Day 11 That other time with my eyes

When I was in grad school I started having pain in my eyes. It was like I couldn't bear to keep my eyes open, couldn't bear to read books. It was a BIG problem because I was, well, in grad school and needed to read a ton. I had also already had for years debilitating wrist and hand pain, tennis elbow, neck, and hip pain. Now I know it was all TMS. Eyes, too. (Plus brain zaps from changing an antidepressant at the time.)

I am so angry that I have so often been in situations in my life in which I have felt so trapped that my body has thrown up TMS at me. It's always something to make me freeze and not do the thing I am trying to do to move foreward with my life. And the people who were such assholes and wouldn't help me. The horrible long-distance fiance (I broke up with him later) who never came ot visit me, always let me come visit him even though I literally tied my rolling suitcase to my belt loop because I couldn't pull it (hand pain) or carry it (neck pain). I am SO ANGRY AT MYSELF for not listening to my body. It was screaming at me not to go visit him and not to ever be with this awful man. How much clearer could it have spoken to me? And now here I am trapped again in this house with these kids. I love them but I feel frozen. And when they are unhappy I am so unhappy. I am trying to build a part-time career for myself as a writer and editor and so of course I am having vision issues and neck and shoulder and facial pain. Anything to keep me stuck. Yesterday I heard that my book manuscript is going into copyediting and while I guess I felt relieved I can't feel joy about it right now. YEsterday was just apin pain pain and trying to "float" through a long day visually after less than three hours of sleep. My body did not recover last night as I had another extremely broken night with lots and lots of anxiety and horrible neck pain. I don't know what to do. We have a playdate this morning and I will do it because on I go with my life. But it's so hard at these down moments to see the way out. Lord Jesus, carry me.

I would like ot have some compassion for myself instead of all this anger. I am not bad and I am not hurting people. I am good and loved and safe. It's not all my fault. If only I could believe it is not my fault and that I'm going to be okay and that my family is safe.

 

Why is it your fault?

 

I learned that everything was my fault in my teenage years. A hard lesson to unlearn! But a false lesson.

 

Yes! I have the same thing. It’s sad!