The Presence Process - Share Experiences & Ask Questions

[BruceMC]

Yeah, I just finished week 10 of the PP and it seems to me that the 15-minute breathing exercises with the "I-am-here-now-in-this" mantra is what really helps you get into present moment awareness. All the accompanying knowledge lectures are certainly spot on, but not central to the core process. Michael Brown has a lot of good things to say about getting out of your childhood drama and focusing on present moment awareness, but a lot of other people are saying the same things. The water immersions loosen you up and get you ready to get more out of the breathing exercises of course. Feeding your head with Michael Brown's wisdom keeps you paying attention to your breath during the training. You could do all this yourself without his help, but his book does provide a very good structure that holds your attention and keeps you working. It does seem to have sped up my TMS healing too although that was going on gradually for a long time before I ever picked up his book and started doing the breathing exercises.

 

[Boston Redsox]

Yeah, I just finished week 10 of the PP and it seems to me that the 15-minute breathing exercises with the "I-am-here-now-in-this" mantra is what really helps you get into present moment awareness. All the accompanying knowledge lectures are certainly spot on, but not central to the core process. Michael Brown has a lot of good things to say about getting out of your childhood drama and focusing on present moment awareness, but a lot of other people are saying the same things. The water immersions loosen you up and get you ready to get more out of the breathing exercises of course. Feeding your head with Michael Brown's wisdom keeps you paying attention to your breath during the training. You could do all this yourself without his help, but his book does provide a very good structure that holds your attention and keeps you working. It does seem to have sped up my TMS healing too although that was going on gradually for a long time before I ever picked up his book and started doing the breathing exercises.

I feel all those mantras make your mind wonder I find being quiet during the breathing gets me more grounded.

 

[Bogdan]

Guys, we learn and we learn everyday. We manage to stop smoking, to stop wanting other people to fill the void. At some point our bodies become old and die. In many texts I found that, after our bodies die ,all the information we gathered is also dismissed and if we come back all personal memories are somehow erased. M. Brown doesn't really talk much about the concept of soul. If every soul is unique and has it's own path (growth, journey) then, no matter how united all the souls are, when I say 'I', I can refer to just a fragment of this consciousness. If I am a distinct soul and have my own journey, then that means I can 'see' experientially another soul as something separate from me (and 'me' in this instance is 'my' soul). That already implies a separation. Of course there is a bigger 'I' according to this theory: the 'I' of all souls, which is probably our greatest purpose to realise. But since now I live in separation, how can I be aware of my own soul experientially? Is it all about closing my eyes, being still and feel whatever is there? Have you experienced your souls? .....how can a soul be defined? Even though I am looking for an understanding of the soul, I want to experience 'myself' as a distinct soul before I experience the oneness. Has anyone here experienced oneness or just the personal soul?

 

[BruceMC]

I feel all those mantras make your mind wonder [wander] I find being quiet during the breathing gets me more grounded.

In the latest edition of his book, the Relaxation Response, Dr. Herbert Benson asserts that the 'relaxation response' (in contrast to the mammalian fight-flight stress response) can be elicited by what he defines as "four essential components":

1. A quite environment
2. A mental device - a sound, word, phrase, or prayer repeated silently or aloud, or a fixed gaze at an object
3. A passive attitude - not worrying about how well one is performing the technique and simply putting aside distracting thoughts to return to one's focus
4. A comfortable position

So, Boston, it sounds as though you don't necessarily have to silently repeat Brown's mantra, "I-am-here-now-in-this", to enter into Presence; that is, if you can stay focused on your breath. I do think that repeating his mantra makes it more difficult for you to get caught up in distracting personal story-lines and/ or mental gossip.

Whatever works for you!

 

[Boston Redsox]

In the latest edition of his book, the Relaxation Response, Dr. Herbert Benson asserts that the 'relaxation response' (in contrast to the mammalian fight-flight stress response) can be elicited by what he defines as "four essential components":

1. A quite environment
2. A mental device - a sound, word, phrase, or prayer repeated silently or aloud, or a fixed gaze at an object
3. A passive attitude - not worrying about how well one is performing the technique and simply putting aside distracting thoughts to return to one's focus
4. A comfortable position

So, Boston, it sounds as though you don't necessarily have to silently repeat Brown's mantra, "I-am-here-now-in-this", to enter into Presence; that is, if you can stay focused on your breath. I do think that repeating his mantra makes it more difficult for you to get caught up in distracting personal story-lines and/ or mental gossip.

Whatever works for you!

Bruce.

I am glad you mentioned Dr Benson I am going to to is mind body clinic here in Boston to enter is program ( insurance pays for it). Anyway I will be starting the PP sometime before Xmas I want to finish the sep first. I been on the pp forum and chatted with some people they also express the same thi g abouts MB mantras.

 

[Boston Redsox]

hello anita

I also have foot balls of my feet mainly left with some burning sensation on shins and thighs, when I get it under control it will shift to my arms and face crazy stuff the sep helps along with mindfulness meditation, I just is physical so I am always on my feet and moving but it seems like if I challenge it the pain get worse.

 

[BrianC]

I found all the different weekly affirmations ridiculous. Why we could not do the breathing without those insane mantras

CONSCIOUS RESPONSES

Good to see new faces in the threat!

Yeah, I've never liked conscious responses either. But I figured I'd "surrender" to the process no matter what. As a result, I've found that I like the conscious responses now, because I now have an inner knowing as to what they're for, and I can use them when necessary.

From what I understand, here's what the conscious responses are for:

1. They're used to anchor our mind in the present moment, so it's not off wander in memories of the past or projected future scenarios/plans.

2. They align us with our authentic self. In other words, we're stating things that are true of our authentic self or that our authentic self would say.

3. When we think to say the conscious response, we remember to consciously connect our breathing for a few moments. When we remember to consciously connect our breathing, it reminds us to say our conscious response. Circular benefit.

4. They help condition us into those actions. If we get triggered by an incident, and we've been saying, "I recognize my reflections and projects," we are more likely to stop and think before we react to whatever has triggered us. This takes a while. I'm on week 6 of my 3rd PP, and I still don't always catch myself when I react, but I'm light-years better at it than when I started TPP over seven months ago.

5. They evoke an emotional response sometimes that is well needed. Some weeks, I've read the conscious response and immediately started crying (which means integration is commencing).

yb44's post covered a good bit and probably put it better than I just did.

Good luck, man. Can't wait to hear your experiences with TPP.

Re: Summerhill School. Brian I happened to meet one of its graduates a few years back. This person had a few life challenges of their own including depression. For a different take on the topic of freedom you might like to listen to the podcast mentioned in this thread
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/existential-therapy-part-2-freedom.3120/

Well done on resolving your addiction, BTW. I would think the insecurity you are working on now was lurking underneath that addiction. But then again I'm no expert.

Yeah, it's like peeling an onion. I had to remove that top layer of anger and the fear it was covering to be able to more easily feel this insecurity a layer below it. Insecurity is probably my biggest issue, which is odd, because I'm very good at being honest and open about myself with people. I'm really excited about this insecurity I'm dealing with now.

That's cool that you met someone from Summerhill. I'm currently reading a book about what happened to many of the students who attended Summerhill. Their stories are very interesting. May I ask how old the person was and what years they attended Summerhill? I've noticed that some of the alumni say that they were there during years when the school was suffering in certain areas, which made it less enjoyable. But despite that, everyone still always says they really loved it there.

I might have described Summerhill too quickly and ineffectively. Summerhill can't take care of all of a person's issues, nor is it meant to. Summerhill is more about giving a person freedom to develop him or her self without anyone trying to mold them (which causes inauthenticity and suppression). There are tons of rules that the children and teachers come up with and vote on in the General Meetings, so it's not complete freedom. Heck, they have more rules than most schools (often over 200 rules). What's interesting is that 99.999% of the kids develop the responsibility needed to accompany their freedom so that they have a strong balance. Summerhill produces very self-sufficient individuals who are very good at engaging life. There's a lot of emotional integration that develops in that environment. However, it cannot get everything integrated. It can only do so much. I've read that the kids still get triggered by their parents, which means there are still charged emotions at play that will come up later in life. But I imagine they have pretty good emotional strength and can push through things like depression pretty well. I can't imagine what kind of kids Summerhill would produce if they were taught TPP to resolve their remaining issues. That's not to say that kids can't be resilient in regular schools. They are. And schools are much better nowadays, too.

But I remember that when I was in school, my dysfunctional emotional signatures were either compounded or reinforced. I didn't realize I was smart back then. I didn't do well in subjects I wasn't interested in, so I didn't feel very smart or quite so capable. That made me doubt myself a bit. After high school, I realized that I could learn very fast when I was doing something I had a real interest in or passion for. But my emotional signatures would often cause me to self-sabotage, so it was difficult for me to find what I love to do. I had a rough road after high school. I'm 35 now and have run a business for the past 9 years, yet I'm still trying to figure out what profession to switch to that I really love. As I go through TPP, it becomes a little more clear and I feel more confident about it. Also, I'm able to live life more freely.

Thanks for the link. It won't play on my computer for some reason. If he's talking about freedom and responsibility, though, I'm guessing he's going to show exactly what Summerhill thrives on. Can't have freedom without responsibility. America did so well in her infancy because of true democracy at the city and state levels. It's amazing what Americans accomplished as a result (tons of inventions and innovations). But America's gone downhill quite a bit now. I think we're falling behind in a lot of areas. That's okay. It's what's required right now.

 

[BrianC]

Bruce.
I been on the pp forum and chatted with some people they also express the same thi g abouts MB mantras.

There's a PP forum? Can I get a link to it?

 

[BrianC]

Hi, Bogdan.

I write books and watch movies so my head is also always busy with plots and ideas.
I try to tune everything out an hour or two before bedtime so my mind isn't too busy.
I hope you can continue to not smoke. It's just a crutch. TMS healing techniques
such as deep breathing and mindfulness are better.

Walt,
Yeah, I used to have that issue with plots and ideas going through my head a lot. I'm better about that now. The 15-minute breathing session before bed takes care of that, thankfully. I don't find myself obsessing about plots and ideas nearly as much now, either, but I haven't been writing as much either. I'm just now addressing my insecurity issue, which is the reason I have obsessing thinking about plots and other story-related things. I'm really excited about this, because I've wanted to get rid of the obsessive thinking for a while now. I used to like being lost in my head. Now, I want to be more engaged. I can allow myself to be lost in my thoughts at appropriate times, now, thankfully. For writing, I hope to be able to confine the ideas and plots to my writing times. If I have ideas outside of my writing time, I pull out my smartphone and record them real quick and put them in a folder in my email for later. Helps get them off my mind. Since I've been doing TPP, I actually remember my good ideas about my stories much easier and without notes to remind me of them. I still use the notes just in case, though. It's difficult to keep all of that stuff in my head.

 

[BrianC]

Well my mind has always been busy. Sorry but I have to write this). I know stories are irrelevant in PP, but I am not really here to ask for your help. More to share my experience. I know you can't really help me. It's just a temporary instinct to share. I will stop at some point.

So... to answer your 'random' question (do you actually read what I write?)...

I am definitely more present as my 'present' muscle got trained, even though I am still not sure what it means to be present. There are so many things to focus in the present. A person's eyes, voice, gestures, the way I feel, where I am. Can't be aware of all at the same time. That would be ideal. Therefore, I oftentimes find myself unaware of people around me or what they say because I focus on the way I feel. So it's like I am not present for them. I am in the present of how I feel (usually strong feelings) but not enough present to acknowledge other things.

Also I tried not to expect anything from PP and I believe I didn't have much expectations until now. I have to draw a line at some point and I chose to do it now because I have too many doubts about this process and what it means to just be in a postmodern society.

Now I am definitely less reactive and most of the times I don't say anything when I am angry at someone, I just observe the feeling, even though that means I ignore that person.

But I can't say I 'see' the world differently. The only thing that changed is my mind set. So I get a 'high' that I know more, but that happened before, when I studied NLP. After all it's just an implanted mind set. But I change my mind all the time as I never know what I actually want from life except to feel free. Sometimes I feel I am brainwashed, because paying attention to the present moment so far doesn't change much.

All these are good for me as I make movies and therefore I need stories in my life to write scripts. It's a bit contradictory haha. Also I realise that by knowing the truths said my M. Brown I tend to judge people more often. For example, when I look at a smoker, I automatically avoid him/her as my mind can't see that person as authentic. I used to smoke as well. I quit before my second PP. I had a relapse in September but now I stopped again and feel less to no temptation to restart. But I quit several times before anyway.

Bogdan,

I can relate to many things you mentioned in this post. I think I'm a little further into the process than you, so maybe my experiences will help a little.

You said: "I am still not sure what it means to be present." I had that same thought several times during my first PP. I'm slowly getting more tastes of what it is to be present. I can engage in what I'm doing much better now. That's being present. I can feel out the situations much better now, too. My intuition is more easily sensed by me now. I spend less time in my head and more time in the moment. I feel joy even when I'm experiencing emotional pain, usually, and there's this unshakable hope that's always there, which knows I'm on the right path and all is well.

Keep in mind that I worked with people who had Multiple Personality Disorder for 5 years, so I saw how powerful emotional integration is. Granted, I didn't have a ton of success, because my issues were getting in my way, but the guy I learned from had over 200 cases of multiples fully integrating. Their health issues would completely resolve and they were very happy, very functional people after that. They had a strong sense of closeness to God, and they were authentic. So, when I went into TPP, I knew for certain that it would work, because I'd seen what emotional integration does to a person. So, I didn't have your doubts up front. I went in without a single doubt in my mind. Well, I won't say without a single doubt. There were thoughts that sprang up from emotional patterns of the past, but very rarely. The thoughts basically pertained to me failing, not the process failing. Even though my heart has its doubts here and there, my conscious mind has no doubts, which is very strange to me--and refreshing.

You mentioned that when you did NLP, you felt better. I used to place my hope in things, and this was an attempt to suppress my fear and hopelessness. That's what I hear you expressing. That's an issue that came up for me in TPP eventually, and it's begun resolving out now. My hopelessness surfaces and I get to feel it along with this joy I feel. As it integrates, little by little, I feel more hopeful in the moment rather than hoping for some destination of success or peace in the future. I've just recently embarked upon resolving that issue, though. It goes along with the obsessive thinking I do and my insecurity. I'm seeing awesome results on this 3rd PP in this area and I'm really excited about it. I'll post another update soon.

When you mentioned that you aren't recognizing people's body movements, which makes you feel less connected with them, it made me think that you're on the right track, but you're backward in your interpretation. Our heart will fear something, and so the mind will jump into the driver's seat and learn how to read people to keep safe. Once the mind feels a person is safe, it'll connect with them easier. That's an illusion, actually. If I had to guess, I'd say that you're feeling less connected, because you're dropping your wall of analyzing people to feel safe. Which means you'll naturally pull back from them (or your perceived connection with them before wasn't true connection--who knows which). Because you're switching over to intuition, you're going to naturally stop analyzing people with your mind. However, I bet you can turn it on whenever you want, if necessary, which is pretty cool. I'm extremely good at reading people. It's a natural gift. I've noticed that I do it much better by intuition, but when I'm trying to analyze their body language, I'm not as good at it. I'm still good at it, but the analyzing takes more effort and can sometimes be misleading, because their unrelated thoughts can cause body movements and throw me off. I would expect that you'd feel disconnected from people for a while, because your safety barrier is integrating. But at some point, you'll integrate the fear that keeps you disconnected from them, I'm guessing. I'm just guessing at this stuff, though. The farther along the PP path you get, it'll all become more clear. I'm sure you're well aware of that, though. I can totally relate to all of the stuff you typed, in one way or another.

 

[BrianC]

I read it twice and another two books from him...It's worth mentioning I had a hard childhood and I've been hospitalised and operated without anaesthetics when I was about 3 years old (my parents were not around). There's probably a very strong resistance inside of me, so I suspect I need more time to integrate it. I don't need more literature to understand the ego and that feeling is healing. The reason I am here is because I am not sure if I am feeling the right way. I realised that if I stop breathing and focus on the feeling I get deeper into it and it moves more freely. Sometimes I feel this tingling all around my body as if millions of ants are crawling my skin. But then I have to stop breathing (and I always think I shouldn't do that) or simply ignore breathing and just focus on feeling. And even like this I still have the feeling of being stuck.

When I feel strange sensations, I just keep breathing no matter what. If the 15 minutes ends, I'll continue breathing if I'm still feeling the felt-resonance and have the time to continue. If I can't continue the breathing, I just try to remember the feeling at a later time and let it surface again. If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. No big deal. Everything's valid. There's no way to feel it wrong. Feeling anything is progress. I feel that tingling all over my body sometimes, and it's usually when I do the breathing a little faster and deeper than normal. It's a strange felt-resonance or sensation (whatever it is), and I like to draw it out as much as possible, so I like to breathe more when that happens. I always keep in mind that whatever I feel is just a feeling/sensation, and it can't hurt me. I really enjoy feeling the sensations, though, even the painful ones. Most are not comfortable, but I still enjoy them all. I think some people have to do TPP for a while before they start enjoying the sensations. You're doing well.

 

[BrianC]

I have many voices inside but I am never sure which one is authentic. I am still unsure what integration means after 2 PPs. I'm aware I have a strong ego(s). I observe myself doing and saying things I don't want to do or say. I realise they are not who I am. This should be enough.

Bogdan,

I know childhood abuse or trauma can cause personality splits. So, multiplicity is a possibility. However, TPP will resolve that eventually as they integrate. Or it's possible, like you said, that those voices are just thoughts that are not yours. I know I had a parasitic entity (or lots of them) that were sort of causing me to hold on to the porn and masturbation addiction. Once I cast that off, I had some integration and the thoughts and feelings weren't happening anymore (or at least a ton less). Integration is pretty awesome sometimes. At other times, it happens and it's barely noticeable. Sad tears indicate integration. Laughing can indicate integration. The most awesome integrations are the ones where I'm crying happy tears and laughing and feeling my heart burning in my chest (in a good way). Cool stuff. I think some integration happens while we're breathing and we don't even notice it due to thoughts springing up. I remember TPP talking about that. So, integration happens in different ways. When you have the strong happy ones, you'll definitely know that's integration. When I hear thoughts come up in my head that aren't necessarily from me, I just love them and their emotional cause unconditionally. I imagine you're probably doing the same. You sound like you're doing great.

I will keep on observing and not judging as much as I can. I will never give up on this. However, lately I have strong doubts about this actually working for me as I deal with the same feeling since I started. It moves inside of me, in my neck, head, stomach, legs. One time I remember I had such a strong pain in my toes that it really felt as if someone is cutting them out off my feet. I stayed with that pain for half an hour or more. I was laughing at myself for doing that. Who would want to feel that when you could stop that pain simply by just moving the toes. Of course I moved them after half an hour and the pain was gone. Staying longer than that creates too much resistance, because I always wonder whether that pain is caused by my position on the floor or is a pain from the past. I had this experience 3 times I think. I always had to move my body after a while as it became numb after sitting still for so long. And I really didn't want to stop the breathing while the pain was still active. I did injured my toe at some point though, when I fell off the motorcycle.

That's interesting since TPP says old injuries may resurface. I know when I worked with multiples, their abuse injuries would surface on their bodies with bruises from years ago due to memories surfacing.

I do that thing with letting pain persist for a while, too. And I laugh at myself, too, for exactly the same reason. lol I enjoy pain, now, oddly enough. But I do so because I know it's there to help me. It's my wonderful messenger chalked full of insight.

Also, sometimes it's almost impossible to stay still, because this energetic feeling is literally moving my body (head especially). And then there is this saliva problem. I produce a lot of saliva and I have to either swallow or spit it out, or do nothing, but that's distracting. So I always find myself asking whether I should oppose this movement created by the energetic feeling or move according to it. I didn't receive an answer yet. I am tempted to retry holotropic breathing as there is no rule in terms of body movement in that technique. The way the holotropic breathwork practitioners put it is as follows: Express your feelings in any way you feel like expressing them. In my first holotropic experience I screamed and moved my arms in the air because that was what the feeling was suggesting me to do.

I can see the value in holotropic movement, because it's healthy to express energy with movement. I know when I finished my sessions for the first few weeks of my first TPP, I would end up shaking afterward. Sometimes, I'd shake during and I'd go ahead and let myself shake and maybe cry as I did it. I got the sense that it was fear from when I was a baby. I had to feel it out, really. Right now, I try to not move at all, as instructed in TPP, when I do the breathing practice. There are dysfunctional emotional signatures usually being suppressed by the movements. I heard one lady say that because she sat still, emotions came up that wouldn't have otherwise due to her movements. I progressively try to move less and less as I do the breathing. However, what happens happens, and that's okay--it's valid! The saliva thing happens to me. I just try to stretch it out. I don't have to swallow as much now, because my issues are clearing up a little at a time. I put my tongue on the roof of my mouth right behind my front teeth during breathing. This helps a ton with the saliva. I've heard others recommend that, too.

Good luck and thanks for sharing. It's always great to hear others' experiences.

 

[BrianC]

In the latest edition of his book, the Relaxation Response, Dr. Herbert Benson asserts that the 'relaxation response' (in contrast to the mammalian fight-flight stress response) can be elicited by what he defines as "four essential components":

1. A quite environment
2. A mental device - a sound, word, phrase, or prayer repeated silently or aloud, or a fixed gaze at an object
3. A passive attitude - not worrying about how well one is performing the technique and simply putting aside distracting thoughts to return to one's focus
4. A comfortable position

So, Boston, it sounds as though you don't necessarily have to silently repeat Brown's mantra, "I-am-here-now-in-this", to enter into Presence; that is, if you can stay focused on your breath. I do think that repeating his mantra makes it more difficult for you to get caught up in distracting personal story-lines and/ or mental gossip.

Whatever works for you!

BruceMC,

I've read where Michael Brown says that the breathing practice and its conscious response in TPP is not for the purpose of relaxing a person. It's strictly for the purpose of consciously connecting breathing and anchoring in the present moment. In fact, he says it could have either a relaxing effect or an energizing effect. And when dysfunctional emotions from the past are pulled into the present, it can get very uncomfortable. I'd say the "I-am-here-now-in-this" is just to keep the mind focused on the present moment. But, like you said, this isn't the only way to enter the present moment. TPP is basically for resolving the emotional patterns that keep us from being in the present moment all the time. The quiet environment is recommended for the place we breathe, but only so that we're not distracted. Also, a comfortable position is recommended. Using a mental device or passive attitude sounds more like trying to suppress our current emotional condition by becoming unaware of it. That's interesting information, either way. Thanks!

 

[BrianC]

I feel all those mantras make your mind wonder I find being quiet during the breathing gets me more grounded.

I suppose a person could do what they like, but TPP recommends that we stick to the process exactly as it says to do it, to the best of our ability. I'd say that if we want to change something in the process, that's a dysfunctional emotional signature driving a rebellious behavior that's attempting to short-circuit our progress. I've seen that happen many times in my life. I would fully expect that TPP would be less effective if I didn't do it exactly as it says to do it.

Now, allow me to go against what I just said. lol During the last 5 weeks of my second PP, I deviated by doing my breathing sessions in a hot bath, similar to what is talked about in Michael Brown's book "Being Our Companion." But I didn't take away anything about the process, though. I was just doing a more intense version, which really brought some emotions out. It made it difficult on me for several weeks, but once the emotions resolved, my addiction vanished. I like to do breathing sessions in a hot bath periodically now. Works well. But I generally stick to the usual process because it works so well for me. If I don't like something about the process, that's always a dysfunctional emotion surfacing to sabotage my integration. And that means I make a much stronger effort to do the opposite of what that dysfunctional impulse is driving me to do.

 

[BrianC]

UPDATE: 3rd PP: WEEK 6

I had some awesome felt-resonances recently. My right temple, right rear of my head, and right solar plexus have all resonated. When I was around 12-13, I noticed that I started favoring my left side for some reason. I was more comfortable with it--felt more stable, even though I was right-handed. I became very insecure when I was that age. Also, my work ethic went downhill until I was 16. I found later that I would inevitably sabotage my jobs. Or, if I didn't sabotage them, Presence would by getting me laid off or something like that. So, no matter how well I did at a job, I would lose it (not necessarily because of anything I did). Once I started running my own business, that changed. However, after 9 years, my business is about to end. Anyway, the point is that the right side is the male side, and it's associated with work. My insecurity has caused me a lot of issues in my work life. The emotions that are associated with fear of getting trapped in a job, fear of losing jobs, or fear of being able to do the job (self-confidence) are shifting. I've noticed that I'm putting weight on my right side more-so now. And I have more impulses to do physical activities now (work).

Also, I was feeling some other felt resonances that were intriguing a few days ago. Behind my left eye and at my rear-right skull, I was having similar felt resonances at the same time. The left eye's visual cortex is in the rear-right side of the brain where the second felt resonance was surfacing. The right eye and left-rear of my skull were having the same thing happen. Sometimes all four spots were resonating at the same time. I got the sense that my insecurity was connected to my bad vision. I have an astigmatism caused by mucus built up in my cornea (or iris...I get the parts of the eye mixed up sometime). I'm curious if the mucus will release and my eyes will go back to normal after this emotional issue integrates. Pretty cool stuff.

I've also noticed that around age 12, I would get fixated on one girl in one of my classes, but I'd never talk to her. This was me avoiding the feeling of rejection--worthlessness. If I never engaged by asking the girl out, I would never have to face feeling worthless. I did ask girls out eventually. But when they would break up with me, I would feel awful. Shameful and worthless. It was always in my stomach. Horrible feeling of hopelessness. This was an insecurity issue. Now I'm getting to feel that again, little by little. It's linked to the porn and masturbation issue, actually. So I see that part of myself getting triggered just a little bit. But since I've integrated some of the other emotional issues causing those addictions, they're so much easier to resist now. Also, since I never engaged the girl who was my "ideal" girl, I it would cause thoughts about how it could be with her. Thoughts about how happy we'd be together. In other words, I started to live in my thoughts instead of out of my heart. This is one of the origins of my obsessive thinking as a coping mechanism to suppress emotions. This is very encouraging! I'm really enjoying feeling these resonances and not being scared of them. It'll be very interesting to see what happens once they integrate. But I guess I won't fully experience that until about 3 weeks after this current PP is complete, so that's like 13 weeks away. Thankfully, I'm a lot more patient now than I used to be. It's easier to be patient in the present moment since the future isn't constantly distracting me. I realized a while back that impatience is me wanting to feel better than I feel now. It's an emotional signature that brings thoughts of the future when things will be "better." And so I was in a hurry to get there before. Now, I love feeling whatever emotions surface in the moment, which means I don't need the future to feel hopeful anymore. I'm not always patient, but I'm patient a lot more than I used to be.

Oh, almost forgot to mention that I come up with business ideas, usually as a reaction to solve my money problems, but more accurately, it's to suppress my hopelessness. I noticed that pattern several years ago. Now, it's starting to sink into my heart (insight). So, I catch myself doing this and I stop the behavior and thoughts. This helps me figure out if I'm wanting to start a particular business because it sounds like fun or because I want to make money to suppress my hopelessness. So again, this is insecurity. I often don't start the businesses due to fear, and usually because they're really just ideas to suppress the hopelessness. Now, I feel that I might actually be able to start a business I enjoy eventually and have fun with it.

 

[BrianC]

Brian, I'm so busy I haven't finished reading the book yet.
I try to balance my time with heavy thinking and light thinking
and believe I feel better when I do the light thinking.

Yeah, Michael Brown's book is definitely a heavy read. Takes a while to get through.

 

[BrianC]

Have you had success with the PP to be more in the present and let go of the ego?

Big time. The dysfunctional emotions that drive my ego are being integrated, which means my ego lessens. I'm far more easy going now. I cannot bring myself to say that I know something for certain now, unless I truly can prove it. In other words, I don't have beliefs or theories that I claim are true anymore, because I'm now very open-minded. I see that there are tons of possibilities. Very few things can be proven in life. The ego loves to claim it knows things as the truth--makes it feel safe and important.

I don't judge myself or others hardly at all. That's huge. Judging is a major function of the ego to keep it feeling good about itself. For someone to eliminate judging completely is quite a feet and hugely rewarding. A lot of my judging is gone. Not all of it, but quite a bit. I used to judge all kinds of people and situations all the time in order to feel safe. Now that I feel much safer and more secure, I don't have a use for judging.

There's probably a lot more I could say on this topic, but I don't want to ramble on. Hope this is helpful!

 

[BrianC]

MOVING WHILE BREATHING

I forgot to mention that if I feel the slightest sensation of needing to cry while I'm doing my breathing, I allow myself to cry. At that point, it doesn't matter whether I move or not. All I care about at that point is not restricting whatever felt resonance I feel in my body while I'm crying. There were a few times during my first PP that I stopped my breathing in order to express fear through intense shaking. This would often progress into crying. Once it was done, I continued my breathing. I don't stop my 15 minute timer while I do these things.

MOVING (SWALLOWING, ITCHING, YAWNING) DURING BREATHING

Swallowing was tricky at first. It's much better now. I began by placing my tongue on the roof of my mouth right behind my front teeth. This helped my mouth not accumulate saliva nearly as much. Last night, I realized my tongue is now suction-cupped to the roof of my mouth, which is even more effective. I didn't even realize I was doing this, but that's somehow what the tongue technique progressed into.

Itching during breathing is something I do my very best not to do. I wasn't very good at this when I first started TPP. Now, I'm very good at it. Itches are drama surfacing to distract us from our breathing and present moment awareness. The more we stay still, the more effective our breathing practice is.

Yawning, for me, I discovered to be a way of suppressing emotions. I noticed that I would yawn sometimes when I didn't want an emotional response to come up when interacting with people. Affection for someone is the main reason it happens. This was interesting. So, I notice that I yawned a lot at first during my first PP. That went away, for the most part, during my second PP. Now that I'm dealing with my obsessive mind and its insecurity root, the yawning is presenting itself again for integration.

Movement in general is drama, according to TPP. We're told not to move, no matter what. In Being Our Companion, we're told that we're going to move sometimes, and that's okay. We're just working toward not moving so that we integrate whatever emotions are underneath those movements.

 

[BrianC]

I feel all those mantras make your mind wonder I find being quiet during the breathing gets me more grounded.

Boston Redsox,

I just happened to read across the part of The Presence Process that addresses the issue you're having with the mantras. I'll type out those sections here:

The Presence Process - Navigational Guidance (pg 98, 99)

11 - Even when we willingly enter a process like this, we still at times resist the prescribed tasks, just like children when given homework they don't like. This process isn't homework. It is however "the work required to get us home." Each facet and element of the process is deliberately designed from years of personal and observed experience. Because we only comprehend the value of its structural integrity in hindsight, when we commit to this process, we do so as fully as possible. We may encounter moments in which we experience levels of intense resistance to what's happening. It's normal for this to occur when deeply unconscious imprints surface. During our breathing sessions, this manifests as a desire to sleep rather than breathe. Resistance may also cause us to avoid mentally repeating our conscious responses. This is the time to "show up" and be as present as possible. The way out is through. Resistance may also manifest as delaying breathing sessions, as anger and irritation toward the process itself, and as emotional states of depression and hopelessness. Resistance may even manifest physically as cold and flu-like symptoms or various chest maladies that seemingly justify our canceling and postponing breathing sessions. We are to attend to our daily sessions especially when we don't feel like it. The way out is through.

13 - Like any endeavor, the more we give of ourselves unconditionally, the more we receive. Often we don't do what we are invited to even when we know it's in our best interest because this is the only way we feel we have control over seemingly ongoing chaos in our current experience. Once we enter The Presence Process, we don't consciously or unconsciously resist doing what's instructed as a means to feel some control over what's happening. This journey is an opportunity to realize what surrender is. In The Presence Process, the word "surrender" doesn't mean "to give up." It means we surrender to the process and hence don't give up, no matter what. To complete The Presence Process is therefore an act of surrender. The mental body may decide to make changes to the way the process is constructed. For example, it may decide to change the wording in a particular conscious response or not to read particular aspects of the text because it disagrees with the content. The mental body may decide we don't need to wield certain perceptual tools because we have already "done processes like this in the past." When we feel compelled to alter any aspect of this process, there are two facts worth considering. The first is that only a controlling mental body attempts to make adjustments to this process. The second is that the mental body lives in the dark. It may think and believe it understands everything, yet it "knows" nothing. We cannot control the consequences of doing this process, although we may attempt to. We cannot control our entry into present moment awareness. We can only lay a foundation that enables us to consciously reawaken into it. Because the mental body is a time-based identity, it's allergic to being present. Hense we are wary of entertaining its reasoning for bailing out in the midst of discovery. The way out is through.

That sounds like what you're experiencing, Boston. It probably sounds demeaning to be compared to a little kid who doesn't want to do his homework, but I think that comparison is used because TPP tells us our immature heart is like a child whose emotional development got stopped at approximately age 7. I've never cared for mantras either. I do like that I can do these in my head whenever I want rather than out loud a prescribed number of times, as if I have to measure up to something. The ego is incredibly deceptive, which is probably why the Bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all and desperately sick--who can understand it?" Some translations say "who can trust it." Obviously, it's talking about the ego which is always driven by fear to act deceptively for the purpose of keeping "safe."

Oh, something else came to mind. If you're experiencing resistance in the form of having a hard time staying in the present moment due to the conscious responses, that's a good sign. It means it's working! If you were able to stay completely present while you do this process, then you've suppressed yourself so far that you can't get the suppressed emotions to come up. The conscious responses are stimulating your heart to bring up suppressed emotions for integration, and they're causing your mind to drift. Good job! Heck, it makes me feel better about my mind drifting when I remember this, so thanks for bringing this up!

 

[BrianC]

CONFUSION & DISTRACTION

Bogdan,

I just happened to be reading the section of the book that mentioned some of the things you said you're dealing with presently. Here's what it says:

The Presence Process - Navigational Guidance (pg 101, 102)

19 - Old injuries may resurface. They do so because we are now willing and able to attend to them unconditionally through present moment awareness, instead of suppressing, sedating, and controlling their symptoms.

20 - We may have moments or even whole days when we feel distracted and confused. This occurs because we gain a new awareness of where are aren't present in our experience. These states of distraction and confusion already occur throughout experience. However, as our present moment awareness increases, we become acutely aware of them. Our unconditional felt-awareness of them facilitates their integration.

I know I have long bouts of distraction. LONG bouts. LOL I just ride them out and do my best to catch myself when I'm using them to suppress emotions rather than letting them surface. I'm not very good at not entertaining distractions right now. I tend to go with them--a lot. lol That's okay. I fully expect that to happen right now since I'm dealing with my obsessive thinking and the insecurity that drives it. At least the thinking is coming out in actions now rather than just sitting in my head. That means I'm more integrated and aligned than I used to be, so that's progress!