The absence of an empathetic witness

[feduccini]

I'm watching Dan Harris 10% Happier podcast and at around 40:20 guest Vinny Ferraro echoes something that Peter Levine says a lot: trauma is something that happens with the absence of an empathetic witness.

I've always been intrigued by this statement and never felt I got a true grasp of it. I mean, clearly the majority of us here had to cope with terrible and unfair situations, where we had no option but to numb ourselves to what was happening. Which brings a sad reality of our society that is: a lot of times we'll suffer and there won't be this empathetic person by our side.

So the empathetic witness has to be ourselves. But how? Through self-compassion, soothing techniques, allowance etc.? I practice all that but somehow I feel I'm missing something. Thoughts anyone?

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Dan Harris is terrific, @feduccini. I hadn't heard that particular phrase before, so of course I had to Google it and it's all over the place, mostly attributed to Peter Levine. Then this article caught my eye, which is all about Dr Gabor Mate's take on this same quote (the writers might be erroneously attributing it to Mate). I'm posting the link because apart from the misattribution, it's a really good reflection of the concept as well as a really good overview of Dr Mate's work in this area.
https://www.chattanoogacounselingandconsulting.com/post/gabor-matte-on-trauma

Anyway, the word I immediately latched onto is Validation. We all crave validation. Shared trauma can be a very different experience from hidden trauma, simply by virtue of the validation that exists when an experience is shared. Although, it is important pointed out that even in a shared experience, each person's perception, and their resulting response, is always going to be different.

Going back to the way that our current brains and psyches developed tens of thousands of years ago, I think that the need for validation may still go back to the essential safety requirement of being a member of the group. Our lives today are fractured and often isolated, and the proliferation of societal disruption feels very unsafe.

 

[Diana-M]

What comes to mind for me is how resilient the human spirit is. We can survive and heal from unthinkable atrocities if we are comforted and accompanied afterwards. But alone, it doesn’t get processed. It just gets stored in our bodies, to sooner or later wreak havoc.

To answer your question, Yes. I think we can witness it —even years later, ourselves, by being willing to listen to what the body is telling us. We can accompany ourselves through the healing process. There is this part of us, called the Self, that is wise and strong and can witness and heal us.

I just read some pertinent stuff about this is Chapter 9 of Crushing Doubt, by Dr. Dan Ratner. Here are some passages that really hit me:

“To fully heal, you have to accept the real and deep suffering of your story.

Recognize what the body is telling you.

Your body shows you aren’t making up a sob story. Quite the opposite: you haven’t been willing to feel your legitimate pain and suffering.

What you’re feeling now is exactly what you felt then and your symptoms won’t relent until you heed the message of your suffering.

You’re being told the full story of you for the first time.

Each horrible thing you process fully is direct information that you’ll never have to experience again.”

 

[Cactusflower]

The latest episode of The Cure For Chronic Pain (S4 E 25) discusses being the empathetic witness through journaling.
The subject of the interview recounts how she remembered being on a school bus when nobody would sit beside her. She told herself (at the time) not to cry, and just got on with her day. Journaling, she could see this abandonment, and not feeling accepted and could really empathize with that feeling - because as an adult she found out she was neuro-divergent, and that those feelings were often experienced in her life as people's reactions to her uniqueness.
Journaling paved the way.

 

[feduccini]

Our lives today are fractured and often isolated, and the proliferation of societal disruption feels very unsafe.

That reminded me of the danish idea of "hygge", a daily practice oriented towards close social interactions. As this article on Maté says, "genuine connections provide a sense of safety, validation, and understanding, facilitating the rewiring of neural pathways". I remember reading somewhere the Danes (or maybe other scandinavian people) also have the habit of helping each other for things that we'd call a service, each one with their proficiency.

“Your body shows you aren’t making up a sob story. Quite the opposite: you haven’t been willing to feel your legitimate pain and suffering.”

It amazes me how the specialists who should have the knowledge and empathy to verify that are the ones who dismiss you, only expanding the range of the trauma. That's so fucked up. And I think you're right, the witness process when we're alone in the trenches should come from giving space for the Self to show up.

The latest episode of The Cure For Chronic Pain (S4 E 25) discusses being the empathetic witness through journaling.
(...)
Journaling paved the way.

Really?? Wow, sincronicity right there
Starting it right now, thanks!!