thinking about getting a job brought my pain back

W

Wolfgang

Peer Supporter
Today is a pretty tough day. It’s morning here now, but since last night, the pain has returned and I’ve been struggling.

I know exactly why it came back. Last night, while talking to a friend, I said, “Now that my body is getting better, I should start thinking about getting a job again.” It’s only been about three days since sitting stopped feeling painful. So I felt the urge to rush back into job preparation.

I need to get a job. I really want to find one before I turn 30. But I still don’t even know what kind of work is right for me. And the thought of failing, of trying and facing rejection—it’s terrifying. But if I don’t find a job soon, I’ll be considered too old to be hired as a new employee. I’m so scared. Of becoming useless. Of being a loser. Of my parents being disappointed in me. Of being disappointed in myself. Everything feels so frightening.

As I had these thoughts, the burning pain in my arm—like a real burn—came back. So did the deep aching in my legs, as if I’d overused them, and even the nerve pain in my thighs.

Maybe… I’m afraid of getting better. Because if I truly recover, then I’ll be expected to live by the same standards as everyone else—to work, to take risks, to succeed. As long as I’m sick, people treat me as an exception. But if I’m no longer in pain, they’ll start to judge me again. And maybe that fear is triggering the return of my symptoms as a defense mechanism.

I don’t know how to fix this. It’s so hard. The pressure to get a job soon and earn a normal living feels absolutely overwhelming.
 
@Wolfgang
don’t be afraid! it’s never too late to get a job. it’s never too late to start a career. And it’s scary for everybody! I stayed home with my kids and started a career at age 32– and I had a great career for 30 years. Anything is possible!

your brain wants you in a cage. You might have to trick it with baby steps. Like maybe first get a part-time job. And if you decide to do this try to do it with as little stress as possible. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have a perfect job. You can even fail and it will all be OK. you’re just putting way too much pressure on yourself!
 
Wolfgang said:
Maybe… I’m afraid of getting better. Because if I truly recover, then I’ll be expected to live by the same standards as everyone else—to work, to take risks, to succeed. As long as I’m sick, people treat me as an exception. But if I’m no longer in pain, they’ll start to judge me again. And maybe that fear is triggering the return of my symptoms as a defense mechanism.
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These are all good insights, @Wolfgang, and they are quite relevant to your future concerns.

BUT the question you really need to ask yourself is where did all of this fear and guilt and shame and uncertainty come from in the first place?

This is where you need to go. Long before you were old enough to have a job, you developed these negative associations and terror connected to achievement.

Examining this requires a combination of vulnerability, honesty, and self-compassion. It may require going back to a vision of yourself as much much younger, which can be very uncomfortable, or even frightening.

That's the best answer I can give you.
 
Diana-M said:
@Wolfgang
don’t be afraid! it’s never too late to get a job. it’s never too late to start a career. And it’s scary for everybody! I stayed home with my kids and started a career at age 32– and I had a great career for 30 years. Anything is possible!

your brain wants you in a cage. You might have to trick it with baby steps. Like maybe first get a part-time job. And if you decide to do this try to do it with as little stress as possible. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have a perfect job. You can even fail and it will all be OK. you’re just putting way too much pressure on yourself!
Click to expand...

Thank you so much. Your words are truly comforting. I'm grateful that my parents aren't pressuring me—but just as Diana said, I think I'm the one putting pressure on myself!
 
JanAtheCPA said:
These are all good insights, @Wolfgang, and they are quite relevant to your future concerns.

BUT the question you really need to ask yourself is where did all of this fear and guilt and shame and uncertainty come from in the first place?

This is where you need to go. Long before you were old enough to have a job, you developed these negative associations and terror connected to achievement.

Examining this requires a combination of vulnerability, honesty, and self-compassion. It may require going back to a vision of yourself as much much younger, which can be very uncomfortable, or even frightening.

That's the best answer I can give you.
Click to expand...

JanAtheCPA, after reading your comment and reflecting quietly, I realized that I’ve been carrying feelings of guilt and shame for a very long time. It would probably take pages to write everything down, but I think I’ll start journaling about it from today.
 
I didn't start my career until my kids were in middle school. You can always start over and find something to pursue. It might be hard as your brain is going to want to fight you. But all people with TMS are brave and strong and you can do it!
There is something to be said about the power of suggestion. There are times that I will wonder if "something(eating or physical activity)" I do might cause some symptoms and sure enough those symptoms pop up! Just thinking about it for me can make it worse too! I have had to just keep showing my body that I am safe and I can do ALL THE THINGS!
 
Wolfgang said:
Today is a pretty tough day. It’s morning here now, but since last night, the pain has returned and I’ve been struggling.

I know exactly why it came back. Last night, while talking to a friend, I said, “Now that my body is getting better, I should start thinking about getting a job again.” It’s only been about three days since sitting stopped feeling painful. So I felt the urge to rush back into job preparation.

I need to get a job. I really want to find one before I turn 30. But I still don’t even know what kind of work is right for me. And the thought of failing, of trying and facing rejection—it’s terrifying. But if I don’t find a job soon, I’ll be considered too old to be hired as a new employee. I’m so scared. Of becoming useless. Of being a loser. Of my parents being disappointed in me. Of being disappointed in myself. Everything feels so frightening.

As I had these thoughts, the burning pain in my arm—like a real burn—came back. So did the deep aching in my legs, as if I’d overused them, and even the nerve pain in my thighs.

Maybe… I’m afraid of getting better. Because if I truly recover, then I’ll be expected to live by the same standards as everyone else—to work, to take risks, to succeed. As long as I’m sick, people treat me as an exception. But if I’m no longer in pain, they’ll start to judge me again. And maybe that fear is triggering the return of my symptoms as a defense mechanism.

I don’t know how to fix this. It’s so hard. The pressure to get a job soon and earn a normal living feels absolutely overwhelming.
Click to expand...
Hi Wolfgang,

I’m new here and just read your post – it reminded me a lot of my own situation. I’m also at a point where my symptoms tend to get worse whenever I try to move closer to my career again. I don’t have a solution yet, but I just wanted to say that I really understand how that feels. Sometimes I find myself thinking, “I just want my old life back,” only to realize that the way I was living before – the pace, the pressure – may not have been sustainable. I try to see this physical resistance as something that might carry a message or a chance to better understand what I actually need.

One idea that came to mind: perhaps volunteering once a week could be helpful. It’s low-pressure, can offer a bit of structure, and gives space to explore what kind of work environment or social setting feels good to you – without the usual expectations around performance or productivity. Just an idea!

All the best,
Marie

P.S.: 30 is definitely not old! It sounds like you are quite hard on yourself – something I know I struggle with, too. I’ve read that self-compassion can be a really important part of recovery.
 
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