Struggling. Feel alone and scared. Hips/Legs/Back, narcisstic ex, daughter, more

[sdiddy]

I dont know where to start. I know this isnt therapy but Im sitting here alone on my couch and im crying. Im crying because the love of my life, my baby girl, my daughter, isnt here with me right now. I see her 3 days a week since the divorce. She is literally the only thing in my entire life that makes me sort of forget about my chronic pain. She fills my humble apartment with laughter and whimsy and absolute adorableness. Shes my soulmate, my everything. Being a father to her gave me purpose in life, gave me a joy I never thought possible.

But it also comes as a price. Loving someone this much makes it 10x harder on the days Im not with her. I long to hold her, protect her, kiss her and listen to her, but I cant on those days. An occasional text message is all I have (and even that is so meaningful it makes me smile everytime). My ex is a narcisstic psychopath. She has cost me 500k in attorney fees in the last 8 years, nearly every dollar I had spent a lifetime to save. Ive been asking for more custody time since january and my ex has been difficult and demanding and nearly a year later we havent made progress. Which means id have to go to court and spend another 30k or so and leave my future and my daughters future in the hands of some fat fuck judge that doesnt care or even read the briefs. Ive been through this enough times.

Sorry I digress. My pain has been worse this week. not only do I have all the hip join/TFL pain that is constant for 4 years, the last few months have added this new pain in the back of my legs and back of my knees, particularly when standing or walking. Its so bad that even a 10 minute walk for me is painful and probably my limit right now. This makes me want to cry. I was a healthy strong guy much of my life and at 48 I cant FUCKING WALK. Im just so angry and scared. And honestly so tired of a life like this that no one else I know seems to have to deal with.

My doctor referred me to a rheomotologist, neurologist, and vascular surgeon and ordered a lumbar and hip MRI. My last hip mri 4 years ago was bad. osteoarthritis, bursitis, labrum tear etc. This one will certainly be worse. Im scared. There are clealry two issues going on (hips and hip pain and now the nerve in the back of the legs). The doc says claudication/stenosis/etc for the new pain.

I think Im most scared because I dont believe this is all TMS. I want to. But its impossible, the amount of different issues and the fact that the MRI from 4 years ago was already bad. How can I sit here and claim TMS when they are saying I dont have cartilege? How can I sit here and say TMS when they say my lumbar nerve is being compressed? I dont get it. I want to. But I cant. So Im scared. Im scared my only option is invasive surgeries. That the next decade of my life will be hip replacement surgeries, back surgery, and more. Im so scared.

I want to be around to live. Be with my daughter, be there for her, dance with her. Take her to Japan, walk around her college campus with her. Im scared. I need a little support Im sorry but Im struggling pretty bad. I have lived most of my life in pain. And its torture and Im just SO FUCKING SICK OF IT. I want to scream like please god can I just have a day without pain????

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I dont know where to start. I know this isnt therapy but Im sitting here alone on my couch and im crying. Im crying because the love of my life, my baby girl, my daughter, isnt here with me right now. I see her 3 days a week since the divorce. She is literally the only thing in my entire life that makes me sort of forget about my chronic pain. She fills my humble apartment with laughter and whimsy and absolute adorableness. Shes my soulmate, my everything. Being a father to her gave me purpose in life, gave me a joy I never thought possible.

But it also comes as a price. Loving someone this much makes it 10x harder on the days Im not with her. I long to hold her, protect her, kiss her and listen to her, but I cant on those days. An occasional text message is all I have (and even that is so meaningful it makes me smile everytime). My ex is a narcisstic psychopath. She has cost me 500k in attorney fees in the last 8 years, nearly every dollar I had spent a lifetime to save. Ive been asking for more custody time since january and my ex has been difficult and demanding and nearly a year later we havent made progress. Which means id have to go to court and spend another 30k or so and leave my future and my daughters future in the hands of some fat fuck judge that doesnt care or even read the briefs. Ive been through this enough times.

Hi! I think it's very likely that this emotional pain is coming out physically. A lot of people with TMS (myself included) get sucked into this idea that everything will be rainbows just as long as the pain goes or as long as one can have just one day off of it, but often that's not true and it's missing what's actually fuelling it (which would still be there, pain or no pain).

I know it's hard and I'm not undermining what your daughter means to you, but I think this all or nothing thinking is likely in a big way driving symptoms. It's if I can't see my daughter I can't be happy and what's the point, in much the same way as I'm in pain all the time so what's the point. Fully appreciating that it's TMS will help this, but I think you have to try your best to find at least glimmers of satisfaction and happiness elsewhere, because you're trying to find them in things (at least right now) you have very little control over (you have all the control when it comes to healing TMS in the long run, but short term it's not something that you can simply switch off).

I was a healthy strong guy much of my life and at 48 I cant FUCKING WALK. Im just so angry and scared. And honestly so tired of a life like this that no one else I know seems to have to deal with.

I couldn't walk at 21 so I know how you feel! Trust me, you're far from alone in the grander scheme of things.

My last hip mri 4 years ago was bad. osteoarthritis, bursitis, labrum tear etc. This one will certainly be worse. Im scared. There are clealry two issues going on (hips and hip pain and now the nerve in the back of the legs). The doc says claudication/stenosis/etc for the new pain.

It might not be as bad as you think. Plenty of people have those findings and have no pain - stenosis also is very often falsely blamed when it is in fact TMS. It might not be worse either, but even if it is, it might just be progressions of these issues which may not have ever been causing the pain in the first place.

How can I sit here and claim TMS when they are saying I dont have cartilege? How can I sit here and say TMS when they say my lumbar nerve is being compressed? I dont get it. I want to. But I cant.

Two reasons. Firstly, a not insignificant amount of people would have such a finding without pain. Secondly, you need to look at the other factors and indications of TMS from the FIT criteria - you're only looking at diagnosis and the medical picture, when that often isn't sufficient to rule it one way or the other.

 

[sdiddy]

i hear you and thanks for the response. and the truth is I do find joy in many things. I have great friends, a wonderful apartment in a beautiful little community, i get the luxury of writing for my living, and more. I have freedoms my parents never had. Im blessed. i see my mom every other day. ive had amazing life expperiences. but yes i have stress and anxiety too.

as an example, i took an anti-inflammatory that my doctor recommended for 5 days. i forget the name but it was 5 pills on day 1, 4 on day 2, etc. My pain for those 5 days went down by 50%. And when I tell you the improvement in my mood and happiness was SIGNIFICANTLY higher. I could finally focus on all the wondrful parts of my life without all the distracting pain. i could get up and sit down and found myself going "wow, that didnt hurt". i felt so amazing and happy. And of course on day 6 the pain came back. but i bring this up as a response to you because the pain IS LITERALLY the biggest issue in my life. I can handle the stress of my ex wife, the financial worries, not seeing my daughter, and more, when i dont have the pain on top of it. I can handle all those things. The pain makes everything worse.

 

[BloodMoon]

I can handle the stress of my ex wife, the financial worries, not seeing my daughter, and more, when i dont have the pain on top of it. I can handle all those things.

I understand what you're saying, and I don't doubt that you feel able to handle those things. But there's a difference between consciously coping with life's challenges and how your nervous system is responding to them.

In a mind-body/TMS context, medication can silence the 'alarm' (pain and/or inflammation as inflammation can also be mind-body), but that doesn't necessarily mean the underlying issue has been resolved. If our brain is prevented from using pain to get our attention, it would, if it could, probably blow a trumpet instead, just to let us know that our nervous system is struggling with the stress, fear and anger we're carrying.

The fact that you feel better without the pain doesn't necessarily mean your nervous system is actually coping well.

You can turn off the fire alarm with medication, but that doesn't mean the fire has stopped burning.

 

[Cactusflower]

What would your life look like if you solely decided to follow the medical model?
What would it look like if you only followed the TMS model?
What might it look like if you blended both approaches?

I think these questions are worthy of a few journal entries.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

And of course on day 6 the pain came back. but i bring this up as a response to you because the pain IS LITERALLY the biggest issue in my life. I can handle the stress of my ex wife, the financial worries, not seeing my daughter, and more, when i dont have the pain on top of it. I can handle all those things. The pain makes everything worse.

To follow on from what @BloodMoon said, this is a massive trap that I see all the time - it is this idea that once the pain goes away I'll be able to handle everything and everything will be fine. It can have the effect though of completely missing what caused the symptoms in the first place. What it also does is it makes the pain the main, horrible enemy, and you can't be more indifferent to an enemy.

I know it's difficult, but if you appreciate that the real problems are the issues underneath, then you're getting the message, which is what the symptoms are trying to communicate to us. The symptoms go from an enemy to a messenger, and that's a lot easier to relate to better. The symptoms happened are a reason (they always do), they didn't magically appear without the stress/emotion history.

I fully appreciate that pain heightens these issues and makes them worse, but maybe that's the entire point to get your attention. You said things about your daughter above that really have nothing to do with the pain, and I think it was actually a potentially healing reflection, because it shows how much anger, pain and frustration is under the surface. That's what's causing the pain, not the other way around.

I can handle the stress of my ex wife, the financial worries, not seeing my daughter, and more, when i dont have the pain on top of it. I can handle all those things.

That's the thing though your brain is telling you that handling it in the way you have been is not good enough. I know it's easy to do because I did it too (and it got me nowhere) but resist if you can getting sucked into this notion that everything would be okay if only the pain was gone, the pain is a message and prompt to evolve internally and increase self-compassion and authenticity, it's not a punishment intent on making issues worse. If I could click my fingers and your pain disappeared I would out of compassion, but that does nothing to address the root cause of it.

Just a thought, I would start with all the anger and potentially guilt around your ex. I'd be shocked if there weren't harsh feeling and thoughts towards yourself (even buried) in addition to towards her.