Day 15 Symptoms moving around

[dlane2530]

Well, yes, the symptom imperative has been playing with me almost since the beginning! I still have my biggest issues in place, but I do think they are a little better. But as I shared on another thread, I had my first big exception the night before last when the body aches left me for an hour. Pondering, I realized that I also should note that when I stopped taking Flonase after my dr told me it was just a placebo and there was no fluid in my ears, the pain did not return. I've also had new symptoms popping up and old ones from years back returning. As unpleasant as this is, I am taking it as evidence that TMS is on the run. What it's been doing for months is no longer working.

I've also been getting in touch with rage more effectively...not easy for a goodist who always keeps her anger inside. Someone on here wrote about asking God for a exception to being nice, at least in your thoughts, and that's been helping me. "Lord, I will forgive but I need to express this rage safely first so that my body will heal."

 

[dlane2530]

I want to add that it feels so good to actually acknowledge and feel rage, no holds barred. Not to discipline my feelings with caveats and "now, now." I wrote an unsent letter for the SEP a couple of days ago and both yesterday and today found myself needing to express rage further at the same person. (I mean, safely with myself but in relation to this person.) I think it may take several "sessions" of expression to empty the reservoir of rage on any particular topic. This is okay. It feels so good to do it. Yesterday I drove past this terrible optometrist's office -- the one who told me many people in my situation commit suicide (when all I actually needed was...reading glasses) -- and I hollered and laughed at him in the car. It was awesome.

Later I found myself nauseated, dizzy, shaking, and trembling. All part of this release, I think. My body being like, "What just happened? Was that really safe?"

(To be clear, I'm talking about processing rage while alone -- not taking it out on other people.)

 

[Baseball65]

"Lord, I will forgive but I need to express this rage safely first so that my body will heal."

You must be on the road to recovery because I ended up saying this same prayer as I recovered!

I actually chose one person to be the focus of my murderous rage....a guy who had recently ripped me off in a music deal. Everytime I felt any symptom, like Sarno said, I turned my mind to a recurrent source of anger (pg 77)... I would fantasize about crushing his skull with a baseball bat, shooting him, punching him repeatedly in the face while explaining his manifold sins against me.

Two things. I never ever got violent. That is what our brain is wired to fear. "If I think bad things I will go insane, become a crazy, etc" Not true.
Second, Jesus in the sermon on the mount wars us about even thinking angry things about our fellow. I had only moved towards Christianity a few years before I got TMS (noteworthy) and I am a good 'plan follower'.

So, I asked God for a Pass. "God I am asking for an extension here.... I need to get over TMS and you brought me to this solution, so I need a pass to really feel this anger"

And he gave it to me. And I got better. So will you

 

[dlane2530]

And he gave it to me. And I got better. So will you

Thank you so much for the encouragement!

God knows about anger. We know, in fact, that he feels it. I think we have to feel it/acknowledge it to then fully understand that it is actually not dangerous because we can choose not to act on it. Otherwise, it acts on us.

I was listening to Alan Gordon's phone call with Dustin about rage and doing my own exercise re: my parent along with Dustin. At the end, Dustin felt drained...but I felt fear. I think fear and anger are really tightly intertwined for me. Lots to think about here and lots to work on.

 

[Diana-M]

release, I think. My body being like, "What just happened? Was that really safe?"

So cool, Dixie! You are teaching it that it’s safe! Love all this you’re doing. @Baseball65 is the one who convinced me to ask God for a pass on the ugly raging. I was resisting. I finally accepted that I want to be healed and this is the way. Nicole Sachs (a TMS mentor; and student of Sarno) says this rage is actually coming from your inner 5 year old, so it’s not the Real You—the civilized you. God made us. He knows about the subconscious, so I figure He gets it. You are doing so great!

 

[dlane2530]

God made us. He knows about the subconscious, so I figure He gets it.

I think you are absolutely right. I am Catholic, and I will say that many saints have been absolutely tormented in their minds/interior lives. But this did not keep them from being loved and being holy/good! We cannot help what is placed in our minds as children nor can we prevent thoughts from arising even as adults. What we do with them is our responsibility, and when we "stuff" them away we treat them as dangerous -- and that is the only thing that gives them power.

God already knows about our rage and sorrow and fear. When we suppress it instead of de-fusing it, we are only fooling ourselves. Not him.

 

[Diana-M]

I think you are absolutely right. I am Catholic, and I will say that many saints have been absolutely tormented in their minds/interior lives. But this did not keep them from being loved and being holy/good! We cannot help what is placed in our minds as children nor can we prevent thoughts from arising even as adults. What we do with them is our responsibility, and when we "stuff" them away we treat them as dangerous -- and that is the only thing that gives them power.

God already knows about our rage and sorrow and fear. When we suppress it instead of de-fusing it, we are only fooling ourselves. Not him.

well said!

 

[Baseball65]

Don't ask me to quote chapter and verse, but one piece in Proverbs says something like "He who denies his anger drinks violence"
I read that after recovering and went "Yep"

 

[dlane2530]

"He who denies his anger drinks violence"

WHOA!