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TMS as a Helper?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Miss Metta, Sep 9, 2019.

  1. Miss Metta

    Miss Metta Peer Supporter

    TMS as a helper?

    I am not new to TMS but this one's got me scratching my head.

    A bit over a month ago I was to deliver a painting to a friend/client. I had been fretting on it because I didn't really like the painting, I was disappointed in how it had turned out.
    So I had waffled on and procrastinated about it. Even though other people said the painting was good, I wasn't happy. Artists are never happy 100% with their work, but this one I didn't feel was worth the price we
    had agreed on. I really didn't want to deliver but didn't want to do it again, either. I had struggled too much with it, I just wanted to hand it over and move on, except I didn't.

    The morning of the appointment to drop it off, you can guess what happened. I came down with excruciating lower stomach pain. I blamed it on eating too much cauliflower the night before (I had eaten a lot of it)
    but I'm used to vegetables so that shouldn't have been a cause, yet I had been a bit of a glutton (I love baked cauliflower because it's sweet and can eat a lot of it). I was sure it was TMS but was in too much pain. I cancelled and rescheduled our appointment.
    You can guess what happened next. Over the next hour, the pain subsided. I thought, "Aha, gotcha, TMS" and felt ashamed for cancelling the appointment. But also relieved. However, there was no way I was getting out of it, I HAD to deliver that painting at some point.
    Anyway the pain continued on and off over the next few days, and because I'd also noticed a few pin prick spots of blood on toilet paper, I thought best to see the doctor,
    which I did. Doctors take blood coming out of orifices when it shouldn't be seriously, so a colonoscopy was arranged.
    I couldn't help thinking this was all TMS. Still, I'm over 50, haven't had a colonscopy in 5 years and was due anyway, and I can't fake blood.
    So I had the colonoscopy.
    Two things happened.
    The first is that the specialist found bowel polyps which he removed.
    The second is that during the procedure, I contracted aspirational pneumonia. Being under anesthetic, somehow fluid like my own saliva got into my lungs.
    I was very sick. The specialist said 1 in 5,000 who have a procedure will develop it.
    So I was a statistic.
    Or was I?

    My question is this: by developing all this lower belly pain (which, incidentally, has not returned since the colonscopy), could TMS symptoms be used as an alert? Could
    my subconscious mind use the symptoms to get me to have a colonscopy because it 'knows' there are polyps and these need to be removed? So, could this have been working for good?

    My second question is, is my contracting pneumonia a statistical phenomenon or TMS? I can say that it has completely flattened and wiped me out and I cannot do as much as I could before
    without getting fatigued.
    This is going to sound weird but in some ways, when I was at my sickest (fortunately didn't have to go to hospital), I was so foggy and fatigued that I couldn't think or do much,I almost liked it.

    When I started to get better, all the lights behind my eyes came back on again and all my usual anxieties came up. When I was really sick all I was focusing on was survival, how to get up and out of bed and feed my animals, myself and my husband. The basics. And I couldn't help thinking later on that pneumonia was serving me in some way.
    I am getting better slowly, which with pneumonia I believe is normal, but reluctant to exercise as when I try, I just get fatigued.

    Being bed-ridden I have managed to get a bit of art done, (a benefit to this) and although I'm up and around, I'm finding that I'm still retreating to my bed often with a book or computer, just for the comfort
    and so I can nap, which feels like slacking off to me, but it also feels necessary. I'm also feeling it unless I get to bed at 9.30 pm which most nights is impossible.
    I don't have children but I have some unwell animals who require a lot of care at the moment and this is taking it's toll as I just don't have the reserves of strength.
    I'm fortunate in that I don't have to work. I do do some pet sitting but pneumonia has made that really fatiguing, causing me to rethink what I want to do long term as going out and visiting the clients is just exhausting. In many respects I'm luckier than many who get this illness and I know it.

    Anyway, just wondering, could my brain use symptoms to get me to have the colonoscopy?
    Is pneumonia and the fact that I was the statistic, TMS? (I should note here that in my life I have contracted several rare, statistically improbable diseases which, viewed through the TMS lens
    seems to me a bit sinister). or is just pure bad luck?
    all thoughts appreciated
    Miss Metta

    PS I delivered the painting and she loved it and I requested less than what we'd agreed on to make up for my tardiness but still not pleased with the whole thing
  2. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Whew, @Miss Metta, that's quite a saga. I wish I could help definitively answer your questions. That being said,
    I guess I wouldn't rule this out. I mean, stranger things have happened, right?

    Really good questions. Not that I'm willing to commit to answering them, because you're suggesting something that is too radical for most people to accept. But I wouldn't rule it out, either.

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