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Day 9 Super Critical

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by BamBam, Oct 22, 2015.

  1. BamBam

    BamBam New Member

    I think I've always been critical of myself. I got it from my mom. I also think that my dad dying when I was young left me feeling like I wasn't good enough, which didn't help either. On top of that, being bullied and made fun of as a kid led me to always feel like someone was criticizing me. In the last few weeks I've noticed how often I criticize myself. When I'm playing music, when I'm talking to girls, when I'm in social situations, in all my relationships etc... I always feel like I have to do good so that people will like me. If people don't like me, I feel like I must not be worthy of love or feeling good. I worry about every mistake I make or might make. I beat myself up for things I did years ago that felt embarrassing or stupid. Things that nobody else cares about, but I convince myself that they do. I convince myself that the whole world is watching me and judging every little mistake I make. This leads to a lot of anxiety. It also leads to a lot of pressure thoughts- you should be practicing, you should be working out, you should become better than you are now so people will accept and love you. You have to be perfect otherwise you're not good enough. It's horrible. I no longer choose to treat myself like that. As I've said in other threads, I choose to be my biggest supporter instead of my biggest critic. We're opening up for a much bigger band all next week of our tour and it's easy for me to feel insecure or critical about my playing with all these amazing musicians around. It's easy for me to imagine the other drummer laughing and talking shit about my playing and how I need to practice more, but I have to remember that is my mind talking. It's the fear of not being good enough taking over. When I relax and love myself, I play better. I'm not worrying about every little mistake or flub I make. I'm not beating myself up days later or feeling like I should quit playing because I'm not as good as so and so musician. It means I can have fun playing music instead of just being self critical all the time. It's not always easy, but I'm taking it one step at a time.
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  2. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, BamBam. It looks like you are solving your problem yourself. Be yourself and enjoy playing in the band. Don't pressure or judge yourself and don't pay attention if others do it to you.

    I used to think I had to be entertaining when I was around people. A good friend told me not to do that but to just be myself. I found that to help me a lot and was a lot easier on me.

    "Be my biggest supporter instead of my biggest critic." That's perfect.
  3. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    This says it all.
  4. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Good work BamBam!
    Simply working with your awareness, which is acute, about how you treat yourself habitually, is a powerful way to approach TMS. Just imaging all the sadness, rage, and so on of my Inner Child as I treat myself with self-rejection helps me understand the source of pain, using Dr. Sarno's approach. Good luck!
    Andy B.

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