Such Self-hate at times

At times I have such intense hate for myself. I know this must not be the right way to feel. Today I was reprimanded by a friend telling me I was rude. I explained my actions to him saying I apoligized to him because it was not intentional. we were playing a sport called pickleball.

I am so angry at myself for being so demoralized by such a minor misunderstanding. I apoligized to others that may have been offended. I know my fear of rejection is so overpowering. I was 'not perfect.'

i journal but find I have so much self-hate for being so weak. I want to run away and hide and never participate in this sport again. The 'dark cloud' starts to float back into my head. I hate caring so much about what others think of me. Why can't I be self-confident and mentally strong? I know I have to deal with being a TMSer all my life. It is sure exhausting.

 

Hello Stella. You can be self-confident and mentally strong! I also suffer tremendously from this internal bully. I have come to realize that the behavior is so automatic and ingrained that it is really difficult to completely stop from doing it. But I have gotten much better at recognizing when I am doing it, and I am getting quite a bit better at not beating myself up over beating myself up. For me the trick is to take a step back when I feel really bad and recognize that I am being hard on myself. Then I find a way to exercise self kindness, even if it does not feel genuine. One trick I use is to think of myself as my daughter and what I would say to her. She is also unreasonably hard on herself at times and it is so frustrating to watch. Perhaps there are people out there who are not critical enough of themselves, I don't know, but I do know that we can be so self critical that we never need to worry about being too kind to ourselves! It doesn't just happen though, you have to practice it. Who knows what motivated your friend to tell you that he thought you were being rude. But I am sure an apology telling him it was not intentional was more than enough. I bet if he had any idea how much self hatred it was going to activate in you, he would have chosen his words much more carefully! We can't control the things people say and do, but we can work on not overreacting and beating ourselves up too much when we do have a reaction to something. I work very hard at my job and really care about our clients, working tirelessly to help them every way that I can. We work with the elderly and there are all kinds of family dynamics. There have been a number of times when a client or their children misinterpret events. There are lots of reasons for this, perhaps someone is being overprotective of a family member and are acting out of fear, or they are taking the word of a dementia client because they are in denial over their condition. These misunderstandings used to devastate me. I could not stand my motivations being misunderstood and questioned. I would loose sleep and feel terrible for days. But now I am getting much better at not allowing these misinterpretations to weaken my sense of self. I choose to direct my efforts toward those that appreciate them. Most of the time we don't really know what others think of us. We tend to deemphasize love and support and focus on any little thing that supports our potential negative self image. Your friend might have been feeling bad about his own performance, who knows.
The more you practice being kind and generous to yourself, the easier it will get. And the less you will tend to give yourself such a hard time over things like this.

 

Hi Stella,

Anne has written such a great post above that there is nothing I can add, except to say that I, too, have a very harsh inner bully that is hard to silence and live with. Like Anne, I'm getting better at catching myself being hard on myself, and to counter this with kindness and compassion. Still, the inner bully always speaks up first and loudest. I suppose it just takes time.

Awareness is always the first step. Practicing mindfulness helps, too, since whatever happened that triggered the inner bully is in the past and can be let go.

 

Thank you both for your responses. I was so embarrassed and humiliated when he said this in front of my friends. I know our emotions are so strong and to an extreme. And my reaction over the top inside my own head. He did apologize as we were leaving. I need to accept his apology and forgive him and move on. AND, BE KIND TO MYSELF.

 

I searched the TMS search engine for "self hatred" this afternoon after a storm of negativity flooded me mid-morning.

Of course it did. I turned off my alarm - it was Sunday morning, for godssake, and I skipped my regular 90 minute hot yoga class.
Did 30 minutes of yoga at home, did the weekly marketing, felt all kinds of tension building and self hatred chatter building. I took a grumpy hot bath and made our holiday travel reservations, taking the actions that my normal self would take. (-:
It's still not enough. Enough to quiet the self hating bully that is so much darker than anything I actually encountered as a child in my family. Tho one neighborhood kid qualified as the tortured hater...perhaps I internalized him?
I try to use the hatred as a red flag calling me into the TMS pit stop of lovingkindness but today it was so palpable and ...reasonable. It just felt so true!
I know that this hatred is undeserved. I call it a trance of self-hatred from which I must awaken before it gains momentum.
That's why I'm here and writing.
This level of vulnerability always breaks the trance and stops the pain's momentum. Hot bath as an rx is nice but this TMS recovery process is a cognitive restructuring function that must be practiced over and over again.
I think I may have just reached another level of TMS acceptance.
The work is never done. It gets so much better. I did tell my unconscious that I was willing to feel anything emotionally to stop feeling physical pain. Since then I have encountered some really dark stuff!
I wish we had a face2face group. I know the chat on Saturday's is available but feel as if the intimacy of a regular meeting would be something therapeutic!
Thanks for hearing my vulnerability.

Peace.
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With all that you revealed in your glorious vulnerability ... what you revealed most was your radiance and compassion and your blazingly beautiful heart.

.... always with Love and Gratitude ^_^