The TMS has returned

[jokeysmurf]

It's been a pretty long while since i have been on here to post. As of last Feb I started having tight squeezing at the base of my sternum. It came on at work during a very stressful week and it hasn't really left, it's gone down but it hasn't gone away completely. I'm doing the TMS work once again because I can tell there is fear associated with the pain. Some days I am confident this is just TMS again but other days not so much because I spat very light pink. This could be a coincidence since I am working on healing my gums, I have gingivitis. I am trying to resolve the gum issues and since I finally have a job with insurance I have been to the dentist for deep cleanings. Still it's a work in progress and I am trying to be diligent about it.

Neither symptoms happens at the same time always but sometimes they do. So this has me a bit worried. Anyway I am making an appointment with a GI to rule out anything gastric. Id rather deal with healing my gums and be able to take my mind off of the gastric issues and treat them like TMS.

7 years back I had an endoscopy, that found nothing, not even inflammation or irritation, which was wild because I had what felt to me like really intense pain and unbearable squeezing. I was sure it would be an ulcer but no, nothing.

Since I am not new to TMS I will list that there have been stressors for sure. New job and being reviewed for the position. I love the job, I am finally making a livable wage but as you know the pressure of work, and worry and etc that comes with performance evals. Second, I live in a fairly rural place now, and it can be isolating at times. The weather can make that worse. My wife struggles with being here at times and I feel guilty sometimes for bringing us to this place. The place isnt horrible she's just hasn't built community as fast as I have. Then there have been some deaths in the family over the span of a year, I would think that in itself would be TMS in the gas tank.

I feel like I need to relearn some things here.

 

[mrefreddyg]

Sorry that pain is arising again for you but I am glad that you have found your way back here.

It sounds like you have a great foundation for this and have identified some stressors - big ones in fact: new job, moving to a new place, performance evaluation, deaths in the family. These are all fuel for the TMS fire and it makes a lot of sense why a symptom would be arriving again.

Also, the fact it came on during a really stressful week is a great indicator of TMS - a recent symptom of mine came on during a silent retreat where I felt in fight/flight for the whole time. Took a while to be fully confident that it was TMS (I had to see a doctor friend who said it is fine) but once I did the pain dissipated pretty fast. I am happy to hear that you are going to a GI to rule stuff out - nothing better for the confidence and removal of doubt.

And the fact that you had nothing on an endoscopy 7 years ago for the same symptom also shouts out TMS - hello pain as a distraction from the raging inner conflict!

For the relearning process, I recommend diving back into the structured educational program - it is especially good for fear of symptoms which you mentioned here and is just overall a fantastic, free resource.

 

[BloodMoon]

As of last Feb I started having tight squeezing at the base of my sternum.

Does this occur after you've eaten a meal that contains fats (it can be hours afterwards)? If so, as part of your medical clearance before assuming for definite that it's TMS, I'd suggest considering having an ultrasound to see if you have gallstones, if you haven't already done so. The gallbladder can give this kind of tight squeezing feeling when it's pumping out bile (and therefore pressing against the stones) to digest fats in food. Gallstone pain is usually described as being on one's right hand side under the ribs, but my GP said that it's actually more often in the region of the base of the sternum which is where I get my gallstones discomfort and pain (squeezing etc).

I've had gallstones that seemingly started to 'grumble' since way back in 1998. I was offered surgery at that time, but by the time I'd got to the top of the waiting list (on our National Health Service; I'm a Brit) the symptoms had subsided, so I declined and I only had a couple of gallstone-like pain episodes over the years up until now. Of note is that some people have gallstones and never know it as they never have symptoms and never need surgery. And, of course, my symptoms back in 1998 may actually have been TMS and the gallstones just an 'incidental finding'.

(Now, however, after 27 years, the squeezing pain at the base of my sternum occurs after every time I eat a meal with moderate and sometimes even low fat content -- and my gallstone has gone from being just 10mm to 35mm and is lodged in the 'neck' area of my gallbladder like an ill fitting cork in a bottle -- so, unfortunately, I'm heading down the surgery route, as following a low fat diet no longer keeps my symptoms at bay.)

 

[Diana-M]

Welcome back, @jokeysmurf! It sounds like you have a good grip— It won’t take you long to get back in the swing of things. I think sometimes when we read other people‘s posts, we can see what might be the big stressor… where there might be a tricky place. TMS is caused by conflict. Think conflict. Living in a place where you want to live, but your wife doesn’t… That sounds like conflict. The death in the family will cause you anxiety and grief. Where is the conflict there? Anger at mortality? You could really do a lot of journaling and probably alleviate a lot of your symptoms, especially since you’re catching it while it’s happening. Just remember… your TMS brain thinks it’s DANGEROUS for you to feel your emotions. It wants to distract you from your feelings. And, it’s working! Go back to emotions. Your answer is there. Tell your brain that nothing you dig up will kill you, and start digging. You’ll get better. Don’t worry.

The tight squeezing you describe could be from Adrenaline-induced anxiety. It’s a common symptom. I highly recommend a short little life-saving book: Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by a Claire Weekes. You will probably see yourself on every page. It has helped me tremendously! I have read it a bunch of times. It works!

 

[jokeysmurf]

Thanks to all who replied. Something very strange happened the following two days. I was on a long drive to visit family and I had been having the intense and painful squeezing and gastritis type symptoms. This went on for hours and I thought maybe my morning coffee triggered it. As I drove on, i played some nostalgic music and my mind wondered. Then I had a realization, that the energy I was conveying internally was that of frailty and fear essentially. I realize that all of TMS has a fear component, but It had not dawned on me that I was embodying it in this particular way, in the way I felt toward myself, my body. I thought I was being cautious, but I was just doing things scared. I had been treating my internal state as a helicopter parent who was overly concerned about their poor baby. I decided to pretend to be brave, to have answers to things, to be, in my mind someone I would look to for guidance. I thought, lets play pretend like when I was a kid. In those days i could tied a bed sheet to my neck and pretend I was a super hero. I thought, lets just see what that would be like, to know or pretend in this case, that maybe all is fine, that everything is going to turn out ok and not worry about anything. Over the next couple hours I practiced embodying this other me, and worry thoughts and feelings started to shake their way out - literally I was trembling to some extent. After a while, I started to feel a bit warmer. Afterward my stomach softened and gave out a pleasant growl, like something just moved down in the right place - like the nice pleasant feeling after you eat something you love and feel good about it. I kept picturing myself being confident, I added sensations of sand beneath my toes - it always made me feel good, I pictured myself telling myself I was going to be fine and that it was all "bullshit" and that we just forget how strong we actually are.

I know it sounds a bit funny/cheesy how I was speaking to myself internally and its hard to convey the energy shift I had tapped into. But in two days, repeating this practice has given me tremendous relief. My pain is not 100% gone but I would say about 75-80% better. Sometimes it doesnt work, and I think it's because I am trying to produce and outcome with it. So it's tricky for me to not have a motive to get rid of pain but rather just shift into this energy. What is even more weird is that I have been having weird eye issues for almost 2 years on an off. In that moment as that warm feeling came over me after the trembling stuff passed, my vision has cleared up. All of the annoying floaters aren't even noticeable. The only other time I had this was when I was doing brain wave training, but it was short lived. I noticed then that I had been scowling and my face was all scrunched up and my shoulders were being held up. And I thought, wow all I had been doing this whole time is tensing up, literally bracing in a way for something, for pain. What if my stomach and hiatal pain is from bracing somehow? Expecting the worst, expecting pain, fearing so many things? Makes sense to me.

I guess, I want to sum up that until this feeling washed over me. I had been living with plenty of fear and worry. Not outwardly, but internally, energetically for a long time and for long moments. And I thought that by tuning into my internal state with concern, that it would bring relief. But I think that wasn't what I needed because concern turned into more worry and bracing. Ever since TMS showed up in my life some 7 years ago, I have been a worry wort. Before that I did throw caution to the wind and lived in the moment more so. I felt that my life had been shrinking over the years and although I did do things and try new things, I did them with fear and worry and didn't really get to enjoy all of them. So, I want to say that although it may sound silly, it was a huge eye opener to try and feel this other part of me simply by playing a little game of pretend.

I don't know if this is the right thing but i am going to keep doing it more so. There are a lot of TMS practices that I am remembering like Somatic tracking, journaling, corrective experiences, extinction burst etc. and they are all valuable to know and practice if needed. For me leaning into this thing has been helping a lot.

 

[Diana-M]

Thank you so much for this inspiring story! It captures the trap we are all in. And you found a way to change the fear into bravery. Great! I needed this story today. So glad you’re feeling better!

 

[Rabscuttle]

Great job Jokey! Of course it’s the right thing! You were so kind to yourself and you broke the fear loop. I’m no expert, but those two things are so so important. And I would imagine are some of the end goals of the journalling, and meditation, and somatic tracking, and all the other work that comprises this TMS/mind body space. Seconding what Diana says, this is SO inspiring. I feel like if there’s anything to take away from all this stuff, is that we need to be kind to ourselves. But for many, myself included, it is so foreign to us.

congrats on this progress, and now you have some great evidence for future bouts (hopefully there aren’t any)!

 

[jokeysmurf]

Update: Well, the progress has been a little up and down, but that still feels promising. I can feel at times, that when my symptoms ramp up, there is indeed an internal feeling of fear or apprehension. Sometimes its subtle sometimes it's a vague internal worry about whatever. A lot of times my symptoms just feel automatic, like a default. When I am able to convey safety and compassion I feel the symptoms ease. When I am deeply focused on something the symptoms either vanish or reduce greatly. When I am stressed the constriction increases drastically.

The default is that if I eat or drink anything there is always a ramping up of symptoms - which are mainly gastritis symptoms with the hiatal thing squeezing like hell. So I've been having to either eat and drink in small amounts and ease into it and also do things that convey safety, confidence etc. Like walking afterward, grounding, using images from my mind whatever it takes. Deep breathing has been helping also.

I will continue to journal, because I think it helps bring the subconscious fears and stressors to the forefront. It will bring awareness.

I am optimistic, more so than I was before.

 

[Diana-M]

So I've been having to either eat and drink in small amounts and ease into it

This same tactic works for me with my symptoms. I’m so glad you’re feeling hope!

 

[jokeysmurf]

Update: I did some of the exercises in the Pain Recovery Program and I followed along in the videos only I was imagining they were about stomach pain and like magic things were instantly better. I was overjoyed and I enjoyed pain free eating for the next few days. And I thought, I know I will be ready when it comes back and I was.

Fast-forward to last Friday the 29th. I went out and had a drink with some friends. I was feeling good. The next morning I wake up with pain in a new area. And now its a sharp electric quick stabbing cramp pain below my belly button. It just showed up and lasted all day and has been here until today. Is this symptom imperative? This new area honestly scares me for some reason, maybe because it's new and it feels different, maybe because all of this work just for it to move? I feel like I am chasing my tail here!

I journaled also and I highlighted that I do feel scared and alone after the recent deaths around me. When I was a child I had experienced something similar and that really seemed to upset me. I think it was just the uncertainty of things. Well, I can say that now things feel uncertain, inside.

Well, this is a rough one to be honest. I feel a bit frustrated about all this and the new location and I sort of feel a little lost on whether this is just symptom imperative. The only thing giving me hope is that is comes and goes and when I do somatic tracking; other parts of my body seem to feel pain as well during this, like someone lighting a switch on. I don't know if that is evidence or not. I would think so. It doesn't make sense that when I focus on observing the pain and just watch it that other parts of my body will begin to feel pain. Behind my neck, my calf, my chest, my right rib, and my lower back with flicker on and off for minutes to hours. The pain in the lower abdomen usually stays there but sometimes it goes.

Now after I eat, my entire digestive system goes crazy. I get bloating, gerd, then some other weird sensations, then burning, I mean this is checking all the boxes. I try and stay calm, it shifts and dies down then settles back to like 2-3 pain areas. This will last about 5 hrs or so.

I am able to sleep, but the moment I get up, the pain shows up.

I guess for now I will keep trying to be observant. The new type of pain and area is bumming me out though.

 

[mrefreddyg]

First of all, well done in doing the program and for the pain getting better! This is heartening to hear.

You have mentioned loads of great evidence that the new pain is TMS - waxing and waning, came on for no apparent reason, other parts of your body hurting. Classic TMS trying it's luck with the symptom imperative. To be clear: your message shouts out symptom imperative.

The whole point of the symptom imperative is that it is an attempt to scare you which it understandably has done and sent you back into having lots of symptoms. It sounds like your nervous system has gone back into a state of fight/flight.

However, even noticing that it has moved is actually great news, your pain is 'on the run' and it is a sign that the work you are putting in is working!! This shift in mindset can be liberating - new pain = best sign of recovery.

Whenever I have a new pain: I acknowledge that I am frightened, feel the fear, and somatic track the fear itself before moving onto the sensation itself. The reminder that feeling fear is safe allows me to calm down and then I can move my attention onto the sensations. By that point they normally have reduced anyway because I am not so afraid.

AND, I look at my life for any hidden stressors/emotions. Recently I have been having back pain that melts away as soon as I realise that I am deeply saddened by the feeling of being disconnected from people in my life. Once, I feel the sadness the pain loses it power and purpose and the ego stops fighting the "bad" feelings.

 

[Jimmy Todd]

As Dan Buglio advises, @jokeysmurf, send yourself messages of safety. I am trying to be cognizant of what I'm thinking when the pain returns and if there is any stressor arising, even ones we may not notice. I find that helps.

 

[jokeysmurf]

First of all, well done in doing the program and for the pain getting better! This is heartening to hear.

You have mentioned loads of great evidence that the new pain is TMS - waxing and waning, came on for no apparent reason, other parts of your body hurting. Classic TMS trying it's luck with the symptom imperative. To be clear: your message shouts out symptom imperative.

The whole point of the symptom imperative is that it is an attempt to scare you which it understandably has done and sent you back into having lots of symptoms. It sounds like your nervous system has gone back into a state of fight/flight.

However, even noticing that it has moved is actually great news, your pain is 'on the run' and it is a sign that the work you are putting in is working!! This shift in mindset can be liberating - new pain = best sign of recovery.

Whenever I have a new pain: I acknowledge that I am frightened, feel the fear, and somatic track the fear itself before moving onto the sensation itself. The reminder that feeling fear is safe allows me to calm down and then I can move my attention onto the sensations. By that point they normally have reduced anyway because I am not so afraid.

AND, I look at my life for any hidden stressors/emotions. Recently I have been having back pain that melts away as soon as I realise that I am deeply saddened by the feeling of being disconnected from people in my life. Once, I feel the sadness the pain loses it power and purpose and the ego stops fighting the "bad" feelings.

I spent sometime slowing this whole thing down. When the symptoms are there, I can feel a sense of urgency in my body. That is certainly fight or flight. This of course is a perceived threat, whether it's pressure from work, worrying about things that haven't happened, fearing the symptoms themselves etc.

Logically, it doesn't make sense that different parts of my body would feel tension and pain, simply by doing somatic tracking on the main area of pain unless it's all TMS. I can certainly wrap my mind around that. My body is still in disbelief, freaking out and protesting. Maybe I am approaching this with too much intensity and I should loosen this up. i can feel inside myself how fast I want to get rid of the pain, rather than helping my nervous system in feeling safe. It's basically a scared animal so I need to learn how to soothe that animal.

Thanks for the response. I need to be a little more patient. The neural pathways are pretty strong here with digestive issues, because it has succeeded for a long time in getting me to feel fear - which clearly I have normalized to some extent.