I'm on Day 5, and I've had some successes, which I'm really quite excited about. But I've also had some setbacks and am dealing with the fear, stress, and anxiety that they bring about.
-We had to put one of our cats down on Wednesday. He wasn't old, but he did have an inoperable mass that wasn't discovered until it was too late. I was frustrated because we'd taken him to an emergency vet weeks ago and they did some very expensive x-rays and ultrasound, but didn't find that mass. I don't know that the outcome would have been any different for him, but losing him hurts all the same. And, of course, it brings up those feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness that I struggle with pretty much constantly.
-After being on sabbatical for several months, I am soon returning to my teaching duties and having to submit the results of my research. The problem, of course, is that I spent so much time dealing with my back pain that I've done precious little research and almost no preparation for my return to teaching. There are those feelings of worthlessness again.
-And my business is failing. Again. Still. We've been open for over 5 years and have never shown a profit (other than two or three months over the years and those have been less than $300). I had to sign a personal guarantee on the lease, so if the business goes our landlord can come after my personal property and garnish my income. And he likely will.
-I am traveling this weekend to spend time with my sisters. One is older and the other was an Ancestry DNA surprise. Apparently, my father had a better time in Viet Nam than he let on all those years ago. I'm excited, of course, but also nervous. My older sister can be a bit mean sometimes (and we have serious baggage from our childhood) and I don't know enough about my new sister to know, really, what to expect.
So, my back is hurting. Logically, rationally, I know it's TMS, but I'm struggling with really feeling it enough to successfully deal with it today. So, after a few good days, I guess I chalk this up as a bad day.
-We had to put one of our cats down on Wednesday. He wasn't old, but he did have an inoperable mass that wasn't discovered until it was too late. I was frustrated because we'd taken him to an emergency vet weeks ago and they did some very expensive x-rays and ultrasound, but didn't find that mass. I don't know that the outcome would have been any different for him, but losing him hurts all the same. And, of course, it brings up those feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness that I struggle with pretty much constantly.
-After being on sabbatical for several months, I am soon returning to my teaching duties and having to submit the results of my research. The problem, of course, is that I spent so much time dealing with my back pain that I've done precious little research and almost no preparation for my return to teaching. There are those feelings of worthlessness again.
-And my business is failing. Again. Still. We've been open for over 5 years and have never shown a profit (other than two or three months over the years and those have been less than $300). I had to sign a personal guarantee on the lease, so if the business goes our landlord can come after my personal property and garnish my income. And he likely will.
-I am traveling this weekend to spend time with my sisters. One is older and the other was an Ancestry DNA surprise. Apparently, my father had a better time in Viet Nam than he let on all those years ago. I'm excited, of course, but also nervous. My older sister can be a bit mean sometimes (and we have serious baggage from our childhood) and I don't know enough about my new sister to know, really, what to expect.
So, my back is hurting. Logically, rationally, I know it's TMS, but I'm struggling with really feeling it enough to successfully deal with it today. So, after a few good days, I guess I chalk this up as a bad day.
