Interestingly I attended a series of workshops on supporting people with complex needs just recently. There was an exercise that we were asked to do, a role play. We got into groups of three. We all took it in turns to be the speaker, the listener and the observer. Speakers were asked to talk about something that bothered them or that affected them in some way. The listener was meant to use active listening skills. The observer took notes about the listener's technique. We than had a few minutes to all feedback to each other what we thought. I had the benefit of having completed similar exercises in the past and have had extensive training in interviewing and active listening skills. When it was my turn to talk, my listener continually interrupted me, anxious to put her point across and advise me on what to do. The advice itself was infuriating. It was in the same vein as telling a therapist to go and see a therapist. I didn't want to go for the juggular being the goodist that I can occasionally be. I accepted that this person didn't have the skills to really complete this exercise well. I calmly suggested that perhaps giving advice was counterproductive to listening. She accepted my comment saying she realized this was wrong and couldn't understand why she did this. She wouldn't ordinarily give advice. Fine, so point taken. Why then did I spend most off the next week fuming about the incident? I went back into work the next day and vented at two my colleagues. It took more than a cup of tea to settle me down, let me tell you. This is a real red flag for me.
Beach girl, your exercise sounds interesting. We can be good listeners but good listeners are usually good reflectors. I know I have a tendency to over-reflect and not let things go (as illustrated in the above paragraph). This is the danger. It takes practice to listen and then walk away, leaving behind the other person and their issues.
Max, it may just be difficult for that someone close to adapt to a different way of reacting. But you managed to work it out and come to an agreement. This is excellent.
