Symptom imperative

[cafe_bustelo]

Today I've been doing pretty well. I biked to the grocery store with a backpack on, and my backpack was slightly irritating my back, where I sometimes have symptoms. But for once I was able to really not give it any attention, I just thought, OK, I've felt this so many times before and I'm just bored of it at this point. Even though I kept feeling the symptoms, I wasn't caring what they did or how bad, or willing them to improve or anything. A few minutes later I'd forgotten about them almost entirely.

Then as I went to the checkout I started to have a moment of worry—did I get everything on the list? Wasn't there something else? And I started remembering other things I had to do—xmas shopping, packing for a trip, the holidays. Normal anxieties, but they were grabbing my attention in a nasty way in this instance.

I reached for my groceries to scan them in the self-checkout and suddenly: OW! My wrist exploded in pain. It was like the same old carpal tunnel-type feeling that I've occasionally felt as long as I can remember that goes away immediately when I flex my wrist, except this time it was particularly bad and not going away. For a second it had me completely: oh no, now I have to deal with this on top of everything else.

And then I noticed that I had actually successfully been indifferent to my other symptoms maybe for the first time ever and this was probably just my brain throwing up something else to distract me with. Sure enough, when I reminded myself that this is just another strategy of my brain's and moved my wrist around a few times, it seemed to settle. Obviously I hadn't done anything to hurt my wrist, and it's far from where my other symptoms are. I got on my bike—no pain—and rode home, and haven't felt that pain since.

My other symptoms are still bothering me of course, but I'm feeling relieved to have another piece of evidence!

 

[Joulegirl]

Symptom imperatives can be frustrating but it sounds like you have the hang of it! Just keep living life!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Nothing short of miraculous, right? This kind of experience will become your SOP eventually. Be sure to thank your brain for trying to protect you from danger, and let it know that your to-do list is really not a threat to your continued survival!

 

[cafe_bustelo]

I have a question, which may seem obvious but I haven't gotten my head around it yet:

I'm realizing that I have basically eliminated some of my worst symptoms (like sudden pains that appear and get worse/turn into a full on flare), which is great, but I still have what I would call highly annoying, but not terrible symptoms. I'm finding these harder to get rid of because they're not always front of mind, so I keep forgetting to be vigilant about telling my brain that they're not necessary.

How do you get rid of these symptoms that don't keep you from engaging in life but still wear you down over time? I'm basically back to my normal level of activity these days, but my body still feels uncomfortable *all* the time unless I'm laying in bed, and even then... I guess maybe it's my perfectionism running rampant and wanting to be all better already.

Oh, and thank you both for replying to me!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I guess maybe it's my perfectionism running rampant and wanting to be all better already.

It's not just perfectionism, which is certainly one thing that fuels the TMS brain mechanism - it's also expectations, which are actually much more deleterious to a healthy recovery.

In fact, expectations are really terrific rocket fuel for the TMS brain, because on the surface they look so good - you can fool yourself into thinking that they are helpful because they represent positive goals, right? Well, it depends on how rigid they are. Unfortunately, your TMS brain will take your expectations and turn them into rigid "must achieve" milestones that become yet another distraction to worry about when they aren't met. Which they won't be, because the truth about reality is that you can NOT determine ahead of time how long any of this will take.

Everything you experience in doing this work: all of the changes, successes and failures, progress and setbacks, will be all over the place in a more freakishly zig-zag up-and-down path than you can possibly imagine. Buckle up, sit back, and enjoy the ride, even when enjoyment is hard to hold onto. Even when things feel bleak, see if you can at least be curious about whatever is going on at any given time.

TL;DR: Give it time. I know that this is the stock answer, repeated constantly here to the point of being boring (at best; frustrating at worst) but the truth is that it's true. After all, you've really only just begun. You are undoing years of emotional distress and dysfunctional coping mechansims, and learning skills which you will use (and need) for the rest of your life. "The only way out is through" and the time it takes YOU is uniquely the time that it will take.

 

[louaci]

Symptom imperatives may also occur when one faces certain life reality, unwilling to accept it, hates it (supressed or repressed rage), unable to change it (a lot of time in the minds), feeling helpless and hopeless. The body responds with various symptoms which could drag on if the mind doesn't recognize that and faces right on. The mind may want to be numbed, frozen, or get stuck in survival mode in such life reality, automatically calling for all kinds of familiar but not necessarily helpful coping mechanisms to get by, including generating symptoms.

 

[cafe_bustelo]

Everything you experience in doing this work: all of the changes, successes and failures, progress and setbacks, will be all over the place in a more freakishly zig-zag up-and-down path than you can possibly imagine. Buckle up, sit back, and enjoy the ride, even when enjoyment is hard to hold onto. Even when things feel bleak, see if you can at least be curious about whatever is going on at any given time.

Thanks. Yes, that makes sense about expectations. It's true, I'm only on day 5 of the SEP so I'm not sure why I expect things to already be shifting. I think right now I'm going through these rapid up and down cycles of anxiety > flaring symptoms > fear > correcting the fear and remembering that it's TMS and it'll pass > symptoms go down again > anxiety returns in their absence while I'm not distracted by them. So in other words I need to keep doing the emotional work and also focus on reducing that anxiety in the first place.

 

[dlane2530]

Thanks. Yes, that makes sense about expectations. It's true, I'm only on day 5 of the SEP so I'm not sure why I expect things to already be shifting. I think right now I'm going through these rapid up and down cycles of anxiety > flaring symptoms > fear > correcting the fear and remembering that it's TMS and it'll pass > symptoms go down again > anxiety returns in their absence while I'm not distracted by them. So in other words I need to keep doing the emotional work and also focus on reducing that anxiety in the first place.

If you are just starting the SEP, expect a wild and crazy ride right now! When you face these things they will do that nutso zigzag Jan mentions. When I started the SEP I did what I know understand is a totally normal thing: had some improvement, then a big slam down, the up and down and all around and everyone here told me the same thing...because it's true. Eventually the ride gets less concerning because it becomes so obvious what's happening.

 

[cafe_bustelo]

If you are just starting the SEP, expect a wild and crazy ride right now! When you face these things they will do that nutso zigzag Jan mentions. When I started the SEP I did what I know understand is a totally normal thing: had some improvement, then a big slam down, the up and down and all around and everyone here told me the same thing...because it's true. Eventually the ride gets less concerning because it becomes so obvious what's happening.

Yes, things are weirdly shifting. I was having a couple of old symptoms the past couple days that I hadn’t had in a month. But then I just did a 1.5hr car ride and I don’t even have residual symptoms even though that used to be the worst trigger for me. Progress? Who knows. I’m just letting it happen.

 

[Joulegirl]

Progress? Who knows. I’m just letting it happen.

YES! It's progress! You are changing stuff in your TMS brain. I'm dealing with some symptom imperatives too. I'm taking notice and then going about my day like normal! You are doing great!