Thinking Psychological

I have reread Sarnos book again to help reaffirm my second round of TMS.

Another health scare stirred up this bout which has moved into my upper glutes and lower back. It only hurts to sit too long. I was able to run and do squats today without pain to test myself.

Sitting is all I can do with COVID on the weekends and I think it has latched on to that.

Thinking Psychological, do I need to try and determine what from my past is causing this bout? Around the time I was highly stressed from work, my mom and my dad were causing me issues. Then a real life health issue popped up.

Should I just be recognizing I was stressed and that is enough...that I have TMS pain in my back or do I need to unearth the anger that was trying to creep out of my subconscious? There are so many things for me it could be

 

yes. and why the way you are pre-disposed (ethics, beliefs) puts you in conflicts with others...what are you made of? Do you saqy what you really think or just 'go with the flow'? You are onto the right line of questioning

I'm not sure we ever could get it all out, seeing as it is repressed, but we can start to get inklings and shadows on the wall of our own disposition and how the situations we end up in create conflicts.

but ,yes.... anytime you catch yourself paying attention to the symptoms, start the questions to yourself. You'll be surpeised how soon that will re-wire you. Weeks....days...sometimes (after you've done it a minute) instantaneously!!

 

Visualise talking directly to your brain, the source of the pain. Tell it you know what it is doing and that you need it to STOP. You have done this before and you know what to do. I think it is great to go over recent stressful events and learn more about yourself from them and make any adjustments in your life accordingly, this will ensure a more long term recovery but talking to your brain in a convicted way with your TMS knowledge can be very effective in a timely symptom reduction.

 

I spent some time in bed this morning thinking through my whole life up to the current trigger back in December.

I grew up in a home that I thought was normal until I had a family of my own. My parents didn’t get along and neither were loving. There was pressure to be good at sports for my dad as he never was. In his mind he was doing good by making us athletic so we could be popular. I was really good but in a way it forced me into the popular group of which I was the poorest kid. I always get self conscious about my car, clothes and house.

my parents divorced when I was 12 and I lived with my dad. My mom has always loved drama and constantly put my dad down to me. She never told me she loves me, it’s always about her. So much so I made the decision to stop seeing her so my son wouldn’t be exposed to her. My dad has always been there for me financially and as a pal. He is messed up from his childhood so he isn’t emotional at all. The problem is I am an emotional person. His response to my TMS is I need to man up and get over it. If I don’t my wide will leave me he says.

my wife is a great person but I do resent things about her. She was really sweet and caring when we were first married but after 15 years she gets irritated easily. I use to be so care free in life and she is so up tight. She has GAD and instead of talking to me about her anxiety she closes up and sleeps. She gets annoyed with my TMS which is tough as I want to have support from her so I resent her more. She is a good hearted person though and I love her.

my job is high stress and was extremely taxing at the time my TMS popped up again. It coupled with my blood clot in September caused me to worry and stress which I believe was the trigger that caused my normal ability to repress my emotions to snap and then bleed out into TMS.

oh and COVID-19...... All that worry with my diabetes and blood clot issues. I have been secluded away since November which hasn’t helped.

so I am unsure what emotions to focus on most but maybe I just needed to start thinking emotional vs allowing the fear to keep spiraling. Even as I sit here on the couch this morning and feel the lower back pain and buttocks tingling like they are asleep it’s hard but to worry. I want it to go away. Do I just sit through the pain in my rear and back on the couch as it hurts?

 

Your danger signals are coming at you from all angles. Parallels in your own relationship with your parents failed relationship could be triggering deep fears of abandonment. Your need to be understood, loved and cared for as your authentic self is not being met but that may be as a result of communication issues between the two of you. In my own relationship we have realised the dramatic effects of triggering each other with deep seated unhealed wounds. We are attempting to heal these together with reflective conversations, validation and empathy. From a TMS perspective know that you are safe. The pain is harmless and you can set up a direct pathway to the source. Your brain. Tell it to STOP. You don't need its protection anymore, you are going to compassionately and lovingly take care of your emotions and feelings consciously.

 

I feel mentally exhausted with trying to figure it all out. Thanks everyone for all the support here! Today has been a rough morning. I woke up for some reason at 3:00am and could not get back to sleep.

This morning my back is sort as well as my glutes as I sit in my office chair. My rectum feels like I have pressure up into my groin. Pain wise they are not bad but just the sensation of pain is messing with my mind. I am nervous the pain might never go away. Classic TMS right?

I just want to document on a timeline and see if anyone can see anything of interest..Again, throughout this who timeline I have been seeking reassurance from family. Been to my Dr. and Urologist and neither said there was anything to worry about.

08/25/2020 - Diagnosed with a DVT in leg and High Blood Sugars
09/01/2020 - Found a genetic blood issue that causes increased clotting. Started Dieting and treadmill to reduce recurrence
11/01/2020 - Leg pain in DVT leg...told chronic leg pain is common after DVT. Worry started about leg
11/15/2020 - Worried about a knot on the back of my head
12/15/2020 - Rectum pain started, leg pain gone as well as head pain
12/20/2020 - Increased work out to running and incline walks on treadmill
12/20-2020 - Work stress increased, working late nights up through 12/31
01/05/2021 - Upper glute pain and numbness when sitting only, rectum pain persisted
01/15/2021 - Lower back pain started in conjunction with glue pain. Feels like I have sore knots in back