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Summary after 1 month and what I find unsolvable

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Ania, Aug 5, 2019.

  1. Ania

    Ania Peer Supporter

    I have decided to write this summry post as I stucked and am not sure how to proceed further.
    Shortly - my story is two years lasting low back pain which I developed after quitting bad job position which was overwhelming me.
    I tried a lot of therapies which didn't help. I was told that my problem is L4-L5 disc.
    I tried also steroid injection which released my pain (not fully) for some weeks, but few days after the injection I developed hard neck pain.

    After 3 weeks of doing SEP program, and about 1 month after reading Dr.Sarno book:

    Good things:
    - I got rid of neck pain
    - My low back is better, I can sit normally even on soft surface
    - My movements look more normally (my husband says so)

    Bad things:
    - I still have low back pain in different situations - especially when trying to be active. The more active I want to be, the worse it is.
    - I tried to resume running - I react with terrible pain even when planning to put my sport shoes on! Despite this I went out several times, telling myself that it is good for me. But at the moment it is so unpleasant experience.
    - I feel more depressed and I feel anxiety very often - maybe this is a result of journalling, thinking about my emotions, and all sad things. Result of digging into all those psychological stuff.
    - I developed dizziness in last few days (but this can be due to medicines I got from my gynae as I am preparing myself to small medical treatment).

    And now the most difficult part:
    after those weeks of journalling I found out that my biggest problem is actually problem of my husband.
    Other problems were coming and going and I feel I solved them, or I am able to do so, or at least not to worry about anymore. But this one in unsolvable.
    I was thinking a lot before putting it here, but I have nowhere else to go with it.
    We are together 20 years, and we love each other. We have kids, house, money, we both are healthy (except my back pain) - everything perfect, except one thing:
    My husband has terrible low self-esteem. He is always unhappy about his work, always thinks that others (men) are smarter, more intelligent etc. I think the root reason is his very difficult relation to his farther.
    Objectively his career is going fine, he earns good money, have successes etc. But he is completely blind to this facts.
    And whole 20 years, each day I am listening to his problems when he comes home. I was trying so hard to support him, to advice, to listen and understand, to shake him sometimes.
    I encouraged him to thinks like building a house for us (it was his idea but he didn't believe he can manage) and to engage in sport he was dreaming about as I thought that when he will make something meaningful he will believe in himself more. It worked, but for a short time only.
    Now I am completely exhausted. I know I cannot help him, as he just wants (somehow) to be in his problems. He doesn't listen to any advises.
    On the other hand I feel that my problems are pushed aside. He is so deeply settled in his feeling, that there is no space to talk about mine. Even I do not want to start discussion, because it always turns to his issues and takes me down.
    Don't take me wrong: he is a good man, taking care of kids, etc. But our life is simply sad. And I feel hopeless, as I see he is suffering, but how can I help him as he doesn't want to help himself.
    I cannot just forget it, as he reminds me about his problems every single day, after he comes from work.
    On one hand I feel pity for him, on the other I have great rage, that he does not notice how much he is overwhelming me with his problems, that he puts so much weight on my shoulders, and doesn't see that I am not able to carry it. That he doesn't have a single smile or joke for me. Never tries to impress me like usually men tries to impress their women, instead he is trying to convince me every day that I've married a looser.
    I'll be grateful for any advice, please.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2019
  2. HattieNC

    HattieNC Well known member


    I can so relate! I don't want this to become a spouse bashing thread - but suffice it to say, I've been married to an extremely negative person for over 30 years. In the beginning, his grousing was kind of cute. Sort of a grumpy old man in a 26 year old body. But, that cuteness wore off pretty quickly. If your husband is open to counseling, I would definitely suggest that. His emotional neediness drains you physically and mentally, which it turn causes internal conflict and rage. This is a selfish and narcissistic way to treat someone who loves you.

    Secondly, please practice self-care! I've become pretty adept at turning my hearing off when his complaining reaches beyond my tolerance level. Plus, there's always the option of leaving him at home and doing something fun or relaxing on your own. Which is exactly what I did yesterday. I spent a wonderful day in the mountains completely alone with a book and a picnic lunch. I was honest with my husband that I needed a day long break from his complaining and whining. He apologized when I got home. Perhaps, absence does make the heart grow fonder. But the real key is honest communication between the two of you.
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2019
    Ellen likes this.
  3. Ania

    Ania Peer Supporter

    Hattie, thank you for your reply, good to know that I am not alone :)
    Unfortunately, my husband is not open to counseling, nor any good (in my opinion) advice from my side. I gave up!
    I came to a conclusion, also thanks to this TMS forum, that I can only change myself and influence myself, my way of thinking and reacting. There is no way to change others, the same as no doctor can heal my own back pain.
    Anyway is hard to balance. I do not want to be untouched. It's so hard to tell "Sorry my dear, I have enough for today. Can we please talk about something else?". I know that it is not that I'll tell it once and he'll stop. He will not, as this behavior became his deep habit. I would need to repeat it every time, and that will make me fill uncaring, unmoved and responsible for worsening his mood.
    But yes, there is now other way than try to relax, care of myself. Doing what I used to do, I am not helping him and I bringing myself down. So not helping anybody. I'll try to take your good advice!
    HattieNC likes this.
  4. HattieNC

    HattieNC Well known member

    Dan Buglio has a private Facebook group called Pain Free You. In this morning's video episode called "Why Gratitude Works: Neuroplasticity" he addresses how the brain can be wired for negativity. I thought about you while listening to it. I can't provide a link because it is a private group - but if you have access to Facebook, you can join. If Dan is perusing this forum perhaps he will provide a link. I think you will find this (and all his videos) very helpful.

    There's a line between being a supportive spouse and being a receptacle for someone to dump their toxic waste. Only you can draw that line but I'm happy to provide support while you navigate. Feel free to private message me if needed.
    Ellen likes this.

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