Day 42 The last day!

[Hedger]

It feels really good to actually end the SEP on a pain free day. That speaks for itself.

I´m proud of myself to have worked through every day and been active on the forum. Even though it took more than 3 months.

My biggest realization is that inside I´m a very sensitive and emotional man. Before I was not allowing this since I thought it was weak and a waste of time in my pursuit of efficiency, perfection and strength. Now I´m proud of my emotional and vulnerable side, and realize it´s very human also for men and actually a strength to accept.

Side Note
I had another realization today while reading. During the SEP I have learned about myself that my father's encouragement and high focus on achievements played a role in making me perfectionistic. What I realized today is that equally influencing is the fact that I was the youngest of three brothers. And I´m not even considering their behavior (which I was focusing on before), just the fact that I was surrounded by older and larger "giants" that outperformed me during my early years simply because they were older. I think this is a big reason for my feeling of inferiority and resulting in the overly need to be perfect and good. I wanted to be as good as them and wanted attention. And it feels good that it is just a simple fact of my very existence that I cannot blame on anyone (except better parenting in the situation, but yeah yeah).

I´m sure I will have a lot more realizations as I continue to explore myself and gain knowledge through reading and discussing. Below I have listed a summary of the last 3 months.

Work I have done
2 x Multimedia recovery program
3 x TMS recovery program
2 x reading "Healing backpain"
2 x reading "The divided mind"
SEP
Cried +100 times
Rage fantasies (more in the beginning)
Screaming into pillow or in car (more in the beginning)
A lot of journaling
A lot of self compassion and self-soothing in my inner dialogue.

Improvements
On average -85% pain
Around 20 Pain Free days
I sleep better
I have more energy during the day
I have more feelings of joy in everyday life
I run 6 miles twice a week without pain.
I can carry my kid in my arms over a mile without any pain (13 kg)
Amount and severity of arguments with wife is down -75%.

Thank you for your support!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

 

[birdsetfree]

My biggest realization is that inside I´m a very sensitive and emotional man. Before I was not allowing this since I thought it was weak and a waste of time in my pursuit of efficiency, perfection and strength. Now I´m proud of my emotional and vulnerable side, and realize it´s very human also for men and actually a strength to accept.

Beautiful! Well done on your recovery and insights. Your emotional growth and courage is impressive.

 

[hawaii_five0]

Wow this is fantastic. Great job on your effort and progress! Thanks for sharing this, it is very encouraging.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Congratulations Hedger!

Two things jump out at me.

One is the amount of work you've done in this. I think it is very important for others here to read your work list. While we can never know the amount of work it will take to improve when we start out, I think your list speaks to commitment, dedication until noticeable results are achieved.

Two is the emotional or "soul growth" work you describe. This is that ineffable, and not-expected outcome by so many that take this work to heart. Not expected, but often the more important learning as the years go by. It is different in everyone, but the deepening of awareness and kindness toward our human side seems to be a theme, and your report shows this. I hope this deepening self-contact can itself become a loadstone in your life. Often this self-attunement becomes the more normal way, and symptoms may come up when we're not in this alignment. Then we get the message and recalibrate our attention or our lives. Our life and symptoms become a dance which might catch us unaware, but for which we have the map back home.

Andy

 

[Hedger]

One is the amount of work you've done in this.

I got highly motivated in the beginning when I got so fast pain relief response to letting out emotions (crying, rage).
Also, it was possible for me to do so much so fast due to being on parental leave and my son had a lunch nap of 2 hours every day which I could spend on this alone in another room (+ some reading on evenings).
The Covid situation also minimized all other activities which helped with keeping my focus.
I would not have been able to do as much of this if I were working during the days.

Not expected, but often the more important learning as the years go by.

Indeed. Starting out my only focus was pain relief. Now I´m so curios about my psyche and emotions it in equal focus as pain relief. Realizations has already helped me grow in my workplace as well as relationships.

Our life and symptoms become a dance which might catch us unaware, but for which we have the map back home.

=)