Suicide

I remembered about suicide today. It had become a distant memory since I became a father and no longer an option.

It’s upsetting that I know if I hadn’t become a father I wouldn’t be here anymore.

I’ve had counselling. Tablets. Etc etc.

They say “talk to somebody” so I told my doctor who was absolutely clueless (surprise surprise) and gave me a prescription and added to an 18 month waiting list for more counselling.

I told my Dad who said I need to get on with it, everyone has problems and people think I’m a hypochondriac.

Anyway, don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess if I have any advice for people with severe depression and suicidal thoughts it is to speak to someone, but choose somebody who you know will be compassionate and empathetic. Unlike my moronic doctors and ignorant father.

 

What is one thing you are grateful for today?

 

Erm family

 

@patrickj, I am so sorry that you suffer this way. I don't have answers. Though I myself want to live, it's the specter of unavoidable death, as well as the suffering that accompanies so much of life and fear of what may come after death, that make life so difficult sometimes. Our poor minds and hearts experience such different things than others do, and I don't think anyone can know how the combination of one's own makeup and one's upbringing and life circumstances collide to produce our outlook, mood, and will to live. All of that is to say that I offer you empathy. I have lost a brother and a sister to suicide. Both times, I should have seen it coming and didn't. I have no bitterness toward or blame for them for what they did, but it was and is a horrible thing to those left behind. People say it, and it's true. I want them back so much. Interestingly enough, neither of them had children so they did not have that stopping them as you do. Like I said, I have no answers. I am sorry that you are suffering.

 

I guess that's one reason we're here, Patrick, so you have a place you can let this stuff out even if there's not much else we can do. And I appreciate you for remembering others who are suffering as well.

I have this memory from months ago suggesting that you write an "unsent letter" to your father - did you ever do that? How about writing to your wife and kids as well? Remember: these are never to be sent, the only place they will go is the bin. Maybe the fireplace.

When you write to your wife and kids, include the bad stuff like your frustrations and resentment about the obligations of marriage and childcare, all the bad shit that you feel alongside the love and joy.

Negative and positive emotions always exist at the same time in family dynamics. This is completely normal in all family relationships, without having to be dysfunctional and abusive like your own childhood family was.

Question: have you ever explored fear about your childhood experience affecting your current family? That's got to be a factor in your emotional distress, or am I totally off base?

I know you're suffering, Patrick. You are a victim of your childhood. But holding on to victimhood and resentment is not the path to recovery, it's the exact opposite.

 

Thanks Jan.

Yes I did a few unsent letters to my dad and also to my mum. I’ll probably try journaling again soon and will try to my family as well.

Regarding your question no I haven’t, I don’t think it affects my family. But maybe… who knows. I would have liked the TMS / SIRPA therapist to have uncovered this kind of stuff but she failed.

I’m genuinely feeling like I’ll never get better now. And that my problems aren’t TMS at all but my body is simply weak. The doctors say I have fibromyalgia now and they’re right. Maybe it’s not TMS. It’s Easter weekend here and quite nice weather. Everyone is so happy and out and about. I feel battered. I have so much house work to do. And music I need to work on. I put everything off to “work on my health and TMS” etc with the hope I’ll get better and can crack on. But nothing works as you know.

Let’s see how my sessions go next week. I am tempted to try the CFS school thing which is all nervous system retraining etc. I’m also open to working with another TMS practitioner.

 

What about today? What are you grateful for today?

 

Family I guess… can’t think of much else sorry

Did you have chronic pain and get better with TMS methods?

Oh actually I’m grateful for my vision because I nearly blinded myself when I was a kid playing with fire.

 

Yes, but I'm not going to talk about it.

I use different modalities: meditation, positive affirmations, living in the present, working out, a healthy diet, not talking about it, living life as if I'm perfectly fine.

 

Thanks for the info - And are you pain free / much better?

 

Wrong question, patrick! That's your obsessive fearful brain looking for reassurance that will mesh with your experience, which is always an exercise in futility, because your brain will reject any answer you receive as not relevant. In the meantime you're just spinning your wheels, although you think you're accomplishing something by asking questions like this.

@Sita has already provided an excellent answer, which is "living life as if I'm perfectly fine". Living as if we are perfectly fine is obviously far better than wherever we were at before we figured this out, but I get that this is a bit subtle. The main problem is that "Better" along with "Success" are highly individual and subjective. There is no way to measure them, which means (and I realize that I'm repeating myself) that even if you get an answer, your obsessive and fearful brain will not accept the answer as relevant for you. I've seen this so many times over the last 11+ years, that I know this is what your brain will do (and has done, repeatedly) because that is where you are at. Your road is much harder than that of many others, but I still believe that you could achieve some level of recovery, which is always better than zero level of recovery, right?

I came to the realization that I was born with anxiety and had it for all of my 60 years "before Sarno" and that I will always be battling it and TMS symptoms to some extent. But that's okay, because, with the exception of not talking about details (maybe you've noticed, haha) I do the exact same things that @Sita does: mindfulness/breathing (in place of meditation), living in the present, working out, healthy diet, and, most importantly, giving no traction to symptoms and living my life as if I'm perfectly fine - because I am, even on days when I'm not feeling it. I also have to accept and give aging its due - even so I'm in waaaay better mental and physical shape at 72 than I was at 60. Heck, three years ago I developed stress-based RA at age 69, but thanks to more exercise, less sugar, and, most importantly, eliminating some significant stressors, it's so well under control (based on my last four quarterly blood tests as well as my subjective experience) that I'm going to ask my rheumatologist if we can reduce my methotrexate dose (which was never at the max)(4/12 update, he said yes). I attribute this to my TMS knowledge and practices, combined with the ability to eliminate the main stressors even though the goodist in me did not want to, because I had to acknowledge the detrimental effect they were having, and continued to have after the diagnosis.

 

@patrickj - now is a time to be kind, compassionate, and loving towards yourself. Comfort yourself for the difficult feelings you're experiencing. You have a right to feel the way you do.

 

So this is a tough one, and I was purposely being a bit obscure in the way I asked about this. Since you responded with a maybe, I will be more blunt. My question isn't about the effect of your childhood on your new family. I'm asking about YOU, and what I'm wondering is if you might be unconsciously living with a deeply repressed fear - terror, really - that you will somehow inflict the same experiences on your own children.

 

Better but not pain free. What has changed is my ability to deal with the pain, so it doesn't affect my daily life.
For me, the postings made by baseball65 were helpful.