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This is hard

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Ludmilla, Dec 15, 2020.

  1. Ludmilla

    Ludmilla Peer Supporter

    OK, I've posted a few times for support in these forums, I guess I'm seeking reassurance and that's not good... But on the same time it feels nice to share with others going or having gone through the same things, so...

    After experiencing a 1-week book cure for sciatica almost a year ago now, I became active again and felt like everything was possible. I still had IBS stuff and vulvodynia, but I was so full of hope and enthusiasm ! I took up climbing, hiking, running... The knee pain I've had for years after 15 minutes of running went away when I got mad at my brain for playing this old trick again. I felt really empowered.

    Then during last summer I started to have some flare-ups and it still hasn't stopped as of today. This week-end I hiked 40 km with pain in my low back and right leg. I'm proud to have done it anyway, but it's sooo frustrating. I talked to my friends and family about this TMS stuff and how good I felt, and now look at me. Same old thing again. Vulvodynia is worse too (I'm actually taking Lorraine Faehndrich' program for female pain, so we'll see). Only thing better is IBS but it's clearly because I stopped trying to be a vegetarian and started eating more protein and fats and less fiber, which irritates my gut.

    I don't know, I guess I'm just ranting there but this is so hard. It was like I had my life back after so many years and then it was taken away from me, it makes me want to cry. Doubts are creeping up more and more as a result, the structural diagnoses I received from doctors and osteopaths linger in the back of my mind (one leg shorter than the other, scoliosis... you know the drill). It's hard to describe but it's like I'm on the verge of turning this whole thing around, of finally being able to live my life as I was intended to, free from all the fear, the self-hate, the OCD... and then I don't. I don't know what more I can do. I had psychotherapy for some months, it helped a lot but I've stopped now as I didn't seem to get anything more in my last sessions. I try and ignore the pain, go on with my life, read some TMS stuff but not too much so as not to obsess over it. I'm fed up.
  2. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    Your fear brain will always try to pull you back into the preoccupation with symptoms. Don't buy into it! You know how this all works, you have proven that to yourself with your spectacular previous recoveries. This is just a hiccup, pay it no attention and instead look more closely within and address any life issues that are causing an imbalance. You can do this!
    Ellen likes this.
  3. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Most of the time when I am off track e.g. I get a tickle of a new symptom, I get lost in that little grouping of words. "My Life".

    The divide that creates my need for a distraction (and pain) is the idea that, here's ME and there's MY LIFE over there where I can't get because of all of these damn distractions....TMS, being out of shape, Not having enough Money, Issues in personal relationships.
    Part of the 'quieting' which helps me get back on track is...regardless of how much I don't like it, or it wouldn't be my first choice, what is going on IS life. There is no 'My life'..just the experience I am having and my commentary about it. JUst Life. No 'My'.

    I am going through a period right now that hasn't been particularly fun. I've been directed by circumstance into having to be in charge of other people and their actions (and lack of) are driving me F-ing nuts. I remember my 'old life' and how I got to be rock star for 35 hours a week and take home a fat check and not have to worry about other peoples foibles. I had tons of personal time for guitar and baseball. I got a nap every afternoon. I miss that. But I am not getting any TMS symptoms because there is no division inside of me... I have full accepted that there is Just life, and this is what this particular part looks like for me.

    Most of my friends who have had the 'aha' book cure have had to return and go through their life a little more thoroughly at a later point. Sometimes just the knowledge of this being psychogenic is enough for people's symptoms to go away, but for permanent resolution and stability we need to dig a little deeper. No biggie. Just stop and look. It's there.

    If I was a german shepherd they would have shot me behind the barn a long time ago.I also once suffered from OCD and this is just 'ocd of the body'
    That is totally achievable, but ironically, it doesn't come from "living my life the way I want to" but from ceasing the "Kicking against the Goads"
    yes you can!
    Ellen likes this.

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