Struggling with many issues

[StrappingStanley]

Hey guys,

first, I would like to thank everyone who responded to my first post. It was greatly encouraging, and I won’t forget that.

But right now I’m struggling with a lot of minor things. I really have no idea of how to address them.

For the first Week of Journaling my emotions the pain went away pretty much entirely for two full days straight, and my mind was blown. I thought I was basically cured, but then the pain shot directly into my foot, I saw as a good sign because will jump around, trying to find a new way to distract you.

Then the next day I woke up and the pain in my back was back and as bad as it’s always been and it’s been like that for the last five days. Whenever the pain is in my back, the foot pain is gone. I have been journaling every day writing down things that could be bothering me. Things have bothered me in the past. A lot of trauma growing up, I’ve written down over and over, There is a part in the book that says that people with particularly bad childhood trauma will need psychotherapy. I’m doing it, and I feel like it’s not working.

I mentioned in my last post that I have been to surgeons that have pointed out. I have four bulging discs and fairly bad stenosis..

Massage therapists and chiropractors have also pointed out weird bumps in my lower back, And one of the surgeons said that that may be an issue for the pain as well.

Sorry to be blunt, I have a pretty bad rape trauma from childhood, And a lot of bullying and abuse growing up.

I was reading posts on another thread, saying that thinking about things that make you angry is not the way you’re supposed to process it. That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing, I really don’t know how to journal things about anger without making myself angry.

But I have definitely noticed the pain gets way worse when I’m stressed out, It always always always starts sinking in as soon as I sit down and it’s even worse when I’m bending forward.

A final thing to add is, I am in charge of a fairly large business with many employees. I have a lot of responsibility and I’m somewhat of a perfectionist. I Feel that this business is one of the main reasons for my stress, but I also don’t know how I can give it up because it makes so much money. I feel like if I gave this up to pursue something else, any other little stress is going to flare me up anyway. One of my employees is incredibly incompetent and makes the stupidest mistakes, Stresses me out daily. I have a lot of responsibility.

Any guidance would be great thank you guys.

 

[Baseball65]

saying that thinking about things that make you angry is not the way you’re supposed to process it. That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing

Well, just because crap is posted here doesn't mean it's 'authentic'...lots of feelgood (for profit) "Teachers' and "Therapists' have infiltrated the work of Sarno. 'Just talk about your feelings'....if that worked? I never would have had TMS.

Sarno said, when you catch yourself focusing on symptoms to TURN YOUR MIND to a recurrent source of irritation. That is really clear.
You're doing it THERAPEUTICALLY to send a message to your unconscious that YOU know what it is doing and YOU are in control, not it.

I also don’t know how I can give it up because it makes so much money.

You don't have to...I just worked a job for a woman I REALLY didn't care for, but I didn't come down with TMS because I sat and had a chat with 'L:ittle me' and said "Yeah, this lady sucks and I don't want to be here, but I need this Check so I am going to hold a little vitriol and knowledge in my heart while I paste a smile on" AWARENESS is the cure.
...I actually wanted to quit at one point and just walk away from the work...THAT might have provoked an attack because that means...(drumrolll)
...My Unconscious rage is still in charge!!!!

Your authentic awareness and creative guesses about why you need a symptom will free you to do whatever you wanna do...that may change over time, but if I can't do certain things because of my TMS propensity, then I am not really free...just a prisoner in a spacious penitentiary

this is about getting Free.

 

[Cactusflower]

@StrappingStanley
I'm sorry for your physical and emotional pain.
You will slowly learn how to cope with the stress, and the flare ups.
Jumping into something new and then thinking you might jump ship on that because it doesn't meet your "two day and I'm all healed" standards is pretty harsh.
It's really super harsh on you, and personally I think it's unattainable for most and not only unattainable but it's not sustainable.
This approach is about working towards sustainable homiostatus in your mind in body. That doesn't mean everything is going to be honky dory every moment of the day.
You are human. You get stress.
It means you learn, over time how to deal with the stress by responding to it vs. reacting to it. When you react, you trigger the whole nervous system into fight/flight. It's exactly the same thing as seeing a lion in the room and being in a panic over it.
Responding is seeing the lion and wondering with curiosity how far away it is from you, and how much danger it TRULY poses to you. Frankly if it's on the other side of the room looking in the opposite direction, a great response is to just slowly sneak out of the room and silently close the door.
Learning to do this for some people comes faster. They learn and generalize it quickly.
For others (and most people) you learn from each opportunity, each lion -and in turn you get better and better at sneaking silently out of that room in a calm and easy demeanor. And when you DO reaction your mind and body know it's TEMPORARY. You're heart rate will increase, your palms sweat, you feel the feel in your body, your brain wants you to run screaming out of the room and slam the door but you can take a breath, pause and see the TRUTH of the situation and recognize that you already know that responding is better for you, and for others. So you choose to take a deep breath, and silently leave the room.

As for anger. I'm not sure exactly what you read and where, but you need to take some of the things on this forum with a grain of salt and/or in context.
Dr. Sarno asks you to turn to the things that "irritate" you (anger, rage) so he, indeed asks you to FEEL the anger - the actual physical sensations of anger, do so is absolutely normal and natural and it's how the human body is meant to work. It's how the mind works.
But reactions like yelling and screaming at people (and I mean directly to their face) and exploding in rage. This is the anger which is not socially acceptable and doesn't serve you (most of the time).
Another type of anger that doesn't serve anyone is holding on to anger, resentments, and hostilities towards others. This seeps into every crack and cranny of your being and it tends to make people view others (and self) in negativity. Angry people are hard on themselves and others and they tend not to feel a broad range of emotions. Physically angry people tend to live in fight - the nervous system is on high alert because you judge everything as being a lion in the room. This type of anger isn't felt in the body noticeably - an angry person usually is fighting against actually feeling the anger within themselves - they are pushing it out and away and into the world for everyone else to deal with. They cling to the anger as a defense mechanism and find it very difficult to let it go because it means being vulnerable to themselves and taking responsibility for their actions - the things they are running from.

People learn these ways of coping over time, a lifetime ...and it takes time to unlearn them. Time and patience for yourself and a lot of kindness, recognize that you are learning something completely different. It flies in the face of people who purely focus on the physical. In this method healing the physical symptoms is an aside to healing the true source of you suffering. The suffering seems like it is only the physical symptoms - this is the exact TMS mechanism. But the true source of suffering is the emotional toll that all the defense mechanisms we develop over time have taken.
You will learn that you don't have to hold so tight to things like perfectionism, which your mind currently thinks is some kind of answer to some kind of self-defined success. That you can loosen the reigns (I think you may identify with many more of Sarno's TMS personality traits if you look at them again) and become curious about yourself, and what a pretty freaking awesome person you are. Look at how you define success not just in business but in life. What really matters to you? Congratulate yourself on running a successful operation at work, and begin to learn to notice your success in all aspects of your life.

Take time to unwind, to separate yourself from what may be an all-consuming thought pattern about work, success and performance. This is why it is often recommended to meditate, take a few minutes a day to just breathe, cultivate a practice of thankfulness, go for walks, participate in hobbies and sports, socialize with others...

Note that your healing journey is your own. Nobody else has any expectations of you on this journey. Yes, there is a responsibility to yourself to do the work and invest in yourself but you need to realize that do do do do do and force, and expect and expect NOW is not the answer. Those the the things that got you to this place, it's not the way out.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I think StrappingStanley that you can see by these two beautiful responses that this is a process and one that takes patience and perseverance. Symptoms bouncing around or up and down are common when you start, and when this is more mastered, still bring the veterans down! Tolerating symptoms without putting fuel on the fire with trying to fix them immediately is part of learning to not take it all so seriously. Part of understanding it is TMS, not something physical.

With Baseball65's response you hear the words of mastery, in my opinion. This is the fruit of years and years of understanding. This is where you're going. It is also the knowledge that you start with. The alpha and the omega. Conditions like stress, resentment with "unchangeable conditions" are there, can cause TMS, yet when we understand they can --and the specific psychodynamics the conditions are evoking, they lose (hopefully mostly) their power. Unless we're caught off guard, in which case we have to dig deeper. As you do more of this work, if changes need to be made in life, they'll become more clear. It is the process of self-honesty which will clarify your needs and wants, probably more than you've known in the past.

To me, Cactus Flower's response is so patient, and such a demonstration of the tender journey you're embarking on. I'm loving dropping into the Forum tonight to see the quality of support, and I hope it finds its way into your heart and mind.

In my experience expressive journaling ---letting all your feelings flow out through your hand for 10 minutes without self-censoring, is a great way to work with anger. You can feel it, know it is there, accept it, and also not act it out on others. And you can also feel and see directly how much energy there is to cause TMS. It makes the fact that there are tectonic forces below the surface which could cause symptoms because "they don't want to be felt" that much more believable, which is part of thinking psychologically. And remember it isn't jus the anger (or other feelings) you're looking for. It is also the parts of you which make these feelings unacceptable. Journaling this way will bring surprising insights.

 

[Cactusflower]

Amazing search find of the day that might resonate with you @StrappingStanley
This is from Steve Ozanich, who wrote a great book on his TMS healing, he used to be a regular here at TMSwiki:

"The whole idea of healing is to de-structure your life, stop trying to know everything, worry life into submission, trying to get it "perfect." So I tell them to throw their pencils and paper away, there's a new horizon on their horizon. If you want to heal, you have to change your perception of life to a greater awareness of strength and of what matters in life. We can hold more by letting go of what's in or hands.

So you have TMS, that means you have a hidden anger issue, and that your tension rises high while at work because you want to do good and to look good, as to avoid further rejection. That means that you really care, a bit too much, but that's what makes you great! Ease up on trying to know all, and to be all, and begin to live for today in great joy. The day is good, imprison yourself with hope.

You will heal. I promise.... or your money back."

 

[EmilyE]

I have been following this thread and am really soaking in the responses to @StrappingStanley, which are really full of goodness, kindness and compassion. In my experience when there is significant childhood trauma the help of a therapeutic relationship is very beneficial to healing - in my case it has been a necessity. Perfectionism, forcing, fixing, striving (TMS ingredients) are the character traits that were developed to survive traumatic incidents or traumatic living conditions and therefore the idea of 'letting these go' can actually feel, for trauma survivors, very activating. I lived in perfectionism, as a way of life, for the best part of 40 years with limited awareness so to come out of that has been a very slow journey. I get terribly impatient with myself ~ which doesn't help! Sometimes I feel like TMS requires us to go back to scratch and re-start over and over again. I have so much knowledge and am so good and helping other people but to apply the knowledge to myself I find really hard. I love what @Cactusflower said "In this method healing the physical symptoms is an aside to healing the true source of you suffering. The suffering seems like it is only the physical symptoms - this is the exact TMS mechanism. But the true source of suffering is the emotional toll that all the defense mechanisms we develop over time have taken". I am going to write this out because this is so key. I am completely and utterly obsessed at the moment with my most recent symptoms ~ it's all I can think about and fear is high. It feel like I'm back to basics again. I can fall in to despair so quickly ~ it's a deeply ingrained pattern. Healing is possible though. I keep telling myself this.

 

[Cactusflower]

I'm so glad I could help, Emily.
At times when I was really afraid of my symptoms I wrote a list. I love lists, so I wrote a lot of them
One column was my fears - all the things I was afraid my symptoms would do to me
The other column was all the things I wanted to do if I had no fear, no symptoms at all.

What I learned was that the "wanted" column items were real, tangible and attainable.
The things in the fear column were not provable, not real, not even happening. Claire Weekes helped me see that fear, worry, rumination is nothing more than the brain doing what the brain does: thinking thoughts. LOTS of thoughts and 90% of them are not true. I was then able to tell myself repeatedly (like 100 times a day) "that's not happening now, it's not true, I'm safe"... and it worked.

I'm beginning to do some of the things in the "wanted" column, and know that I will get to all of them, in time!

 

[EmilyE]

I'm so glad I could help, Emily.
At times when I was really afraid of my symptoms I wrote a list. I love lists, so I wrote a lot of them
One column was my fears - all the things I was afraid my symptoms would do to me
The other column was all the things I wanted to do if I had no fear, no symptoms at all.

What I learned was that the "wanted" column items were real, tangible and attainable.
The things in the fear column were not provable, not real, not even happening. Claire Weekes helped me see that fear, worry, rumination is nothing more than the brain doing what the brain does: thinking thoughts. LOTS of thoughts and 90% of them are not true. I was then able to tell myself repeatedly (like 100 times a day) "that's not happening now, it's not true, I'm safe"... and it worked.

I'm beginning to do some of the things in the "wanted" column, and know that I will get to all of them, in time!

I love this. Your energy is so kind. Thank you for sharing all of your wisdom.