Struggling

[blake]

Hi all,

Feeling a lot of sadness right at the realization that for the longest time I've treated myself as a second-rate citizen. I have made everyone else's needs and wants more important than my own, whether it's with family, friends and even my clients.

I wasn't always this way. There was a time in my life when things were about me. I was working on myself, had a wonderful therapist who was helping me recover from my childhood trauma and was busy reaching my personal goals. Even though I had lots of emotional issues to work on, I still felt free and happy most of the time and I did not have any pain. I also had friends who accepted me for who I was.

All of this changed when I got married and moved to a different city. My husband's family was opposed to our marriage and treated me and both of us with extreme disrespect (and still do). Instead of standing up for myself, I went into extreme people-pleasing mode. I pretty much completely killed off the person that I was slowly becoming. This didn't trigger physical pain right away, but rather depression and anxiety. The physical pain came 2 years after I had my son. The pressure of all these unresolved problems + becoming a mom really took its toll on me. Too much pressure, too little support.

I'm trying so hard to rebuild my life, but it is so difficult. I feel so much regret and sadness. I've realized too that I really need to reach out and get help. I've been getting the feeling lately that I've done all I can do to recover on my own.

Thanks for letting me vent...
Blake

 

[Ryan]

Sadness is ok it's part of life. I have been grieving a lot at the end of my healing. You are processing emotions and everything is going to be ok. There is nothing to regret in your life, there are some things that need to be let go and forgiven.

When I get worse i look at it as a sign I'm getting better. All those unconscious emotions are coming out. Pain and suffering make you grow as a person if used correctly. Life will never be perfect that's the evolution. It's how you react to tough times and stress that you can change. What your currently getting in life and where you think you should be, there is your tension.

You are on the brink of something great, hang in there. You have found some more triggers in your life and know what you need to work on.

Wishing you the best of luck. Get off your own back and go live life. Your being so hard on yourself and the pressure is mounting up. Give yourself compassion and patience, we all need that. We are what we believe.

Ryan

 

[blake]

Thank you, Ryan. I re-read my post after reading your comment about the fact that I was being hard on myself. You are right on about that!! I had no idea I was doing that to myself. My logic goes something like this: If I hadn't made so many mistakes, I would not be in this predicament right now. That's pretty harsh, none of us always make the best decisions when we're in our early 20s, right?

Thank you for your kind words. I can do this.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Blake

I agree with Ryan that you need to have your inner bully let up on you.
Maybe even write down a list of things you have done for others that you can be proud of.
You need to remind yourself that you are really a great person.
Try to just ignore those who think otherwise of you. They're probably not very nice.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

If I hadn't made so many mistakes, I would not be in this predicament right now.

Hi Blake,
How many times when we see more truth in our lives the Inner Critic piles on?! It seems that is the way we are constructed. But it doesn't add anything to the insights we are having, does it?

Tell it to get lost!!

You are attuning to yourself, your needs, your history. What a tender post you made. I hear a lot of self compassion in it, but perhaps the Superego is blocking your awareness of this kindness to yourself. Our inner love is more subtle than the harsh self-rejection. Sadness may open the way to more tenderness. You are being kind by being real with the suffering you have undergone.

I've realized too that I really need to reach out and get help. I've been getting the feeling lately that I've done all I can do to recover on my own.

This is part of the way your self-compassion is coming through. I hear wisdom and attunement here...

I send my support.

Andy B.

 

[blake]

Thank you for all your kindness, Andy, Walt and Ryan.

It's the goodist/perfectionist in me that hates the fact that I didn't get it right when I was younger. But so what!? That's what I am starting to say to my inner bully and it's helping tremendously. It's good that I'm feeling compassion for the young woman that I was. I didn't know any better back then and that's ok. I have tms now, and that's ok too. I'm working on it the best I can and I'm learning how to better handle people and situations right now, day by day. I will recover.

My sadness has lifted after writing this thread and reading and thinking about the wise advice. It made me realize too that I still need to work on overcoming shame about asking for help (more inner bully stuff), because reaching out is just so darn helpful. I keep forgetting that.

And here's something I'm proud of these days : I've decided to stop visiting my in-laws (the critical ones) until I'm feeling better able to stand up for myself. In other words, I'm no longer going to put pressure on myself about spending time with them. I'm so relieved and happy about this; I feel like I've won the lottery!

Thank you again, my friends!
Blake

 

[Andy Bayliss]

It made me realize too that I still need to work on overcoming shame about asking for help (more inner bully stuff)

Hi Blake,
That above is a huge insight. How wonderful to see this so clearly how shame tends to block you from reaching out. Now you know the pattern, and it can't blind side you as easily.

I've decided to stop visiting my in-laws (the critical ones) until I'm feeling better able to stand up for myself. In other words, I'm no longer going to put pressure on myself about spending time with them. I'm so relieved and happy about this; I feel like I've won the lottery!

This seems like a huge breakthrough. It really feels like your self-compassion--and strength is emerging! Bravo. When I read this post, I wonder how much this strength and clarity around your relatives comes from working more skillfully with the Inner Critic. It seems that the Inner Critic really adds a lot of confusion, as well as the pressure to do what you don't want to do. And I want to add that "until I am better able to stand up for myself" sounds like you are being very real with yourself.

Andy B.

 

[blake]

Hi Andy,

The Inner Critic certainly does keep me confused. I think it has kept me from recognizing that my in-laws' behaviour toward me was and is downright abusive. It is occuring to me that I still blame myself for the situation. I think I have a way to go on this issue before I can find closure.

Thank you, Andy for your feedback.