Symptoms Getting more Dangerous

[Miss Metta]

So last year the stomach pain - which took me off for a colonoscopy - from which I contracted pneumonia (1 in 6,000 chance, thanks, TMS) which knocked me out of 6 months, and was made insufferable by the bushfires and blankets of thick smoke that then ensued so hard to recover, immediately then, Covid-19 starts, and within weeks of me being beside myself about Covid 19, (yes, I was absolutely manic and obsessive about disinfecting, gloves and handwashing and I knew this was not a good way to be) I develop that same stomach pain from last year which ends up being acute appenditicis and I end up in hospital for 3 days on IV antibiotics and an appointment for surgery in 3 weeks.

Curiously - or not really - the whole time I had acute appendicitis, my chronic reflux disappeared. Oh yeah, I had much bigger things to focus on - like only my life, for example. Thanks to huge amounts of antibiotics, which has saved my life, the appendix has quieted down (still a bit of pain), but hey, here's reflux again. When I was in hospital I virtually lost my fear of Covid-19 - because watching and waiting for a burst appendix is far more compelling and in your face. I lost my fear of death, in some ways, partly because I was helpless. Fortunately, I am in a country that has Covid 19 relatively under control and the nurses kept reassuring me.

I suffer incredible hypervigilance and anxiety which never goes away, I meditate daily and can get into a 'safe' place and calm myself. Clearly, it's not enough.

I have done journal work in the past, which helped with the lesser TMS symptoms (which were annoying at the time but nothing like this) but I feel it's really upping the ante and the stakes and is now threatening my life with both pneumonia and now appendicitis. It is TMs? Or am I just having bad luck?

I have no doubt my extreme reaction to Covid triggered appendicitis oh, and rectal bleeding (surgeon is going to look at that, too), just to really make me terrified.

I feel like there is something evil in me that wants to kill me, which makes me sound like a nut job, I know. I'm ready to throw in the whole towel on everything and furious at the whole TMS idea because although I was initially able to resolve a lot of body pain, now I feel it's out to get me and will just keep getting worse. This is NOT the kind of symptom imperative I can tolerate!

Feel my feelings. I check in regularly, I'm not afraid to acknowledge the disgusting, angry, and selfish and bitter parts of myself and the stuff I"m 'not supposed' to think and feel. I don't spend time looking for answers anymore, I know it's a distraction, that anything can be a distraction. I know the theories. I also no longer spend ages writing in journals to dredge up stuff, in some instances it helped, but I've been screwed up my entire life and it's like my brain is so badly wired and feels so unsafe all the time (except during deep meditation)

I give up. I 'm exhausted. And yes I am feeling sorry for myself because after appendix is out, what next? What's it going to give me to distract and distress me with then?

I just needed to say that I'm exhausted and depressed and don't even want to 'fight' TMS anymore and that these illnesses are 'proof' and punishment for me wanting to be better and more than I am, for moving beyond the 'script' of weak, dependent and ineffectual'. Curiously, I note that I also get these illnesses just when I can squat 42kg on the bar, and then have to start back at zero again. It's like these illnesses are saying, "how dare you think you are strong and can lift 42kg in a squat and have pride in that, I'm going to take you down a peg for being so boastful and prideful". It may not be that, but sometimes it feels like that.

I was very gentle with my inner child while we trained out way up to 42kg - very slowly after the pneumonia. Very supportive and gentle with her, so that she didn't get scared. Did she get scared of carrying more weight, and invited in appendicitis (the doctors told me I'm not allowed to squat with weight anymore, not for a while) to stop it? Did that part of me that thinks I don't deserve to be strong or successful pull the infection trigger?
These thoughts come as I write.

I welcome insights and comments, I feel alone and bewildered and sad.
thank you
Metta

 

[Kittyruns]

Hi, Metta. I am so very sorry that you are going through all this right now. It's a very hard time for those of us with TMS. I don't have any answers for you since I am pretty new here but just know that by posting this about your specific issues and coming to this place where there are wonderful and kind people, you have definitely taken many steps in the right direction. I am also so glad that you are being kind to your inner child. That is so important. Sending hugs your way!

 

[Miss Metta]

Hi, Metta. I am so very sorry that you are going through all this right now. It's a very hard time for those of us with TMS. I don't have any answers for you since I am pretty new here but just know that by posting this about your specific issues and coming to this place where there are wonderful and kind people, you have definitely taken many steps in the right direction. I am also so glad that you are being kind to your inner child. That is so important. Sending hugs your way!

Thank you so much, Kitty, it means a lot that someone acknowledged what I am going through.
Metta

 

[Miss Metta]

Thank you, Sam. Unfortunately it's just gone from one thing to the next.
A month after I wrote my post, the appendix was removed.
In hospital, I contracted a bladder infection and had to go on IV antibiotics again, and was kept in for 4 days instead of two.
Whilst in hospital, my rabbit got sick and had to be rushed to the vet. There was nothing I could do. He survived, but but developed the same problem 2 months later and since the operation would have cost $5,000 with no guarantee to fix him and we were low on money because Covid stripped my husband of a lot of work, my bunny was euthanised.
When I came out from the operation, the fatigue was crippling. I was hit with depression again. I couldn't stop crying. I was getting flashbacks from my childhood. I could hardly do anything. It lasted three weeks.
I developed intense right hand side burning pain where my appendix used to be. It particularly flared up at night, in my sleep. I couldn't decide if it was TMS or whether something was wrong post-operation, or whether my bdy was adjusting to having no appendix. But the pain was severe. I tried not to let it worry me.
I was unable to go to the toilet, so the surgeon told me which laxatives to take.
When I saw the surgeon she said when they removed my appendix, they found a polyp on it that would have turned into cancer within about 4-5 years.
She said I had to have another colonoscopy to make sure there were no such polyps in my bowel.
But by this time I couldn't go to teh toilet at all - it had gotten worse since the appendix removal, and despite taking laxatives.
So I did another colonoscopy which is an ordeal - the fasting, drinking the horrible preparation that makes many people vomit - but it was unsuccessful. Because my bowel has basically stopped working, it didn't clean out enough so she couldn't see properly.
So I was rescheduled for another one.
Meanwhile I realised I was depressed and decided to go on antidepressants - something I've been avoiding and putting off for years.
Only a few ADs work with me, and the one I wanted to take can affect liver function. So I was required to have a liver function test beforehand. I did this, but because all my previoust LFTs were fine - except the marker for liver cancer enyzme is chronically elevated in me and the doctors don't know why - I wasn't worried.
I started taking the AD at half the recommended dose because I wanted to ease into it, and jsut in case, on the remote off-chance that my LFT was elevated.
I didn't bother to call the clinic, I knew that if something was wrong or urgent, they call you. So figured it was ok. And really, I couldn't deal with hearing anything more going wrong.
Then I had to call my Dr about something else, and I asked the receptionist about the test result. I assumed she was going to say, "all clear", but instead she said, "it's marked, "Doctor to speak to you" which usually means
something's wrong.
I had to wait 3 days for the doctor's phone call. She said my LFT came back elevated. This was weird, because I no longer drink, but she said to keep taking the AD if it was helping (it was, even at a very small dose) and to re-check the test in a month.
So then I had another month of worrying. Then I developed liver pain. I wondered if it was TMS and I told it to go away, but I was concerned so I stopped the ADs and went and had the follow up LFT. The pain went away.
This time reception rang me and said the doctor wanted to speak to me and again I had a day of worrying: doctors don't talk to you personally about your test results (reception will give you the results if all normal) unless there's an anomaly.
So I was worrying again. This time she'd also re-tested the tumour indicator enzyme as it hadn't been tested for a long time.
She called to tell me that the LFT had gone down, not UP, like I'd assumed. I'd assumed that the liver pain was indicative of even higher LFTs and that's why I stopped the ADs. I told her about the liver pain. "Coincidence" she said. She then referred to my recent CT scan which the surgeon had ordered after I reported the constant pain in my appendix area post-surgery and the chronic constipation. My doctor said that the CT scan although not dedicated to the liver, showed no abnormality, and my tumour marker had remained relatively consistent with the last 4 years so she wasn't worried.
But I was not comfortable re-starting the ADs and sunk back down again and just trying to get by.
I also developed an itchy rash inside thighs which comes and goes and again, I tell myself it's TMS, but in the end gave in and saw another doctor at the clinic and got steroidal cream for it. I used the cream once and it went away.
So then I was rescheduled for yet another colonoscopy - my 3rd in 16 months - and these scare me now because of contracting pnuemonia last year. Because the one a few
weeks ago failed, this time I was put on an extended fasting regime (normally it's about 24 hours) for 2 days and even prior to that, I cut back my food for 3 days in the hope of improving the preparation. I was feeling weak and grumpy. I was taking the recommended laxatives two weeks beforehand, and was still not going!
I started drinking that horrible prep 3 hours before time to give me time to 'clear out' or do something more if need be. By midnight I was shaking and could feel internal 'tremors' and my body starting to go into panic attack.
By 4 am the day of the colonoscopy, I was still not cleared out, though better than the last time.
The surgeon did the colonoscopy and she said my bowel prep still wasn't good. I was frustrated and upset, I'd started preparing two weeks in advance and had been food-deprived for days and had hit the point where my body was so drained and depleted (that prep scours you out and gets rid of your microbiome) that it had started go into panic attack.
I've experienced this before - panic attack due to depletion and exhaustion.

So the best she could see was there was no obvious, apparent cancer, polyps (like that which was on my appendix) or lesions. That part at least, is good.
But I have to have more tests as to why my bowel has just stopped working. It's like it's paralysed - ever since the operation - and there is little sensation.
She believes that slow-transit colon actually preceded the appendicitis, not afterward, which is what I thought, she says it's just progressed faster after the appendectomy.
It's possible the slow-transit colon CAUSED the appendicitis by faecal matter becoming trapped and infected.
At any rate, the appendectomy saved my life.
Not just from appendicitis, but from the rare cancer that was going to grow there and that would not have been detected until it had spread.
So for that, I'm grateful, and can't help wondering if my mind 'knew'about that polyp and created the appendicitis to get rid of it. Far fetched, I suppose, but I like to think it.

From a mind-body perspective, I know I've been feeling 'stuck' in two major areas of my life and not moving or resolving them for a few years.
But, I've come to the conclusion that just because you've got a TMS Hammer, not everything is a nail. I made that mistake with the initial abdominal pain; I thought it was TMS - again - but it wasn't. And I want to say that slow transit colon is TMS. But it may not be.

Oh, and two days after the colonoscopy? Feeling drained, fatigued, rinsed out...my back goes into spasm - it hasn't for a long time - TMS for sure - and I can't lift weights which I was looking forward to, and my eye has developed a twitch.

I don't react much to this " Oh, you again?"is about the extent of my reaction, though I am feeling beaten up by it all. Sorting out what is TMS from the 'real' medical stuff has become to cloudy and blurred now to feel certainty about anything. I don't feel anyone can help me or there are any answers anymore as things have moved from pains that can be diagnosed quickly with scans to issues that require invasive, long procedures and preparations and that can be life-threatening.
If I decide that slow-transit colon is in fact TMS, that would mean, according to TMS theory, stopping taking laxatives. Yet the result of that is potentially harmful to other internal organs and can cause further problems, not least of which is extreme pain from a backed up colon.
I marvel at it, really. One part of my mind says that all of this, all of it, is TMS but it's become so ingenious as to keep me in the medical loop because to not do so could have severe consequences. Has my colon gone into slow transit and lock down because my life has been in slow transit and lockdown for so many years? Perhaps. But I still have to treat it medically and herein lies the conflict.
I admit to being worn-down. I thought I had the solution when I learned about TMS. Instead, things have gotten worse and worse, as if to spite me for knowing about TMS, as if something in me is not going to give in that easily so is creating really tricky problems that can't be dismissed as a TMS pain. Ingenous. Sub-concious, I salute you wh