Day 26 Talking with Mom , not

[yvettebetancourt]

My Mom is an excellent mother by every standard that exists. She is caring, always there in an emergency, always worried about us and our happiness. She has never let us down. Problem is, I don't really like her and cannot truly share myself with her. In addition to being a great Mom, she is very conservative, was very strict, narrow minded and judgmental. This has trouble me for years as I tried to enter into a more adult like mother-daughter relationship with her. I always felt slapped down when I truly shared my trials with her,and finally have given up. There were only platitudes from her.

Through my belief that my TMS was related to issues with my Mom, I sought counseling. I have learned that I have been for 45 years still seeking approval from her. My relationship with her is rather shallow, through no fault of my own. She truly cannot handle serious talks with me or anyone. So I stick to family, food, art and culture, topics which we both enjoy. Thanks to counseling, I have also started to speak up when she is trying to impose her beliefs on me and it is helping. I see the good. I see the not so good.

By just accepting the relationship as it is, and not either overestimating or underestimating it, I am finding some peace. She does love us, but hasn't had great communicative role models herself. I also have to accept that she has been right many, many times and respect her wisdom. But not beat myself over it when I do not follow it.

I am not the same Mom as her to my own kids, but can say I have inherited the loving, always there for my kids nature and avoided some of her non-communicative, narrow minded traits. I have also developed some of my own bad traits and habits with my own kids that I take full responsibility for that have nothing to do with her.

The circle of life goes on, but all we can hope is to soften and make it cozier and more loving for those in it.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi. Yvette. Your mother sounds a lot like another post person's mother-in-law.
I think you are finding the right solution... a balance of neither overestimating nor underestimating the relationship.

My older brother once told me, "I love our mother. I just don't like her." He was harder on her than I felt, but to each his own.
When I began journaling about my mom I understood her better and was able to forgive her.

I guess what I would do if I had a mom like yours is, just keep it on a non-challenging basis since that seems to be all she wants.

Most of my relatives are like your mother, they just want to talk on superficial things. It's boring to me, but fortunately I have a few friends who are like me in enjoying exchanging deeper thoughts.

 

[yvettebetancourt]

Thanks Walt. My life with friends is rich and she really just wants to be a mom, not a buddy and I can respect that. letting go of wishing it was different has been very helpful.