Alex B. The difficulty of feeling emotions

This question was submitted via our Ask a TMS Therapist program. To submit your question, click here.

Question

Hi,
I'm suffering since 2 years with a terrible back/butt cheeck and i tried everything. My life is completely destroyed and i really think I have TMS. My question is really simple but i think really important. I feel I have a problem to go on with the program without an answer. I am exactly the person that Dr. Sarno described, perfectionist, good with everyone and i give everything for other people, I'm always calm for the other, always smiling, always there for everybody and i noticed i really have a lot of Anger that I never took out from my mind. Now I am doing it and I incredibly start to feel better. I realized that I am mostly really angry with all the people I love more, for example my family and my boyfriend, because i aspected from them they wouldn't have treated me so bad with all what i did for them, what i sacrificed in my life for them (really really a lot), and I am also more angry to realize that I did this to myself not to hurt them and not to loose them. But I understood suddenly that more i go inside my feeling, my Anger, more I don't want anymore to see them, to speak with them and i Know that if I would say them all what they did to me they would be angry with me not to admit that I am right or really sad to realize How I see the things because they are exactly how I am. Then i understood that the fear to hurt them or to loose them is so big as the Anger for what they did and the more important reason because I developed TMS together with that Anger. So the question: my life is destroyed by TMS, but it would be destroyed also by these feeling. Dr. Sarno write it's important to recognize this to recover, not to solve all the stress in your life, but if you recognize this how can you go on with all the people that you love and with them you want to scry and not talk any more? How can you modify the behavior, my behavior so that people can't hurt you so much? I mean, my family, my boyfriend, they are like me and they do the same mistake, they could give their lives for me and they also suffer from TMS infact. But I am so extremely there for all that also people that do the same mistake can treat me bad. How can I protect my self from this? How can i leave TMS Symptoms forever if I have this fear i cannot change this behavior?
I hope the question was clear... My english is not so good to say this things
Thank you,
Fau

 

Answer

Hi Fau,

Thank you for your heartfelt question. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. Hopefully the resources you find here on the site will be helpful. I will try to answer your question as best I can.

First I think it is important for you to begin focusing on yourself. By this I mean trying to get in touch with your feelings in the moment, as it is happening. Now this doesn't mean that if something makes you sad or angry that you need to start yelling or crying then and there. Rather, what I mean is that you need to begin practicing simply noticing how things make you feel. Weather it's pressure that you are feeling from family or loved ones to act a certain way, or the responsibilities you have in your day to day life or even the realization that you have been treating yourself poorly; all of these things will create emotional responses and you can start by trying to observe them and be present with them. Notice how they feel in your body, what it is like to simply be in touch with and experience yourself. You mentioned several times that you have a tendency to sacrifice for others and prioritize them. In order to change this you must first look to yourself and what is happening internally so that you can begin to care for yourself.

The second thing to look at is how you express and experience anger. From what you are writing, it seems that you are afraid that should you get in touch with your feelings, it would cause you to destroy the relationships in your life because you are angry with the people that you care about. This can indeed create a significant internal conflict that can perpetuate the anxiety and pressure that you put on yourself. As I said above, I think the first step is to recognize what it is that causes anger in the moment and begin to look at what you can do to change it. My sense is that there is a middle ground between bending over backwards and sacrificing yourself vs. cutting them off and out of your life. Perhaps when you recognize situations that bother you, you can speak openly about how it makes you feel and what their thoughts are? Creating boundaries that help to prioritize your own well being is a crucial aspect of taking care of yourself. It is something that everyone needs to do, for if we do not take care of ourselves, we can't truly care for those that are important to us.

By beginning to face and be present with your feelings and seeing that to acknowledge and listen to them you don't need to explode hopefully you begin to see that you don't have to be afraid of your anger or punish yourself for it. Anger is tool, a normal human emotion that helps us to see what is important to us. For you it seems important to begin making yourself a a priority. That is a reasonable goal, and one that everyone has a right to. If your family is unable to respect the fact that you need to take care of yourself, you can begin to address that with them and see where it leads. But remember that this doesn't have to be black and white, either being perfect or leaving them behind. There is usually space for compromise and discussion in these situations, and by being honest with yourself and your feelings, you will be able to take your position more confidently.

---

Any advice or information provided here does not and is not intended to be and should not be taken to constitute specific professional or psychological advice given to any group or individual. This general advice is provided with the guidance that any person who believes that they may be suffering from any medical, psychological, or mindbody condition should seek professional advice from a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions. No general advice provided here should be taken to replace or in any way contradict advice provided by a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions.

The general advice and information provided in this format is for informational purposes only and cannot serve as a way to screen for, identify, or diagnose depression, anxiety, or other psychological conditions. If you feel you may be suffering from any of these conditions please contact a licensed mental health practitioner for an in-person consultation.

Questions may be edited for brevity and/or readability.