The Game; damn, I lost! Start over

[Baseball65]

Someone asked me a TMS question in person yesterday and I realized I had lost interest in my latest distraction. I Lost "The game" but I realized I had won, by knowing I had lost. If you are not familiar with the Game, here is a brief explanation:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game) (The Game (mind game) - Wikipedia)

Then, this morning, just about to post something, I stopped, realized the contractors repairing my building made a mess and I went outside to clean it. I came in , cleaned off all the mud (it's raining) from Sophie and I, and realized I had lost the Game again...

It NEVER occurred to me until this morning that beating TMS is exactly like Playing "The Game"

The Only difference between "The Game" and TMS work, is when I know I have lost "The TMS Game" I have a way to get back to winning...that is Pg 77 of "Healing Back Pain" instruction of forcefully turning our attention to a source of recurrent irritation or rage. It was EASY this morning!

(Me) "MotherF^^kers....left a pile of subsoil Clay on my just healing lawn, didn't pack down the concrete substrate and denied knocking over the fence I KNOW they knocked over . I had to waste my Saturday fixing the fence, but can't charge my landlord my usual $ rate.....I could do this concrete work myself, but then I would break that invisible line between my landlord and I, and I will have to work for discounted rates on my day off when I'd rather be playing guitar...but I am way better than these guys and this is my house and the whole reason I wanted that concrete step is to not track mud in my house and now they have made it worse...IDIOTS !
but I am such a nice guy. (n't) I want to be master of my environment. But I want everybody to like me and I am scared."

that is a 3-4 second blast of my REAL 'repressed' emotions (not unconscious...I can't get to those, though I am sure they are first cousins...those must be REALLY mean)...I just read it back as fast as I can and that is the normal speed of my resentments and anger.


all of that....between sitting down to post, getting pissed and then realizing I had 'lost the game' because now I was paying attention to my TMS I have forgot about for 2 weeks.

If you are familiar with "The Game" that is EXACTLY how to "turn your mind". I can't believe it took me this long to see the Metaphor. It's the same strategy.

Play the game. Win the Game. Do NOT think about the game.

peace

 

[NewBeginning]

Thanks for sharing this! Sorry to hear lawn and the fence - sounds very frustrating!
Really appreciated reading your thoughts.
I'm just starting the SEP program and see apparently Day 2 will be about anger. It's interesting that this is an emotion I just can not seem to typically express/feel. Ironically, however, when the complete crash occurred initially with these symptoms and was feeling totally unsupported or heard as things got to the ultimate rock bottom, I did express so so much frustration and anger for the first time ever. People in my life were like "whoa, what is going on?" It made me feel so much worse since the issue with that is, it affected the support I received even more - ie. people were annoyed with my frustration and the cycle just continued. I've since gone back to digging around and not really finding the anger in there - more sadness and despair (which maybe has been a lifelong "acceptable" outlet?) It might also stem from growing up with a parent who expressed rage in such traumatic ways that I just didn't see the value to it? Maybe just need more ways process it - through writing, etc.
Do you feel you can express the anger easily when you are aware of it/Found ways that help with the expression of it?
In any case, just want to thank you for sharing this and the metaphor with "The Game" -- gave me a lot to think about today as I approach Day 2.
Hope your Wednesday goes well.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi @NewBeginning and welcome!

It might also stem from growing up with a parent who expressed rage in such traumatic ways that I just didn't see the value to it?

Oh, I would say that there is no "might" about it!

Not seeing the value in anger? That's an unconscious rationalization created by your TMS brain which allows you to avoid the much deeper unconscious rage that has been eating away at you since childhood.

The best advice I can give you for doing this work is to find a way to go back to the vulnerable child that you were when you had to live with this irrational parent, who should have been protecting you from trauma, not inflicting it. Your child's brain would have shut down and repressed any normal emotional response to this parental failure, just to survive. The normal emotional response would have been rage, and it's still there, somewhere.

The SEP will help if you are vulnerable and honest enough to face the truth about reality, and to trust that it's safe to be emotionally vulnerable. Do the work with self-compassion and patience, and you'll be rewarded.

 

[NewBeginning]

Hi @NewBeginning and welcome!


Oh, I would say that there is no "might" about it!

Not seeing the value in anger? That's an unconscious rationalization created by your TMS brain which allows you to avoid the much deeper unconscious rage that has been eating away at you since childhood.

The best advice I can give you for doing this work is to find a way to go back to the vulnerable child that you were when you had to live with this irrational parent, who should have been protecting you from trauma, not inflicting it. Your child's brain would have shut down and repressed any normal emotional response to this parental failure, just to survive. The normal emotional response would have been rage, and it's still there, somewhere.

The SEP will help if you are vulnerable and honest enough to face the truth about reality, and to trust that it's safe to be emotionally vulnerable. Do the work with self-compassion and patience, and you'll be rewarded.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and guidance, @JanAtheCPA. I appreciate it so much.
There are so many things coming up for me around this and definitely seems like a core issue.
It's occurring to me now as I have been contemplating this further today - that some of the anger deep inside, does seem to emerge in ways heavily directed back to myself. "why aren't you doing better?" "look at what a mess you've now made of your life by not doing everything the 'right way'" (whatever that is, I wish I knew) "you're such a f'ing mess now!"

And, yup that vulnerable child did seem to shut down and translated all of the anger into fear and sadness it seems -- soo so much of that!

Thanks again. Certainly a lot to contemplate and explore further.

 

[Diana-M]

@NewBeginning
One thing I learned in my most recent round of psychotherapy is that when your parents are abusive the only way a child translates the situation is that something is wrong with them (the child). It’s their fault; because if something is wrong with the parent, then it threatens the child’s survival. Your parents can’t be wrong. You need them too much. So you learn to blame everything on yourself. And you learn to stuff that rage deep.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Whew, so well explained by Diana.

doing everything the 'right way'" (whatever that is, I wish I knew)

Indeed, right?

Of course, as an adult you're intellectually aware that there's no such thing. Part of recovery will also include the understanding, perhaps even with compassion, that those who live like this are themselves living in abject fear, unconsciously and desperately trying to maintain control in a world in which ultimately there is also no such thing.

 

[Baseball65]

Do you feel you can express the anger easily when you are aware of it/Found ways that help with the expression of it?
In any case, just want to thank you for sharing this and the metaphor with "The Game" -- gave me a lot to think about today as I approach Day 2.
Hope your Wednesday goes well.

I don't know. Or at least I don't know in real time. I grew up extraordinarily violent and in constant turmoil. I didn't have too much TMS, but the quality of my life and those unfortunate enough to be around me, wasn't good.
I began writing as part of the 12 step recovery process and for awhile, those unbearable outbursts of anger abated....but then TMS crept in. Not a great trade, huh?

It is interesting to note, My worst TMS began when I had quit writing about resentments and anger !!!!

I was married, raising two kids, finally had a 'normal' life and told myself I was relatively happy...writing about resentment seemed redundant and boring.... No one bores me more than me. I tapered off, and then quit altogether.....OW! OW ! My back is killing me!

Ok, so I read Sarno and make this realization. I go back to writing, so I had a 'headstart' so to speak....a format which to dump my anger, rage and anxiety into. I was Still boring, but I got pain free boring.

I am not certain I have ever gotten to the 'core' issues. If they are really unconscious, who knows? Maybe I am just a dick and an angry person? But one thing regarding 'The Game" that has been the most important therapeutic part of this program for me is that page 77 of "Healing Back Pain" suggestion of 'turning our mind to a persistent source of irritation like a financial or Family problem'.

That is literally the front line of TMS...

I become aware I am in pain. my Brain is racing with reasons, local temperature, anger makers, work stuff, peculiar positions, etc.??

I turn my brain to the things that I have written about in my anger lists, and start living them in my head. Maybe I fantasize about what would happen if I really confronted the person. Maybe I fantasize about dropping my tools, grabbing my guitar and dog and walking out of my own life. Perhaps start making a list of personal reasons why I feel trapped.... (suggestions, not mandatory) I allow myself to think HORRIBLE thoughts.

..an hour passes, and I realize that my (fill in blank) no longer hurts. That is me 'losing the game' but if it starts to hurt again? Play the game...the TMS version from Pg 77. again and again and again until I forget about it because the pain is gone...

We are wired to avoid bad thoughts. We have to train and condition ourselves to do it...to paraphrase Sarno, "this sends a message to the unconscious that we know what it is doing, and the pain ceases."

That is a Good Game. and it has worked for me for 25 years or so...and I haven't punched anyone for 35 years. Not bad for a Drama queen.

 

[PainNoMore]

@NewBeginning
One thing I learned in my most recent round of psychotherapy is that when your parents are abusive the only way a child translates the situation is that something is wrong with them (the child). It’s their fault; because if something is wrong with the parent, then it threatens the child’s survival. Your parents can’t be wrong. You need them too much. So you learn to blame everything on yourself. And you learn to stuff that rage deep.

and you spend your life trying to compensate for it. trying to make it right. trying to prove yourself. so people will like you...and respect you.

 

[NewBeginning]

and you spend your life trying to compensate for it. trying to make it right. trying to prove yourself. so people will like you...and respect you.

YUP - Only to be faced with the reality of never being able to do it all "right"....

 

[NewBeginning]

..an hour passes, and I realize that my (fill in blank) no longer hurts. That is me 'losing the game' but if it starts to hurt again? Play the game...the TMS version from Pg 77. again and again and again until I forget about it because the pain is gone...

We are wired to avoid bad thoughts. We have to train and condition ourselves to do it...to paraphrase Sarno, "this sends a message to the unconscious that we know what it is doing, and the pain ceases."

Thanks for this further explanation and overview of your process, @Baseball65! It is very helpful.
I have a lot to explore.

 

[Diana-M]

I turn my brain to the things that I have written about in my anger lists, and start living them in my head. Maybe I fantasize about what would happen if I really confronted the person.

I like this idea. Further building on what you always preach (p. 77 HBP). Spend an hour doing this specifically.

I allow myself to think HORRIBLE thoughts.

I could improve on this. lol Thanks for all your help!

I wish you would write a memoir or a novel based on your life, I think it would be the least boring thing I’ve ever read.