johnnyblotter
New Member
Hi all,
I'm struggling to accept a TMS (self) diagnosis. I've been suffering from what could be called levator ani syndrome, chronic non-bacterial prostatitis/pelvic pain, etc with only one real symptom...a nasty muscle spasm and buzzy feeling way in the back right of the rectum. It just feels like there's a stuck muscle and nerve and no matter what I do (mindfulness, paradoxical meditation, restorative yoga, stretching, internal therapy, long walks, restorative exercise, etc) I can't seem to do much to improve the condition.
My list of prior injuries is a mile long...I had urethral stricture surgery at ages 13, 15, and 24. Initially as a kid I was peeing blood and it hurt to pee..this went on for years. Surgery didn't really help until the last one, at age 24, when the urologist followed it up with weekly cysoscapies over a few months (fun!). At age 19 I suffered terrible sciatica, which I resolved at the time but ended up having surgery for at age 36 (tried to Sarno it, but didn't work...was told afterward there was a chunk of disc sitting against the nerve). I had inguinal hernia surgery also at age 36. From ages 29-34 I was hospitalized against my will for bipolar mania every year, for two weeks each time. On top of this I suffered hyperacusis after a broken eardrum that plagued me for two years, but I got out of it using TMS-like therapy. Finally I suffered a paralyzed arm from the elbow down after a fall which resulted in nerve damage..it thankfully got better in 6 months as the nerve healed.
So it's no surprise that my nervous system has been running improperly forever, and I've gone to extreme lengths to calm myself down, but I just can't resolve this issue. The troubling part of it for me is that I experienced a muscle pull in the exact area that I have problems with...during masturbation in a cold apartment I just felt the muscle "zip" into a weird area...I can only guess it was an extreme muscle spasm.
I suppose the way I should think of it is just like a muscle spasm that can cause so much back pain ( as Sarno talks about) and that the body should be able to heal it, but my mind is preventing the tension from releasing due to unresolved anger and the constant presence of fear.
The fact that it feels like a walnut is shoved up there and feels stuck and buzzy and nasty makes it really hard to accept this diagnosis... I can't help but think when the muscle spasm happened, some muscle got stuck behind the prostate or some nerve was irritated, or the muscle just zipped into an impossible knot. I also experience the discomfort constantly. It does wax or wane over time, and it slowly (glacially) improves and sometimes I notice it quite a bit less if I'm engaged in something else, but it never is gone, and it never moves around either..(well..slightly, but it always stems from the exact same place). It's hard not to attribute the waning of symptoms to just the brain having more distraction (a good conversation or something..etc).
I've gone so far down the physical therapy route to no avail (besides a heavily depleted bank account) and I'm very aware that I have a lot of unresolved anger from childhood. I'm steadily working through Unlearn Your Pain and I also just started psychotherapy with a colleague of Alan Gordon's. I'm realizing that I have a lot of fear that I carry around with me everywhere and this was an important realization to make. But I gotta say I'm struggling, really just struggling. My freelance work has really dipped and I've almost just stopped working to try to make progress with my health. And the thought of re-starting my business just adds to the crap pile.
The idea just looms that some part of the pelvic floor is stuck to a surgical adhesion from the hernia surgery...or some other insidious sounding scenario. So it's really rough. Feeling pretty down today, upset that the "success" stories for pelvic pain, while they exist, are so few in number. This thing is a nasty beast.
I apologize for this long rant and am highly appreciative of anyone who has any comment to offer. I am currently in psychotherapy with a colleague of Alan Gordon's. Thanks.
I'm struggling to accept a TMS (self) diagnosis. I've been suffering from what could be called levator ani syndrome, chronic non-bacterial prostatitis/pelvic pain, etc with only one real symptom...a nasty muscle spasm and buzzy feeling way in the back right of the rectum. It just feels like there's a stuck muscle and nerve and no matter what I do (mindfulness, paradoxical meditation, restorative yoga, stretching, internal therapy, long walks, restorative exercise, etc) I can't seem to do much to improve the condition.
My list of prior injuries is a mile long...I had urethral stricture surgery at ages 13, 15, and 24. Initially as a kid I was peeing blood and it hurt to pee..this went on for years. Surgery didn't really help until the last one, at age 24, when the urologist followed it up with weekly cysoscapies over a few months (fun!). At age 19 I suffered terrible sciatica, which I resolved at the time but ended up having surgery for at age 36 (tried to Sarno it, but didn't work...was told afterward there was a chunk of disc sitting against the nerve). I had inguinal hernia surgery also at age 36. From ages 29-34 I was hospitalized against my will for bipolar mania every year, for two weeks each time. On top of this I suffered hyperacusis after a broken eardrum that plagued me for two years, but I got out of it using TMS-like therapy. Finally I suffered a paralyzed arm from the elbow down after a fall which resulted in nerve damage..it thankfully got better in 6 months as the nerve healed.
So it's no surprise that my nervous system has been running improperly forever, and I've gone to extreme lengths to calm myself down, but I just can't resolve this issue. The troubling part of it for me is that I experienced a muscle pull in the exact area that I have problems with...during masturbation in a cold apartment I just felt the muscle "zip" into a weird area...I can only guess it was an extreme muscle spasm.
I suppose the way I should think of it is just like a muscle spasm that can cause so much back pain ( as Sarno talks about) and that the body should be able to heal it, but my mind is preventing the tension from releasing due to unresolved anger and the constant presence of fear.
The fact that it feels like a walnut is shoved up there and feels stuck and buzzy and nasty makes it really hard to accept this diagnosis... I can't help but think when the muscle spasm happened, some muscle got stuck behind the prostate or some nerve was irritated, or the muscle just zipped into an impossible knot. I also experience the discomfort constantly. It does wax or wane over time, and it slowly (glacially) improves and sometimes I notice it quite a bit less if I'm engaged in something else, but it never is gone, and it never moves around either..(well..slightly, but it always stems from the exact same place). It's hard not to attribute the waning of symptoms to just the brain having more distraction (a good conversation or something..etc).
I've gone so far down the physical therapy route to no avail (besides a heavily depleted bank account) and I'm very aware that I have a lot of unresolved anger from childhood. I'm steadily working through Unlearn Your Pain and I also just started psychotherapy with a colleague of Alan Gordon's. I'm realizing that I have a lot of fear that I carry around with me everywhere and this was an important realization to make. But I gotta say I'm struggling, really just struggling. My freelance work has really dipped and I've almost just stopped working to try to make progress with my health. And the thought of re-starting my business just adds to the crap pile.
The idea just looms that some part of the pelvic floor is stuck to a surgical adhesion from the hernia surgery...or some other insidious sounding scenario. So it's really rough. Feeling pretty down today, upset that the "success" stories for pelvic pain, while they exist, are so few in number. This thing is a nasty beast.
I apologize for this long rant and am highly appreciative of anyone who has any comment to offer. I am currently in psychotherapy with a colleague of Alan Gordon's. Thanks.
