TMJ Out of Control

[eightball776]

You could say I've had "TMJ" since adolescence. I started grinding my teeth at a young age, had retainers (that frequently disappeared), and it's never really gotten better. I just sort of got used to my jaw separating & clicking whenever I open my mouth past a certain point. Over the years it's gotten better & worse, but that point of separation has never changed. I have a ton of unaffordable dental work I need now, and every procedure is a misery. I gave up eating anything that requires a lot of chewing; just not worth it.

I know I'm clenching my jaw, I know it is TMS, because there's simply nothing else it can be, but it has gotten really bad. My jaw hasn't ever hurt this badly. I'd say the amount of stress in my life right now is tremendous, and it's the kind that TMS loves. It's not your average "current" type of stress about money, career, relationships, or health ... it's more along the lines of what a failure I am because I have none of those things, and no confidence I ever will. It's a nearly constant, conscious inner monologue that is one part motivator and 9 parts punishment.

Unfortunately even with that "acceptance", and a long history of dealing with and understanding TMS, its just really worse than its ever been. I've even been in PT for it, which provides some moderate relief of symptoms, but it's flaring up now like it never has. It's never invaded my conscious mind like this before, where the whole distraction mechanism is really working well. How can I think about all of that deep, dark sh*t if my jaw is killing me, preventing me from gaining weight (which I desperately need to do). If it's that, or the shingles that hasn't healed after 2 months, the bowel obstructions & Hail Mary attempt at avoiding major surgery, the general body/muscle pain that comes with inactivity, and on and on and on. So yeah, I'm ripe for a TMS flareup right now. Hell, if I didn't have one now, I really wouldn't believe it exists.

The question now becomes how can I:
* consciously relax my jaw, even when I'm unconscious.
* do my PT exercises daily
* use what I've learned over decades from Dr. Sarno to banish it without exacerbating some other issue

I'm just doing what I usually do here ...aimless whining with the hope that putting it down on "paper" might help to get it out of my head a little.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Diana-M]

It's a nearly constant, conscious inner monologue that is one part motivator and 9 parts punishment.

Eightball! I feel you. So sorry your misery is flaring. You are aware that inner punishment is a huge cause of rage, right? Your TMS brain sees criticism from others and especially from yourself, as a threat. It causes a huge amount of stress. I can recommend a life-changing book that has helped me with this very thing. It’s called Feeling Good, by David Burns. It has really brought me relief from mentally abusing myself. I can’t say enough good things about this book.

Another random thought about your jaw—- I do this thing where I jut my jaw out sometimes. I realized it’s when I actually want to push someone away (like with my jaw) who is bothering me. Maybe your jaw can tell you what it’s mad about? Sounds crazy. But maybe ask it. No pun intended —but it seems like it wants to say something.

 

[Baseball65]

I've even been in PT for it, which provides some moderate relief of symptoms, but it's flaring up now like it never has.

Not to be a Bummer, but wouldn't that fall under Sarno's "You need to stop all physical treatment" ? It jumped out at me as I read the post. I have had TMJ as a symptom...when I was trapped watching my 88 yr old mom AND having terrible personal relationship issues.
It sucks..But I knew it was TMS because I had been warned via Sarno's Books and this forum. I never sought any medical help..I just kept reading and doing the work uncovering rage makers. TMJ and other 'phantom tooth issues' are all regulated by the trigeminal Nerve..and Sarno himself had this pain.

You can aimlessly whine to us and we will sympathize, cuz it sucks, but that's not dealing with repressed anger.
My Non existent relationship with Mom.
My Alcoholic Hypergamous GF.
My Sons' poor mate choices.
My less than challenging job.
The Dog I love but got stuck with....

Those are more likely to be of help to you....and anything else in the room..Immediate family, partners...whoever you think you get along with fine? Make sure they are on the list

 

[eightball776]

Eightball! I feel you. So sorry your misery is flaring. You are aware that inner punishment is a huge cause of rage, right? Your TMS brain sees criticism from others and especially from yourself, as a threat. It causes a huge amount of stress. I can recommend a life-changing book that has helped me with this very thing. It’s called Feeling Good, by David Burns. It has really brought me relief from mentally abusing myself. I can’t say enough good things about this book.

Another random thought about your jaw—- I do this thing where I jut my jaw out sometimes. I realized it’s when I actually want to push someone away (like with my jaw) who is bothering me. Maybe your jaw can tell you what it’s mad about? Sounds crazy. But maybe ask it. No pun intended —but it seems like it wants to say something.

Funny you mention that book. It's been collecting dust in a drawer for several years now. I am struggling so much to read anything. I just can't seem to focus. All I do is fuel that rage with self-punishment, and the more time that goes by, the more I punish myself for being so far away from what I want from life and how increasingly insurmountable these hurdles have become. The TMJ has been going on since adolescence, and my dental health has become a total disaster...financially too. It is nearly impossible to treat medically, and just goes from tolerable to terrible when the tension is at its worst. Every muscle in my body stays tight...even my pelvic floor now. I am well aware of the modalities that improve this - the diaphragmatic breathing, the reading, the journaling, the exercise, etc. And guess what I do? NONE of it. Night after night, every self destructive habit continues, and I am stuck in the "I'll start tomorrow" loop. I just don't understand my own mind & why I just keep allowing this to go on. Well, not all of it is within my control, but I'll never break out of the depression until I'm doing everything I possibly can to improve the things I can control. I feel like a Nobel prize-winning mathematician who forgot how to add. I've been down this rabbit hole so many times before I should know how to climb out by now. It's all of the things at once -

• Career imploded - like it's over, and I have to reinvent myself professionally at 50 - so finances are a wreck
• Haven't tried to date in a decade & gave up
• Healthcare has become my full-time job (and have to contend with constant judgement by friends & family who don't understand how someone so smart & hard working (and who "looks" healthy) can be unemployed for so long
• Too weak to engage in any of the things I loved to do
• Lost way too many friends to death, distance, and unknown reasons, & moving closer to my family seems impossible & like I'm determined to wait until they are gone before I decide to do it

And on and on...but mostly what keeps me here is just anger at myself for allowing it. That is the root of everything, oh yeah, and the constant regret - the filmstrip of every missed opportunity. Sigh. I can write about it & talk about it until I'm blue in the face, but I can't get my ass in gear because it just gets overwhelming, and I can't focus on any one direction.

 

[Diana-M]

Hey, @eightball776

I hear your pain. Horrendous. And I’m sorry to hear it. It seems hopeless but it’s not.

I’m having trouble reading lately, and I listen to books instead. Feeling Good is a life-changer. And Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes is a close second. She explains a lot. It will all make sense.

 

[Joulegirl]

It also sounds like your TMS is blocking you from doing the work by increasing the pain. I've experienced that as well in this journey. It is so disheartening! You just have to override it-and you can do it! Take baby steps if you need to. Maybe start out at 5mins whether that is meditation, journaling, or reading a book on TMS. I don't know about you but my brain has so much chatter and you just have to speak louder to it. And you have to just start even when your brain is screaming at you to stop. I'm sorry you are at this point where it feels so like it is impossible. It's a hard place to be and it's good that you came on here to talk about it.

 

[eightball776]

It also sounds like your TMS is blocking you from doing the work by increasing the pain. I've experienced that as well in this journey. It is so disheartening! You just have to override it-and you can do it! Take baby steps if you need to. Maybe start out at 5mins whether that is meditation, journaling, or reading a book on TMS. I don't know about you but my brain has so much chatter and you just have to speak louder to it. And you have to just start even when your brain is screaming at you to stop. I'm sorry you are at this point where it feels so like it is impossible. It's a hard place to be and it's good that you came on here to talk about it.

You're right, right, right. I've struggled to get to this obvious mindset ... one I advise others to adopt even ... because I'm stuck in this "all or nothing" mentality where if I can't go back to working out 6 days/week & start conquering mountains in days, it's not worth trying at all. There's self sabotage, low self-esteem for the first time, and a midlife crisis rolled into one. Give me a solution, I'll counter with a problem. I'm trying ketamine infusions to zap my brain into submission. It actually works but the effects are short-lived. I'm terrified of antidepressants, but this one just feels like it can't be done without something to counter the chemistry set that's been destroying my endocrine system for years.

 

[Diana-M]

@eightball776
Get this book: Feeling Good by David Burns. He teaches you how to change your mindset and get out of depression, even better than antidepressants. It will get you unstuck.

 

[eightball776]

@eightball776
Get this book: Feeling Good by David Burns, MD. He teaches you how to change your mindset and get out of depression, even better than antidepressants. It will get you unstuck.

That is one I actually bought... Over the last couple of years, I have purchased & borrowed dozens of books I never read. I actually donated boxes of them I knew I'd never get to. I just don't read anymore. My vision has declined at least 50% over the last year & I still can't seem to get glasses made right...I think that with the ADD have made reading just .. difficult. The last one I "tried" to read was "Unf*ck yourself - Get out of your head & into your life". That one seemed to be on target. I feel like I need a direct, no nonsense approach. Those around me want to let me off the hook & blame my perceived failures on chronic illness. I can't. Despite that illness I've busted ass for 30 years, got an advanced degree, and wound up broke, unemployed and with no career. The illness threw me off track a few times, maybe forced me to stay at lesser jobs for the insurance or easy work... but it was mostly a combination of epic bad luck and poor decision making that brought me to 50 with no job, money, or prospects...and no more ambition. I'm also still in a place where drugs that really mess with your emotions are probably still leaving my body & it will take a few more months before things stabilize - assuming I can stay off of them. The challenge is when you go back on steroids & opioids, then drop them, then back on them, etc., mood stabilization is not easy. I think it may be time to spend a whole lot less time and energy with doctors that don't help me.

 

[Diana-M]

I think it may be time to spend a whole lot less time and energy with doctors that don't help me.

Yes! And stop making excuses for yourself. You’ve had a bad time. Some bad luck. Some long-term TMS. Most of us have some pretty grizzly tales to tell. TMSers are a tough breed. Your life is far from over. As soon as you decide you want to pick yourself up, you will. It doesn’t have to do with anything else, but you. You can never get better in the victim mode. Set your sites on what you can become and take little steps to get there. You’ve obviously accomplished a lot in your life —you know how to do it. Right now, you’re your own worst enemy. You have to decide if you deserve to have a life or not; you have to love yourself. I say this with compassion because this has been my exact same problem. That book that I keep encouraging you to read…(which you can get an audio version of, by the way)… has drastically changed my life for the better. It’s the best thing I have to offer you. And I’ve been on this forum for a year working every day to figure out what’s the best way to get out of this hole. I’m giving you a shortcut. But you have to do what the author says; you have to do your homework. If you really really want to get better, you would look into it. Peace!
.

 

[eightball776]

I went to the TMJ specialist today. $453 for consult & X-rays. I really screwed up. Had I known that basically their only treatment was another appliance, I wouldn't have done it. They want to make me two, each for $1800. I've had so many before, none worked at all, I can't see these ridiculously priced versions to be a magic bullet. I know it's TMS, but that's not stopping it from destroying my teeth, so I need to do something, I just can't figure out what.

 

[eightball776]

Yes! And stop making excuses for yourself. You’ve had a bad time. Some bad luck. Some long-term TMS. Most of us have some pretty grizzly tales to tell. TMSers are a tough breed. Your life is far from over. As soon as you decide you want to pick yourself up, you will. It doesn’t have to do with anything else, but you. You can never get better in the victim mode. Set your sites on what you can become and take little steps to get there. You’ve obviously accomplished a lot in your life —you know how to do it. Right now, you’re your own worst enemy. You have to decide if you deserve to have a life or not; you have to love yourself. I say this with compassion because this has been my exact same problem. That book that I keep encouraging you to read…(which you can get an audio version of, by the way)… has drastically changed my life for the better. It’s the best thing I have to offer you. And I’ve been on this forum for a year working every day to figure out what’s the best way to get out of this hole. I’m giving you a shortcut. But you have to do what the author says; you have to do your homework. If you really really want to get better, you would look into it. Peace!
.

It doesn't feel like it's all that far from over. Probably because of the number of hospitalizations these last 2 years, all of the friends I've lost to much more serious illness, and what my body feels like in general. I'm a 50 year old in an 80 year-old's body. I have plenty of excuses, which will continue until there's a glimpse of even a small part of a solution. I've worked hard, spent a lot of time trying to accomplish goals, but came up short in every category, so it's hard for me to feel like I've accomplished anything. Maybe it was a lot for someone who was sick. That would mean being "kind to myself", but I've always used my self-criticism to fuel ambition. It was almost a tool. Yet now that the ambition can't be fuel, and is all gone, it is twisting me up from the inside out. It's like I'm constantly grieving for the life that could have been rather than what it can be. I know all about where the problems are, what keeps me stuck, but it just doesn't seem to get me unstuck. A huge part of the problem is sleep hygiene & staying off of medications long enough for my body not to feel like crap without them, most notably Prednisone. That's a tough nut after being dependent on it for 40+ years, AND it being the root of so many of my problems over the course of my life....so I resent that, and the doctors who had no options at the time. If I can get real rest, I can exercise more, if I exercise more I can reclaim some energy, if I have more energy, I can focus better, if I can focus better I can be more productive, if I can be more productive I can attack some of these problems feeling like there's at least a shot at progress. Unfortunately in my case this time.. unlike 30 years ago when I saw Dr. Sarno, the problem can't be unlocked in my mind only. It must start with the body first this time.