This is a difficult post to write. I am forcing myself to do it because I feel I need to as part of my recovery, not because I necessarily want to. Yesterday I was thinking about Nicole Sachs' interview (if you've been through the SEP it was part of day 38). I was struck by her honesty, specifically when she realized she had feelings of hate for her own children (please don't take this out of context - she is obviously a wonderful mother who is willing to be honest about the ups and downs of parenting and the emotions probably all parents feel at some point). Thinking of her honesty inspired me and allowed me to go deeper - then, up floated these very raw and powerful feelings of rage and fury. I could feel an internal tug of war (feel it, no push it down, no I'm going to feel it, etc), but I was able to persist and feel the feelings. It's tough feeling feelings you don't want to have - feelings you've been told all your life are "bad" or "wrong" or "not nice." Then, I said, "I don't need these feelings today" - as in, I don't need my day to get off track, the timing's inconvenient, I have other things I wanted to get done today. Then, Byron Katie came to my mind and I asked myself, "Is that true?" I said "NO" out loud and then thought, "this is exactly what I need to feel today because it is exactly what I need to continue my recovery." It was hard to go deeper then I had before and to allow these emotions to surface. I had a strong feeling that I needed to share these "bad" (from society's view) feelings. I made a commitment to myself that I would make myself vulnerable and share them with the forum because historically these are the types of emotions I would hide from others. If you read this post, I would love your support for continuing to go deep and feeling the things that run so counter to being "perfect" and "good."