fact) and although I've taken plenty of breaks especially before retirement and due to family commitments, I kept it up for many years, especially after retirement. However - my big dark secret is that I didn't get through more than the first couple weeks of the SEP. I took the teachings of Claire Weeks and Gabor Mate to heart, I got a LOT out of the two audio webinars that Alan Gordon did for us in 2012 (they are linked in my list of profile resources) along with a number of other resources (the audio program Meditations To Change Your Brain, for example). And I kept up with the emotional writing as needed - which goes up and down depending on what's going on. Within the first year I was able to self-talk and write my way out of flares very quickly, for a long time. I suffered "the big setback" in 2020 in a story I've told multiple times and which did have pandemic-related aspects to multiple sources of extreme stress in a short period of time. But I used my skills and faith in the process to accept the diagnosis of RA, agree to take the medication, and find my way back to some kind of equanimity (considering the times). I still go back to the writing to tease out the latest source of stress that my primitive (aka stupid) TMS brain turns into a repressed source of emotional distress. Acknowledgement and acceptance are still my personal keys to moving on and getting on with life.

 

[Diana-M]

next thing, next thing
i cant stop, what if i fail, i have to do more, what about that, oh i havent given that enough time this day or week
it's quite tiring

I have this problem too! I started saying that every goal I make in my head—every demand I put on myself— I have to do only 1/4 of it. And even then, I noticed still it’s too much. So now, I cut it down even more. It’s like you have to somehow see yourself from the outside yourself, and recognize the ridiculous amount of pressure you put on yourself.

 

[Diana-M]

did the SEP for a 2nd time and did it very slow

Acknowledgement and acceptance are still my personal keys to moving on and getting on with life.

Great tips!

 

[invincible]

thanks guys this is all super helpful and reassuring @JanAtheCPA @Cactusflower @Diana-M