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TMS flare when starting a new/good relationship?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Melissa E, Mar 12, 2018.

  1. Melissa E

    Melissa E New Member

    Hello all --

    I was hoping to get some insight on whether TMS flare in a new relationship can happen. I've struggled with TMS since I was 21, primarily taking the form of vulvar/genital pain after being in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship. I left that relationship after a few years and have had mostly pain free days in the last several years with the exception of during one relationship two years ago that was really unhealthy for me, where I had daily pain for about a year. I ended that relationship and went into a new one this last year and had the most consistent pain free days. I moved out of state and ended that relationship due to distance.

    I started dating someone in my new state who is probably the most kind and loving man I've ever met. However, as we've been dating, I noticed my vulvar/genital pain which had been gone for almost a year start to creep back. We've been dating a couple of months now and the pain is excruciating, more painful I think than it's been ever - maybe at least since it first started. It's so confusing to me though because the only other times my pain is been this awful was in unhealthy/abusive relationships and it's making me so sad because this guy is absolutely amazing and I don't understand why the pain is so bad. It's led me to actually break things off with him until I can figure out what is going on.

    While I'm trying to work on this from a TMS standpoint, I'm having my doubts because I only had pain in previous relationships when they were unhealthy for me, and so it doesn't make any sense I would have MORE pain with someone who is actually amazing to me and treats me really well.

    There's alot more detail I could go into, but I'm curious if anyone else has experienced TMS flares/resurgence of pain when things are actually going well? I thought TMS comes up when there's buried stress/anger/negative emotions - not when there is something good going on in your life?
    rumble1445 likes this.
  2. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Any change in life is a possible TMS trigger. This is all in HBP.

    "I only had pain in previous relationships when they were unhealthy for me,"
    That line sounds sort of God-like. How do I know what's good for me? How many Successful relationships have you had?

    I am 52 and I am at a grand total of ....zero, or else I would still be in them, right?

    "I thought TMS comes up when there's buried stress/anger/negative emotions - not when there is something good going on in your life?".... Go back and read Sarno's work.... And Tennis tom has a link to a stress scale...'positive' and 'negative' are just short sighted human judgement. All change puts stress on us, some more than others.

    That's where TMS kicks in.... to distract me from my emotions and keep me 'stable'
    Tennis Tom, Time2be, plum and 2 others like this.
  3. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Maybe this video will lend some insights. It's by Layla Martin who is a sexual healer extraordinaire. Her work is incredibly compassionate and empowering and in this vlog she describes how she recovered from vulvodynia. It covers the release of tension and rage so it totally relates to TMS healing.

  4. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    Melissa E, this is really tricky! Because: is it yourself causing the pain (triggered by the excitement and uncertainty of a beginning relationship) or: are you sensing something fishy with this man, although he is .. or seems to be the most caring and nice man you ever met. Sorry, I don’t want to sound or make you paranoid, but based on your experience I think it makes sense to look at him. So, before you start to explore yourself, look at this man and your intuitions. If you then still think he is the wonderful man you fell in love with, then Baseball65 is right. Also positive events can trigger TMS. For me usually these positive events are mixed with doubts about myself. Am I good enough ... doubts of this kind.
    Hope you figure it out! It’s so wonderful to have found someone to be in love with!

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