the pain from no friends

[Urbanjourney]

The title may be a little misleading...i have friends but just not lifelong or really close friends. The sort you call most weeks or hang out with. Through the process of journaling, I have realised that all my closest primary school friends peeled off then my high school friends the same then work friends the same as i leave jobs and now having recently resigned from a job i'd been at for nearly 10 years, I feel the heavy weight of this issue for me. I think it's been compounded by my addiction to the Long Way series of documentaries (Long way Round, Long Way Down, Long Way Up, Long Way Home). In case you're not aware of them, they document the amazing friendship of Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman from their early twenties through a series of motorbike adventures around the world. Usually I'd find these very inspiring and fun to watch but i've recently been saddened by it and through journaling I've realised the sadness (and even when writing this i can feel it welling up) comes from the fact that i've not got that friendship in my life. I've lived an amazing 16 years of adventure with my wife so it's never been apparent that something is missing until now. My back pain that started at the beginning of this year has also taken away my spin bike class community that i'd been in for years.
So, I could have kept this to my journal but preferred to put it out into the community - as humans I think we crave other deep human connection and if we feel we are losing it, I think it can trouble us immensely - I know for me this has been a big big discovery and one that i'm proudly able to shed lots of tears about - i have loved feeling connected into that sort of emotion and not feeling at all like I need to put a lid on it.

My guess it can all help in the journey of discovery about oneself and particularly with TMS, what things have been stored away neatly....until the container gets too full and pain kicks in.

 

[BloodMoon]

@Urbanjourney I found your post really interesting, particularly the connection you've made between the Long Way documentaries and the feelings they've brought up.

I think the thing about friendships is that they're so often built around having something in common (an interest, an activity, a problem or issue you're experiencing or campaigning for) and proximity to each other. Those are often the things that keep friendships going. Lose one of those elements and people can gradually drift apart and lose touch.

Ewan and Charley are an interesting example. Although they clearly retained a fondness for each other, their lives and careers took different directions and they reportedly 'lost touch' for over a decade after Long Way Round. Ewan moved to America, while Charley continued with his own television projects and motorcycle adventures. It makes you realise how much shared experiences and being in each other's lives contribute to maintaining friendships.

I sometimes think it's quite rare to have a really deep, enduring friendship where both people make a conscious effort to stay in touch simply because they enjoy each other's company, rather than because they happen to share an activity, workplace or particular stage of life. Perhaps one exception is where someone has done something extraordinary for another person, such as saving their life or that of a loved one. That can create a bond that transcends all those other things.

Of course, when we lose touch with people, there's always the possibility of rekindling those friendships when the time is right. But I think there's another interesting aspect to that, which is that sometimes the passage of time and the distance between us actually gives us a different perspective on the friendship. We might discover that, although we initially felt we'd lost something important, we don't necessarily want to go back to it.

I've experienced that myself. A friend got back in touch with me when she retired, and I found myself questioning whether she was genuinely missing our friendship or whether I was simply someone who could help fill the hours in her newly retired life. When I reflected on it, I also remembered that I'd once written to her explaining that I was bedridden, yet she hadn't made any effort to keep in touch, even with the occasional letter. It made me reconsider the friendship and, interestingly, realise that she had chosen me all those years ago, rather than it necessarily being a friendship I'd actively sought out myself. So, I decided to decline the invitation to rekindle the relationship.

I'm an only child, so my friendships from school and then from work always meant a great deal to me. Perhaps no consolation, but I think I understand only too well some of what you're describing, having lost so many of those connections when I could no longer participate in things because of TMS.

I've come to realise just how much our friendships and communities are tied to the activities and circumstances that bring us together. When those things disappear, maintaining the relationships can become much harder, even when the affection is still there.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that losing contact isn't always something we need to see as a failure or a loss that must be put right. Sometimes it's an opportunity to understand which relationships really matter to us and which ones perhaps belonged to a particular chapter of our lives.

I think what you've written about discovering all this through journaling is really valuable. Sometimes we don't fully appreciate what we're missing until something changes in our lives and brings it into focus. And being able to recognise those feelings, allow yourself to experience them and even shed a few tears is surely a positive part of that process.

Perhaps what we're all looking for, ultimately, is that sort of friendship where both people actively choose each other, regardless of what else is happening in their lives.

 

[Cactusflower]

I don't have lifelong friends either, and I recognize that it's because I didn't choose those people. It's not about me being left out, and it's not about my being left out, or lacking etc. When I began my TMS journey, a lot of this kind of stuff came up. What is interesting is that as I worked through it, I began to realize that my own personal values where different than some of the stuff coming up. For some reason my mind clung to things I 'should' have in my life or I 'should' feel. Working through it and working on really liking myself (again) I realize that there's a lot of stuff up in my head that isn't my own truth. How freeing it's been to let it go.
I wonder where your journey will take you. So far you seem to have some great insight and be quite invested in the work. Instead of running away from all the things that come up, you are walking towards them. That takes a lot of courage.

 

[Urbanjourney]

@Urbanjourney I found your post really interesting, particularly the connection you've made between the Long Way documentaries and the feelings they've brought up.

I think the thing about friendships is that they're so often built around having something in common (an interest, an activity, a problem or issue you're experiencing or campaigning for) and proximity to each other. Those are often the things that keep friendships going. Lose one of those elements and people can gradually drift apart and lose touch.

Ewan and Charley are an interesting example. Although they clearly retained a fondness for each other, their lives and careers took different directions and they reportedly 'lost touch' for over a decade after Long Way Round. Ewan moved to America, while Charley continued with his own television projects and motorcycle adventures. It makes you realise how much shared experiences and being in each other's lives contribute to maintaining friendships.

I sometimes think it's quite rare to have a really deep, enduring friendship where both people make a conscious effort to stay in touch simply because they enjoy each other's company, rather than because they happen to share an activity, workplace or particular stage of life. Perhaps one exception is where someone has done something extraordinary for another person, such as saving their life or that of a loved one. That can create a bond that transcends all those other things.

Of course, when we lose touch with people, there's always the possibility of rekindling those friendships when the time is right. But I think there's another interesting aspect to that, which is that sometimes the passage of time and the distance between us actually gives us a different perspective on the friendship. We might discover that, although we initially felt we'd lost something important, we don't necessarily want to go back to it.

I've experienced that myself. A friend got back in touch with me when she retired, and I found myself questioning whether she was genuinely missing our friendship or whether I was simply someone who could help fill the hours in her newly retired life. When I reflected on it, I also remembered that I'd once written to her explaining that I was bedridden, yet she hadn't made any effort to keep in touch, even with the occasional letter. It made me reconsider the friendship and, interestingly, realise that she had chosen me all those years ago, rather than it necessarily being a friendship I'd actively sought out myself. So, I decided to decline the invitation to rekindle the relationship.

I'm an only child, so my friendships from school and then from work always meant a great deal to me. Perhaps no consolation, but I think I understand only too well some of what you're describing, having lost so many of those connections when I could no longer participate in things because of TMS.

I've come to realise just how much our friendships and communities are tied to the activities and circumstances that bring us together. When those things disappear, maintaining the relationships can become much harder, even when the affection is still there.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that losing contact isn't always something we need to see as a failure or a loss that must be put right. Sometimes it's an opportunity to understand which relationships really matter to us and which ones perhaps belonged to a particular chapter of our lives.

I think what you've written about discovering all this through journaling is really valuable. Sometimes we don't fully appreciate what we're missing until something changes in our lives and brings it into focus. And being able to recognise those feelings, allow yourself to experience them and even shed a few tears is surely a positive part of that process.

Perhaps what we're all looking for, ultimately, is that sort of friendship where both people actively choose each other, regardless of what else is happening in their lives.

Wow this is an amazing layer of education for me - I really appreciate you taking time to bash on the keys for so long writing this! It really is like peeling an onion as we explore what we think might be some deeply buried emotions to then discover some new perspectives on it.

 

[Urbanjourney]

I don't have lifelong friends either, and I recognize that it's because I didn't choose those people. It's not about me being left out, and it's not about my being left out, or lacking etc. When I began my TMS journey, a lot of this kind of stuff came up. What is interesting is that as I worked through it, I began to realize that my own personal values where different than some of the stuff coming up. For some reason my mind clung to things I 'should' have in my life or I 'should' feel. Working through it and working on really liking myself (again) I realize that there's a lot of stuff up in my head that isn't my own truth. How freeing it's been to let it go.
I wonder where your journey will take you. So far you seem to have some great insight and be quite invested in the work. Instead of running away from all the things that come up, you are walking towards them. That takes a lot of courage.

Very insightful also - I "Should" have this in my life....It sure is an amazing exploration. I think this program has certainly led me perfectly (hello, does the use of this work suggest something ) through the journey along with Dr Sarno's 'Healing Back Pain' and currently Dr Schubiner's 'Unlearn your pain'. As I progress, i'm finding a balance of how much to invest in this on a daily basis and how much to just go find some joy and wonder. I do deep dive initially with research and looking back, my intuition has led me to find the blend and be aware of my tendency to just become consumed everyday with day it.
I love the part about recognising it's not about being left out or lacking...Thank you for rolling up your sleeves and helping me with these onion layers of mine