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Book The Courage to be Disliked

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by hopeful_guitarist, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. hopeful_guitarist

    hopeful_guitarist Peer Supporter

    Has anyone out there read the book The Courage to Be Disliked? I just started the audiobook and something in it totally reminded me of TMS. The format is a skeptic debating with a wise man about the wise man's contention that the world is actually a simple place and we make it complicated. They discuss the skeptic's friend who can't leave the house because of anxiety. And then:

    Wise man: Your friend is insecure, so he can't go out. Think about it the other way around: He doesn't want to go out. So he's creating a state of anxiety.
    Skeptic: Huh?
    WM: Think about it this way: Your friend had the goal of not going out beforehand and he's been manufacturing a state of anxiety and fear as a means to achieve that goal. In Adlerian psychology, this is called teleology.
    S: You're joking! My friend has imagined his anxiety and fear? So, would you go so far as saying my friend is just pretending to be sick?
    WM: He's not pretending to be sick. The anxiety and fear your friend is feeling are real. On occasion he might also suffer from migraines and violent stomach cramps. However, these, too, are symptoms that he has created in order to achieve the goal of not going out. ​

    I look forward to the rest of the book, especially since I currently lack the courage to be disliked (a big time people-pleaser).

    Hope you're all doing well. I was a regular on this site for a couple of years but my TMS symptoms ("sciatica", back and leg pain) have been under control for almost two years now. I'm even back to weekly basketball! I wish you all the best!
    MindBodyPT, Trellis, westb and 3 others like this.
  2. Getting_Better

    Getting_Better New Member

    Ugh I hate that stuff. I wrestled with it and pondered it for years. It’s just gross victim-blaming. “You aren’t healed because you don’t want to be”
  3. Rosebud

    Rosebud Peer Supporter

    You made me curious! So why doesn't the friend want to go out then?

    I've had the opposite happen to me. Sometimes I feel like I really, really, really don't want to do something, and when I dig deeper, I find fear. Or a reason to assume it must be fear, because I can't find any other explanation that makes sense. Like for instance public speaking, let's say a speaking exercise in a language class, so no big stakes. To me, it feels like I don't want to do that, why should I have to do that, leave me alone, I'm not going to do it, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE. After a while, searching for a reason why I wouldn't want to do that thing of which I'm perfectly capable, I decide it must be fear. Because what else would it be, right? But it most certainly starts out as a case of the don't wannas!
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
    hopeful_guitarist likes this.
  4. hopeful_guitarist

    hopeful_guitarist Peer Supporter

    In the next chapter he suggests that it might have something to do with the attention/concern/worry (a reward of sorts) he gets from his parents by staying in. And then they leave that example and move to something else, so we may never know. :) (I'm only a few chapters in so far.)

    @Getting_Better - yeah, it makes me somewhat uncomfortable, too. But it struck me as related to the thinking I have to work through with TMS.

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