Day 1 The Pain Train

[V1ckster25]

I learned about TMS and Dr Sarno when my mother sent me a very carefully worded recommendation that I check it out. I've been diagnosed as "young girl complaining" so many times that she was afraid I would think she had started to believe them. I've been battling injuries, illnesses, and pain for so long that I'm not even sure when it began. Reading through The Mindbody Prescription, it was immediately apparent that the book was written about people like me. But as I read each page, I was both thrilled at the idea that someone gets it and can fix it, and furuious at the years, money and heartache I have wasted until now. As I read the book, and immediately began to see some relief in the most persistent and debilitating manifestation that I deal with (chronic tension headaches, back and neck pain). I've been quickly brought back down to earth with the recurrence of an old nemesis - lower back pain. So now that I've realized that I'm not one of the magic few that reads the book and is cured, I'm here, starting the SEP.
The part I don't like to talk about, and probably what I need to write about, is how I got here. As I've said, I'm not sure when this all started. I was a serious athlete throughout high school and college, but consistently had something wrong. Injuries of unknown origin than never quite seem to heal. The injuries that I could point to a specific cause always seem to be worse than the x-rays indicate. Nothing ever healed as well as the doctors expected, even when I was as young as 9 years old with my first sprained ankle. While I doubt that the TMS goes back that far, my emotional baggage over always being "hurt" surely does.
I doubt that this webpage can handle a post that includes every injury/illness/manifestation that I can think of, and honestly, I'm not ready to go back through them all mentally. But I can say this. Looking back, at 20 years of chronic pain and all that comes with it, the thing that probably holds me back from fully accepting and recovering is the anger that it happened at all. I truly believe that TMS is the source of the last 8 years of pain at the very least. But to put it plainly, that makes me madder than I can even handle. The idea that I spent all that money, all that time, lost my job, lost friends, missed major life events with my friends and family... All of these things happened, and all along I could have stopped it. The friends and family that have stood by have told me over and over that I'm the strongest person they know, and that others would have crumbled under the burden I've carried. But I am the type of person that is harder on myself than I would be on my worst enemy. Which means that the truly emotionally honest side of my brain can't quite let go of the idea that if I'd been just a little bit stronger, none of this would have happened.

So, I guess that's the first hurdle I will have to clear. Whatever repressed emotions got this train started is going to have to wait until I can forgive myself for getting on the train to begin with.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Vic. You are not alone in being angry that it took so long to discover TMS. I was 82 when I got severe back pain and a nurse told me to read Dr. Sarno's book HEALING BACK PAIN. I believed about 90 percent in TMS causing my pain, from repressed emotions going back to when my parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I didn't totally lose the back pain until I believed 100 percent in TMS.

I felt angry that it took me 82 years to discover my emotions caused my back pain, but quickly put that anger aside and thanked God that I finally discovered TMS. I urge you to do the same. What is past is past. Spilled milk, as they say.

Follow the SEP and journal to discover your repressed emotions, then you will heal.

The fact that you don't want to go into your past means that is where you pain is coming from.

Here's a pep talk about TMS healing that may help you, from someone else who healed after taking the SEP.

Kevin healed 95 % from SEP


Welcome to the SEP and to the path of recovery. I am on my final two days of the program and I can say with complete confidence that I am a changed man. I started after 6 months of nasty low-back/butt/leg pain, could hardly walk, stand, etc. was in physical therapy, chiropractor, acupuncture, pain medications, etc.. the usual. My MRI showed 3 disk bulges/herniations touching nerves, so that is what I believe it to be....that is until I read Dr. Sarno and found this site.

I encourage you to really get involved, follow the instructions, do the journaling, take time to read all the suggested readings, and watch the videos. I'd say I'm 95% cured. There is still some very light lingering "annoyance", but I still have some work to do. I've been walking miles with hardly any pain these last few weeks. But even more, if the pain comes on now, it just doesn't bother me like it used to, I sorta just see it, acknowledge it, and go about my business. It took working the program to get to that point, but 6 weeks compared to 6 months is nothing! I made more progress in the first week than I did from two months of PT!!! It's going to challenge you and your "beliefs" in medicine, but you have nothing to lose. We generally wind up here when all else fails.

So give it a shot, especially before considering anything invasive like surgery. If you put the work in, you will get better. Have you read Dr. Sarno yet? I assume you have since you're here, but in case you haven't, definitely read Healing Back Pain. Again, it will challenge everything you've believed about your pain, and backs in general. You'll be encouraged to resume life as normal, i.e. stop ALL "therapies" (PT, chiro, etc.), stop taking medications, and most importantly, stop thinking STRUCTURAL problems are the cause of your pain and shift to psychological as the reason.....again, this can be difficult and takes some time to sink in, so be patient and kind to yourself.

It was a process for me. A few of the bigger moves in my case were: I ripped up and threw out my MRI test results (I found myself obsessively reading over them and comparing them to other results I could find on the web and even here on the TMSwiki site...); I got back to the gym and stopped using a weight belt; and I even cancelled an appointment I had made with a TMS doctor because it was more than a month away and it was hindering my recovery (that is, my 100% belief in TMS was lagging because I had this pending appointment, but as soon as I cancelled it, my recovery sped up significantly). Everyone's journey is unique to their situation, but I've found that really committing to the program and brining what I learn from it into my daily life has had profound results. Also, sharing along the way here in these forums has been extremely helpful - there's something about knowing that you're not alone in your TMS recovery that really helps. I encourage you to look through my past posts for some insight into my experience with SEP. Like I said, I'm just now finishing, tomorrow is my final day, and I feel like a changed person. It's amazing. And I feel as though it is something that one carries on with, not just like a one time 6 week thing and that's that...it has helped me to get to know myself and taught me tools to "deal" with my emotions. Learning and accepting TMS is a life changer for sure.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Which means that the truly emotionally honest side of my brain can't quite let go of the idea that if I'd been just a little bit stronger, none of this would have happened.

So, I guess that's the first hurdle I will have to clear. Whatever repressed emotions got this train started is going to have to wait until I can forgive myself for getting on the train to begin with.

First of all V1ckster, welcome to this group, because it sounds like you've come to the right place.

Walt has given you a good start, to which I want to add the following: which is to tell you that the most successful recoveries are achieved with one simple, although admittedly big, step - and that is to make the decision to change your mind, and to let go of preconceived notions.

You don't have to be as rigid as you are making yourself out to be. You may be hanging on to that because your unconscious brain is trying to give you the sense that you are in control. The truth is that you are NOT in control as long as you allow your brain to repress your real emotions, and substitute them with shallow ones, such as anger at yourself. You have to take control by being willing to look at the deep stuff that has been repressed.

FACT: It takes no time at all to forgive yourself. It takes a mere instant. And a 180-degree shift in your mindset. Hard, and yet simple. It's up to you to make the choice to forgive yourself, and move forward.

If nothing else, you can certainly love yourself for being open to the concept of TMS when your mother suggested it! Do you know how many people completely turn away from the idea that their chronic pain could come from their brains? You are one of the few, so be proud of yourself for that!

I'm thinking that telling your story today, with all of the self-anger, is like a purge, and maybe you're already ready to move on.

So now, let the SEP guide you, and allow your mind to be open to each reading, each video, and, most importantly, to each writing exercise. You have to practice complete honesty with yourself. If you allow your brain to say "Oh no, THAT'S not important, don't write THAT down" then you will not progress. Even worse is your brain telling you "Oh no, we can't look at THAT yet, just put THAT off for now". I'm telling you - those are the EXACT things you need to look at - and the sooner the better.

All the best V1ckster - stick with it, read and get involved in other threads, read some of the posts in the Success Stories subforum, ask questions, and explore other resources as you do the SEP. It will be worth it, I promise!

Jan