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Day 36 There is nothing to fear, but fear itself

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Rosebud, Jul 9, 2018.

  1. Rosebud

    Rosebud Peer Supporter

    I am having a hard time doing everything in the SEP, especially the journaling. Why? I'm doing a couple of other things, such as meditating and yoga and somatic tracking, and this brings up so many feelings and tears that I either really don't want to do the journaling (and then I don't), or I do it in a half-hearted, "safe" way. So I've given myself permission to skip the journaling for now. I do however really want to dedicate some time to TMS everyday, and when I do yoga or meditation or whatever, I very specifically try not to think about TMS and be all casual outcome independent and stuff. So, I check the forum, I do everyday's reading. It usually doesn't make me too emotional, I usually do learn something I didn't know, I find some motivation, it's all good. Right?

    Today, I read the Schubiner article about understanding and overcoming fear. (http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/understanding-and-overcoming-fear.182/ (Dr. Schubiner - Understanding and Overcoming Fear)) As I get to the part that begins with "Fear creates more fear", I utterly and completely lose it. I have a weird sensation in the upper part of my throat, and then that feeling fills my skull, except for where my brain is. So weird. And I feel intensely... something. I don't know what I feel. I'd say it's fear, but I don't feel in in my stomach at all, which is what I feel when I'm somewhere high enough to trigger my fear of heights. My heart starts pounding like crazy, my hands are shaking and I'm trembling. I'm deeply uncomfortable. At the same time, I'm not afraid. I'm really not afraid. I'm sitting on a chair, reading something on the internet, come on now. Then, of course, the inevitable tears. Always the tears, OMG, the neverending ocean of tears, the faucet that will not ever be turned off. I try to let it all wash over me, but man, it's hard, it's exhausting, it's deeply uncomfortable. But I sit with it, as they say. Eventually, the feelings do subside. They always do, and I know they always do.

    Everytime I'm calm enough to resume the reading, the next sentence hits me as being so utterly true and à propos, and bam, here's that weird feeling again. But I'm getting better at letting it be. It will go away. It does go away. And I really want to finish the article, I want to read how to deal with the fear (if that is what it is). It's literally going to take me hours, isn't it? But that's OK.
    Lizzy likes this.
  2. Gigi

    Gigi Well known member

    Welcome Rosebud. You sound as if you’re taking all sorts of healthy steps, from yoga and meditation to working the SEP. And sometimes powerful feelings arise.
    There is no race to complete the SEP, and there is no "right" way to do it. I had a hard time with the journaling aspect because I didn't feel that I was uncovering any new insights, but I did it as best I could.
    Do what works best for you. If the feelings become too intense, I think you’re response is great—remind yourself that you are safe, and wait for them to subside.

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