On Monday I will have surgery, they take out half of the thyroid gland. I am okay with that. But I am afraid. It’s a routine surgery. But my bladder pain peaks. It’s totally understandable, but is there anything I can do? There is a strange sort of fear in the background: that if I not fear the surgery it will not go well! Like, if I am relaxed and calm then I will be punished. I have to say that I grew up in a home with a hypochondriac father who was very often in a anxious and hysterical state, then he went to the doctor or to the ER and only after that he could calm down. I can rembember that I had to go to the doctor with him at Christmas Eve because his toenail was inflamed, although he already was on antibiotics. He needed the doctor to make him feel safe. And now I feel as hysterical as he is. Not so astonishing that I have TMS, I know. I feel so defeated by this pain. I have to tell me over and over again that also this shall pass. And that it is my mind reacting. That I learn to react differently. I thought I were already there. But since 5 weeks the TMS pain flourishes. It started because I totally overworked. And then I had been informed about the necessary surgery. First I took it cool. But since this week I really feel anxious. It’s surgery after all.